Monday, 30 August 2010

No More Tapas (again)

Hows it goin? 
My time at Tapas Towers has ended, for a second time. I spent all of August back at my old employers in Edinburgh. I am now knackered. It was the most I have ever worked, ever. It was the busiest the restaurant has ever been since it opened.

For those of you who work in the restaurant industry, imagine the busiest shift you've ever worked. Now double it. Now add 12. It was even busier than that!

This temporary job could not have come at a better time. As regular readers will know I have been broke for the better part of the past year. This was four weeks full time work plus tips. I haven't come out that much ahead as most of this cash went towards paying my rent and various bills. But It's more than I would have made if I stayed in Aberdeen for the summer. I must say a big thanks to my pal Ailsa who found me somewhere to stay while I was down.

This picture was taken about 4 minutes after she finished her shift. Yes that glass of wine on the table was hers. A customer invited her to sit down for a drink and she said it would be rude not to. Strange thing was it was her anniversary. So while her man waited at home with a nice meal ready for her. She sat down with some folk in the restaurant and had a couple of glass's of vino.
Tsk Tsk.

Some of the highlights of my last week in Tapas Towers included a guy with a University of Aberdeen Credit Card, who's name was Robert Gordon.
I found this quite amusing.(Robert Gordons is the name of the other university in Aberdeen)

When serving tapas if two people order the same dish most of the time the kitchen will put them into a larger dish in order to save space on the table.  This conversation took place a few days ago.

Me: Hi folks I 've got both portions of  Patatas Bravas in the one dish here, so that's a double portion, alright?

Blonde Lady: Yes that's us.

Brunette Lady: Double portion?

Me: Yes we put both portions in the one dish in order to save space on the table.

Brunette Lady: Can you send them back to the kitchen and spilt them into two dishes please?

Blonde Lady: Don't be so stupid, we'll just share.

I think Blonde Lady may be one of my favourite ever customers. She said exactly what I wanted to.  

I also had a debate with a woman about whether or not we served Piri Piri Prawns. She claimed to have had them last time she was in. I suggested that it was probably the Gambas Pil Pil. (Hot roast peeled prawns with olive oil, fresh chillies & garlic.) She insisted that she ordered the Piri Piri Prawns. I pointed out that Piri Piri was Portuguese and we were a spanish restaurant. She said that's the same thing. I ordered her the Gambas Pil Pil and never spoke to her again.

On Saturday night we had a table of 12 women. It was a birthday party for a woman claiming to be forty but was clearly at least fifty. They brought a birthday cake along and asked for it to be served after the main course. When it came time to serve the cake one of the birthday girls friends came over and asked if she could take it over saying, "I told them I made it." I of course assumed she was joking. It was a generic chocolate birthday cake from Marks and Spencers. No one would believe she made it, unless they were a fucking mong.
She took the cake over and the birthday girl blew out the candles and then they asked for one of us to cut up the cake and serve it to them. This was not exactly the most convenient time as we were currently incredibly busy and more tables were on the way, but they were insisting. So one of the waiters stopped everything and cut up the cake and served it to them.
Some was left over and the birthday girls friend came up to me and asked if I could keep it in the restaurant until tomorrow. I said that would be no problem and that I would put it back in the box and leave it at the front door for her to pick up tomorrow.
"Don't put it in the box." She shouted 
"I told them I made it myself, just put it in some cling film."
I gave a little chuckle still under the impression that she was joking. She was not.
She really wanted me to wrap it in cling film so it would look lie she made it herself. Her friends must be really stupid.
While this table was paying the bill and getting ready to leave I had to take out another birthday cake. This was to a table right beside them, and this birthday cake was pretty nice. It was in the shape of a hat with guitars all over it. It looked amazing. The "forty" year olds table had the bitchiest look I have ever seen. They had clearly been outdone.
The "forty" year olds table left a truly crappy tip. The bill was over £200 and they left about £2. Thats a fucking disgrace. I left her cake at the front door for her to pick up the next day, I made sure that I left it IN the box so everyone could see that she clearly went and spent £5 in marks and spencers, and that she had NOT made it with her own two hands and she was a dirty filthy liar! 
The girl with the good birthday cake also asked me if she could leave what was left of her cake in the restaurant. I took the cake downstairs but was worried that perhaps that someone might come down and pick up the wrong cake. I came up with an ingenious labelling system.

On Sunday I got asked the stupidest question I have ever been asked. Not just in a restaurant but in life. 
I had a table of seven, they were easy enough to serve, and they had alright banter. Eventually it came time for dessert, a couple of cheesecakes a chocolate mousse, a creme brulee and a vanilla ice cream. I put them on the table and never thought any more about it. Then a couple of minutes later one of them complained. This was a genuine complaint I received from a real customer.
"Excuse me, my ice cream is too cold."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"My ice cream it's too cold, can it be warmed up."

I swear on my life this is the exact conversation I had with this guy. And he was clearly serious. This wasn't a joke.
What a fucking moron!
It's called ICE cream, not cream.
What a fucking idiot.
"Sorry sir, I can't do much about that."
He then looked quite disappointed and went into a little sulk.
A sulk?
What the fuck?
Next time just order a jug of cream!
Some of the people on his table found this quite amusing but he clearly did not. 
What was I supposed to do?
He wanted warm ice cream.
He's clearly a "special needs" individual.
In his defence he was only 7. But he's still an idiot!

The rest of Sunday went quite quickly, one of the waiters found something which took his fancy. I think it suits him.

And then Patricia and I decided to do a little something to entertain our guests.

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
I had a great month back at Tapas Towers and I am sure I'll end up back their when I eventually get chucked out of school for having very little talent. 

Last time I left Tapas Towers I wrote a poem. This time I'm not gonna do that. No offence. I just can't be arsed. I'm knackered. I'll get round to doing something eventually. Promise.
Thats All For Now 

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then you will (if all goes according to plan) receive the super secret email about my super secret project within the next few days.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Back To School: Year 2 Induction Day

Hows it goin? 

Today was my induction day for second year. It was an incredibly dull 90 minutes. It was great to see my classmates again but the filling out of various forms to confirm my address, date of birth, and ethnicity send me to the land of nod.

Our course leader informed us of our various class's for the rest of the year and the various project we will have to undertake.
He also told us all of all the opportunities that are available for the second year students.

I can't help but feel that he might be exaggerating slightly. This time last year he was telling us all how we would get to go to hollywood. As far as I know that never happened. Certainly