Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Resolutions my arse

Hows it goin?

Im not a big fan of news years resolutions, I don’t think I've ever actually made any. I was a vegetarian throughout all of January 2007, this was not so much a new years resolution but more of a bet. My then colleague and future flat mate Richard bet me I couldn’t do it. It was understandable as I had meat with every meal, some meals that’s all I had.

But I did it. I was a vegetarian for all of January 2007 and I earned a pound a day for my efforts. The bet was actually with two people, Richard and Luke The Magic Man, Richard eventually did the honourable thing and paid me my money, Luke The Magic Man never did. He doesn’t believe I did it. The sad thing is I really did. This was particularly difficult when we went for our staff night out, while the rest of the staff were enjoying a selection of fantastic chinese dishes filled with, chicken and beef and pork and prawns, I was enjoying a bowl of tofu and mixed vegetables. By enjoying I mean drowning in beer.

Anyway, New years resolutions are all bullshit, it's an excuse for people to try and convince themselves they are going to change there lives. If you really want to join a gym and lose weight then why wait till January 1st, do it now fatty!

As we enter the last few days of 2009 I started to think about my year. What was 2009 for me? The year started off in Edinburgh and finished in Aberdeen.

It was the year I worked in Tapas Towers,

It was the year I went back to school.

It was the year I saw Danny Wallace in the street in Edinburgh.

It was the year I got engaged, twice.

It was the year I got so angry at work I quit my job in front of a customer

It was the year I lost a dear friend.

It was the year I grew a beard

It was the year Adam burned the hair off his balls with magic cream

It was the year I got drunk at my friends wedding

It was the year I got drunk at my friends wedding in Blackpool

It was the year my friend had a baby and named her after me.

I don't care what anyone says, she's called Baby G!!!!

Ever since 20o1 I’ve come up with a slogan, something that will define the upcoming year for me. Something that states the kind of year I hope to have:

2001 lets have some fun

2002 What will I do?

2003 its all about me!

2004 it won’t be a bore

2005 it wont be a dive ( it was)

2006 ill get out of the sticks

2007 its gonna be heaven

2008 its gonna be great

2009 its gonna be mine!

2010 ????

I dunno, what will 2010 be for me.

2010 I’ll meet a girl called Jen?

2010 Ill talk to my friend Ben?

2010 I dinnae ken?

2010 I'll go for dinner at zen?

2010 we’ll meet again?

Not sure yet.

As I said I don’t really believe in News Years resolutions, with that in mind, I have set myself a number of New Year Challenges.

Since this is the tenth year of this new millennium, I have compiled a list of 10 Challenges I must complete before the end of 2010.

1 I will find Dave Bailey and buy him a pint!

As regular readers will know, Dave Bailey is a fucken legend! After he disappeared no one has heard anything from him. He must be out there somewhere. I will find him and buy him a pint!

2 I will complete my 50 Envelope Challenge

I will finish this, I’ve written about 10 letters so far. I have received very few replies. I will get all 50 done by the end of the year.

3 I will write and direct my own film

This is actually a requirement for school, so its not so much of a challenge but a demand of the college, but it still seems worth mentioning.

4 I will not fail school

I say this because I am a pessimistic bastard. I dropped out of school the first time around and then quit uni the following year. This is mainly because I was a drunken moron, now I admit that not much has changed. I am still a drunken moron, the difference now is………..

Well alright there is no difference now.

5 I will take a road trip down south

I’ve been saying Ill do this for years but never got round to it. I did a cross country trip around 3 years ago and it was ace. I saw all my old shipmates. This time around I'm gonna go down to London and work my way back home, I'm gonna try and see all the people I haven’t seen in years, Like the guys I lived with when I lived in Middlesbrough. Most of them have kids now, that’s fucken mental! And of course I'll catch up with all the old QE2 crew.

6 I will take part in super secret

amazingly awesome project number 1

I can’t tell you anything about this, it’s a secret, and its awesome.

7 I will take part in super secret

amazingly awesome project number 2

Same as above

8 I will start watching 24

Everyone tells me its ace. I just never got around to watching it

9 I will finally watch lord of the rings

same as above

10 I will go to Edinburgh Zoo

I lived in Edinburgh for nearly a year, and I never got round to visiting the zoo, I went there once when I was very young, I think it's about time I went back, Adam & I always wanted a pet monkey, I am sure they can't be that expensive from Edinburgh zoo.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe then I might just pay you a visit on my road trip

Monday, 28 December 2009

Dear Relentless (A.K.A. Envelope 8 of 50)

Hows it goin?
I am hungover again so here's another letter in the 50 envelope challenge as I can't be arsed writing anything interesting or creative.

Dear Relentless
Good Day, How are you today? I hope all is well. I am writing to you with a wonderful offer. I recently bought and enjoyed a can of your beverage. I was impressed both at the price and size of the can. This is definitely better than your major competitor “Red Bull.”
Now I will be honest with you here, I am a big fan of Red Bull, I’ve been drinking it for years and it has got me through some tough times, most notably Christmas 2007 where I was on 3 a day, every day throughout the month of December.
However, I am seriously considering switching my allegiance to yourselves. I recently wrote a very, very nice letter to Red Bull asking some questions regarding the beverage and generally saying how much I loved them, I even wrote them a poem! (you can read the letter on my blog if you like
I am sad to say they never replied to me. I have taken this very personally. It is nothing short of a slap in the face. I loved that drink and have frequently given them massive amounts of FREE PUBLICITY on my previously mentioned blog. Well now I am offering that to you!
Would you be interested in my custom?
I am curious if you will treat me the same as the overly confident Red Bull, or will you treat your customers with the love and respect they deserve?
I should let you know that I am a big believer in second chances and with that in mind, I have been slightly adulterous and I have pitted Red Bull against you. I sent them another letter asking why they never got back to me in order to give them one more chance to win me back, I also threatened to move my allegiance to yourselves. That letter was posted on the same day as this one and I have decided that whoever gets back to me first (or at all) will be the victor. It is they who shall receive my custom, it is they who shall be bigged up on my blog on a frequent basis.
It is they that shall get me though every morning when I awake confused and hungover.
Are you up to the challenge?
In my original letter to Red bull I asked them several questions, I feel it is only fair to ask the same of you.
Is your drink unhealthy? My friend Althea says it is and I am a tad concerned.
Surely something so Awesome can’t be bad for you?
Can it?
I am sure you have seen or at least heard of the Red Bull Mobile

Tell me, do you have something similar? A Relentless mobile, or maybe something cooler, Like a relentless motorbike, or relentless helicopter? If so, any chance I could borrow it?
I would be happy to give you as much free publicity as possible on my blog and when ever I am out and about in town. If you wish to send me anything to help in that publicity (i:e some free cans of Relentless, Relentless T-shirts, keyrings, a car, etc, etc.) I would be happy to accept them.
I look forward to hearing from you
Kind Regards
Andy G
(possible future customer)

I am still awaiting a reply.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you subscribe then your life will be spared when I rule the world!

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Dear Red Bull (A.K.A. Envelope 7 of 50)

Hows it goin?
Hope you had a good christmas, well to be honest I don't really care. Just don't bother me with it.
Due to an extreme cycle of being drunk then being hungover, then being drunk again over the past few days. I can't be arsed to write anything particularly interesting.
Here's another one of my stupid letters in my 50 envelope challenge. Its another letter to Red Bull.
I am beginning to think I have too much time on my hands.

To whom it may concern

Good day. It is with some regret that I must write to you today. I recently wrote you a very lovely letter regarding my infatuation with your delicious beverage. I am quite distressed to report that I have not yet received a reply.

I would like to believe that my letter simply got lost in the post, this surely can be the only logical explanation. Given the amount of love and devotion that went into my letter I am sure you wouldn’t have just ignored it, I even wrote you a poem! I have included a copy of the original letter, dated September 16th 2009, in this envelope and I look forward to receiving your belated response.

I should make you aware that two days ago I purchased a can of Relentless, undoubtedly this is your largest rival in the energy drink market. I currently am storing this can in my fridge in between a bottle of mint chocolate flavoured baileys and a lump of port salut cheese.

This can is being held hostage, If I do not receive a reply from you within a respectable time then it is with great regret that I will start using them for all my energy beverage based needs. I sincerely hope it does not come to this but you have left me little choice. I am quite distraught that you would treat me, one of your biggest fans, in such a manner. I have given you a very large publicity boost in recent months by talking about your beverage in my blog (, and pretty soon there is a chance all that FREE PUBLICITY will be going to your competitor.

Are you really going to let that happen?

Both of our fates lie in your hands!

So oh wonderful reader of this wonderful letter.

What will become of us?

Please also be aware I wrote a letter to Relentless to see what they would offer me should I switch my allegiance. It was posted on the same day as this letter and it will be interesting to see who replies first.

Kind Regards

Andy G

(Long term Customer/possible future EX customer)

I have yet to receive a reply from Red Bull, I suspect they will be on the christmas holidays so I will give them another couple of weeks to get back to me. Gotta run now, this bottle of red wine isn't going to drink itself.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe to my blog I will share some of my red wine with you*

* I won't

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Dear Aberdeen Tourist office (A.K.A. Envelope 6 of 50)


Hows it goin?

Please see below the latest installment of my 50 Envelope Challenge.

Dear Aberdeen Tourist office,

Good day. How are you today? I am writing to today with a suggestion. I’m sure you are all very qualified people working in the Aberdeen tourist office. But every now and then surely it must be handy to get an outside perspective.

I would first off like to say well done on Aberdeen, its pretty decent isn’t it? I have lived in Aberdeen most of my life. I have left the city numerous times with no intention of returning, but I always do. What hold does this city have on me? Are you secretly hypnotists? Are there subliminal messages hidden in northsound one and those STV idents?

I tried to break free from this city, I really did, I have left for months at a time, most recently was my longest stint away. From May of 2008 to August of 2009 I left Aberdeen, I spent 6 months living in New York and then almost a year living in Edinburgh, it was in the middle of last year I felt an instinctual urge to return home. This may have been due to the fact I was applying for college and university courses and Aberdeen was the only place that would take me. Tell me, did you arrange this? Did you get in touch with the various institutions I applied to and bribe them not to accept me just to get me back into this fair city? It seems like the only logical explanation to me.

I have noticed several changes to Aberdeen in the time I have been away, Most notably, have the women gotten hotter? Honestly, I walked down union street the other day and there was a hot girl approximately every 4 seconds. That’s an impressive figure, as was most of the hot girls! Now I’m not saying there are no hot girls in Edinburgh or New York, but I don’t remember Aberdeen having so many. Now I admit my judgement may be slightly impaired because I’ve been single for a while, or it may be after a trip to Blackpool where there were NO hot girls in sight in the city centre. Seriously, they were all chavs and grannys, and in some cases both! I would point out that this was only during the day, in the evening the hot girls did appear, much like vampires. By that I mean they only come out at night, they don't suck blood or anything, not as far as I know anyway. Sadly when I was visiting no one was sucking anything of mine. (If you want to read more about my trip to Blackpool then feel free to read my blog,

I was told recently that 2009 was the year of the homecoming in Scotland. I am flattered that you would stage such an event just to mark my return, both to Scotland and then to Aberdeen. I have yet to receive any invites to any kind of celebrations but I am sure you just lost my address. Its understandable, your busy people.

Anyway, to the main point of this letter. I am writing to suggest a new slogan for our fair city. At the moment if you say Aberdeen, most people would say “The Granite City.” I don’t know about you but this to me conjures up images of a grey, dull city, lacking in any kind of atmosphere or ambience Obviously there is a lot of granite in the city and I’m not suggesting we turn our backs on that. All I’m thinking is lets maybe go in another direction.

How about


The Place To Be Seen

I know, its good eh?

I have taken the liberty of already putting it into practice. During my time in the states and in Edinburgh, anytime someone asked me where I was from, I always said “Aberdeen, The Place To Be Seen.” This always got a good response and if you mention Aberdeen to anyone who works in the Tapas Towers in Edinburgh they will automatically say "The Place To Be Seen." Let me ask you, do you have any statistics regarding tourists in Aberdeen from May 2008 to today? I would be willing to bet they have increased.

Now I’m not saying I’m entirely to thank for that, but I’m fairly certain a large chunk of that is down to me.

I would be happy to help out in any advertising related to the project and my fee would be more than fair.

Anyway, I will leave you on that note.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the matters I raised.

Kind Regards

Andy G

This letter was written several months ago but only posted about 10 days ago, I have yet to receive a response. I'm sure they are just busy with it being christmas.
I typed Aberdeen into you tube to see if could find anything interesting, here are my top 3.

This is my favourite

If you can't see the videos I posted above then stop reading this crap on facebook and click here.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will send you a letter with one of my remaining envelopes.*

*I probably won't

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Christmas is over!

Hows it goin?

Well christmas is over, at least for me. Saturday was my last christmas shift at Vincents. Thanks fuck for that. I also finished school for the holidays last thursday so I officially have nothing to do until January 5th 2010.
I suppose I could do some college work but that would take up valuable drinking time.
So thats me, I don't really celebrate christmas, it is a load of crap when you think about it. Its just another day in the year to me. The best thing about christmas is some decent films on tv and the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Usually I spend Christmas at Adams hotel, this led to the story about me being The Drunkest I have Ever Been. Since Adam is away on the ship this year I have made big plans for christmas day, drink lots and watch Doctor Who!
Its the Tenth doctors grand finale and it looks AWESOME!!!
Yes I am a massive geek, got a problem with that?

I am very glad that I'm not working for the next couple of weeks. I do need the money but I just can't be arsed.
Workin in a restaurant at christmas is a bit stressful and a bit shit, even tho I'm not in charge I still got very grumpy at times throughout this season. This is my fourth christmas at Vincents, it wasn't the worst but I still fucking hated it. This is the one where I cracked. I resigned in front of a customer. I really, really hope that I'm not working there next christmas but i probably will be. In theory I will still be a student, assuming I haven't been kicked out or drunk myself to death by then.
There were a few decent moments this december tho. Gemma (the other owner of the restaurant) has decided that we will no longer be allowing teachers to come to the party nights next year.
Teachers are the worst customers. I am sorry but its true, your worse than people who don't speak english.
Teachers never spend alot of money, they usually leave early spoiling the party atmosphere, they almost always complain and they always want individual bills.
Teachers usually come in large parties at least 15 or more and they want to pay for there drinks as they go, they want to pay for there own dinner, and they usually don't tell us this till the end.
Occasionally they try to pay in advance, we usually try to discourage this because something will always go wrong. someone will change there mind and demand money back.
It's fucken retarded.
Your all fucking grown ups!!!
Start acting like it!
I think its because teachers spend so much time with kids, it stats to rub off on them. Why can't you just look at a bill and divide it up between you like fucking adults. If someone had more drinks than everyone else then they pay extra. Its not fucking rocket science.
And by the way, a standard tip in the UK is 10% of your bill, don't be so fucking cheap!!!
Oh and one more thing, this is not just for teachers this goes for everyone, if your ever paying in advance for a christmas do take a look at the receipt. When it says NON refundable thats what it fucking means you FUCKING TWAT!!!!
It doesn't mean you can give me a sob story about how someone got caught in the snow and couldn't make it, cos I'll be honest I don't give a shit!
Sorry about that, I just had to get it out of my system.
So, as I was saying,
No more teachers at weekends = Good times!
One of the drawbacks of having a very busy restaurant at christmas is the staff, with a place as big as Vincents its very difficult to keep it suitable staffed during the day. Most of the staff are part time and can't do the extra shifts around christmas. This means desperate measures need to be taken.
Agency Staff.
I fucken hate agency staff, 99 times out of 100 they are fucking retarded. I can't remember ever meeting a good member of staff from an agency. They are usually late, lazy, stupid and fucking annoying.
Another highlight from this december happened the night I quit. After I stormed off downstairs I decided to be a nice guy and helped clean up the kitchen a bit with Althea, around half 10 this guy came in and dumped his stuff in there ready for work, he was an agency guy but he was supposed to be there at 10. Althea asked him why he was late and he gave a bunch of different excuses. He was quite rude. It was at this point Gemma (the other owner) came in, she overheard what was going on and told him to leave. If he can't be here on time then he's no good to us. He then protested saying he came in early the day before and some other bullshit. He was told to leave and he grabbed his jacket and wandered off. After 5 Minutes Althea and I decided we were done cleaning and it was now Beer o'clock. We bumped into the agency guy in the hall. He was demanding to see the manager, he obviously didn't realise Althea is a manager. He was demanding to speak to Ivano cos he dealt with him before. Ivano had vanished at his point so Althea went a bit nuts and kept asking him to leave. It was at this point the Agency guy started claiming we were being Racist (he was nigerian). Now I'm not sure how this could be perceived as racism. Althea was asking him to leave and she is (in her own words) a brown person.
Eventually Ivano appeared and told this guy to leave cos he was lazy bugger. But it was definitely one of the highlights of the night when this guy called Althea a racist. When she is anything but. I can't remember exactly but I think she is half Ethiopian, half scottish, half irish and half glasweigan. (and yes I am aware thats 4 halves, she has a big personality.)
By the way if anyone doesn't know what Vincents is then Click Here.
Another good highlight of December was my Class Night out. We all had dinner at vincents cos I got it on the cheap and then went to Exodus. Was a pretty decent night. I left before 1 am cos I was working the next day but I should have stayed, apparently everyone got it on with everyone else. From what I am told it was like an orgy in Exodus. I wouldn't have taken part as I am one of the "older and more mature" members of the class but it sounded entertaining.

As I am sure you may have noticed the snow is falling all over the country, and everyone seems happy about that. Why?
Snow is shit!
its fucking freezing, it makes it hard to drive, the pavements are incredibly icy so people are falling everywhere.
Plus my flat is fucking BOLTIC! my heating bill is gonna be massive!

Not much else to say at the moment, as I said I am off until Jan 5th, so if your in the Aberdeen area do you fancy a pint? In the meantime I'm gonna try and do some work on my film, maybe catch up on some of the class's I missed. I was quite sick last week and missed 3 days of school. I'm still not feeling 100% & also seem to have trouble sleeping lately. Takes me ages to get to sleep and then I wake up early and can't nod off again. I have tried self medicating with alcohol but with not much success, I think its time to up my dosage!

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then all your christmas wishes will come true.

Monday, 21 December 2009

The 50 Envelope Challenge

Hows it goin?

Someone asked me the other day about my blog and more specifically about the stupid letters I write. Well I thought I'd give a bit of an explanation. I have explained it before, but lately the amount of people reading this has more than doubled, so this is just so new readers can keep up.
It all started about 6 months ago. I was living in Edinburgh at the time and I was traveling to Aberdeen to attend Marks Stag Do. I was forced to take the bus and the journey was horrific. During the incredibly delayed trip I got my laptop out and wrote a letter to the bus company.
When I got home I was still raging from my incredibly crappy bus trip. I sent the letter to the bus company Headquarters and had a battle of wits with the Operations Manager Bob. I only posted one letter to Bob and the rest of our interchange was via email. To send that first letter I had to buy an envelope, but I couldn't find only one envelope, I had to buy a pack of 50.
It would just be stupid to let all those envelopes go to waste. So I set myself the challenge of writing 50 letters to people who I thought deserved it. These letters are not just me having a moan. They also get sent to people who deserve high praise. Such as Red Bull or The Manzil Restaurant. I have recently written another letter to Red Bull demanding an explanation for a lack of a response. I am hoping to get a reply from them before I put it online. I also recently posted some letters to various companies including Kelloggs, Relentless and Aberdeen Tourist Information. I will put these online over the next few weeks hopefully with a reply from each.
So there ya have it. I have written about 10 letters in total and 40 to go.
The first letter I posted online was to the Northumbria water board, it can be read here.
That got a pretty good response and sets the tone for the kind of crap I write to people.
Anyway, thats all I had to say.
Just a brief explanation as to why I write these crappy letters.

Thats all for now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to subscribe to all the crap that I write and get it delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe then you will get a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Saturday, 19 December 2009

I think I might be banned from my local tesco

Hows it goin?
I had to go food shopping the other day. I was planning on making spag bol. Its one of the very few things I can cook.
That and toast.
I have a tendency to over spend whenever food shopping. I just chuck stuff in the basket. I only went in for some tomato’s and an onion but when I went to the check out I had a full basket. It was over flowing.

It was on this particualar day that I made a remarkable discovery, in many ways my local tesco is like a strip club, they put the bad (ugly) staff on during the day and at nights take out the hotties.
I shop there several times a week but rarely during the day. Its usually after 6pm, and there are a couple of good looking women behind the tills. But the daytime staff are scary.
And a bit stupid!
I went up to the cash desk and plonked my overflowing basket on the counter. The older woman behind the till asked, would you like a bag?
Of course I want a fucking bag!
How am I gonna carry all this crap home? In my pockets?
Perhaps you are offering me the basket as a souveneir of my trip?
Now I know these days that a lot of people have those crappy little bags for life and take them to the shops with them, but I was wearing jeans and a jumper, where could I have been storing that bag on my person?
Up my arse?
If so it really would not be hygienic to put my shopping in there.
Sadly I did not say this to her at the time. Which in retrospect I probably should have, it may have been less akward than our next interchange.
As I said I was buying ingredients for spag bol,
My recipe is quite simple,
Chop an onion,
Chop some mushrooms,
Shop some garlic,
Get some mince,
Chuck it all in a pan and fry it.
Add some red wine,
pour yourself a glass at the same time,
add some chopped tomatoes,
add some more wine,
and pour yourself another glass, cooking is thirsty work.
Let it simmer for a couple of minutes,
add some more wine, then pour yourself another glass.
Oh and don’t forget to cook the pasta!
Anyway, having learned from previous mistakes I bought two bottles of wine for my cooking extravaganza, one for the pasta and one to drink.
When the lady behind the cash desk was scanning my stuff and putting it into a carrier bag, she came to the two bottles of wine.
She quite sensibly said,
“I’ll double bag it, just to be safe.”
and then, without thinking, without realising where I was, completely oblivious about the normal bounderies of normal social conduct, I replied,
“The very words I live by.”
I'm not sure if she got the joke, she just kind of smirked.
She then put the wine in the first carrier bag, and said,
“Can you give me a hand? If you spread it apart I’ll put it in.”
And once again, without thinking about where I was or who I was talking to, I said,
“That’s usually my line”
I didn’t think, it just came spewing out of my mouth, like verbal diaherria. I smirked and pretended I didn’t say it.
The lady smiled not realising what I said.
But then her facial expression changed. Her polite, innocent unknowing smile turned into a look of shock and disgust, I saw it happen. I could almost hear the cogs turning in her head. She realised what I said, she then put it together with what I said earlier.
I half expected her to set off a rape alarm or something.
She finished packing my shopping with the frowniest of frowns upon her face.
It was at this point I was glad I had decided not to buy that Cadburys Fudge I saw in the confectionary isle.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to resist making a fudge packer joke.
She then asked
“Do you have a club card?”
Thats a perfectly reasonable question when your in a tesco, but it was the way she said it, it was filled with hatred and disgust. I had deeply offended this old woman.
I think what she was really saying was,
"I hope I never see you again you sexually perverted bastard!"
I think I'll switch to the co op for a while.
Thats all for now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to subscribe to all the crap I write and get it delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do choose to subscribe I will one day cook for you my famous Spag Bol!


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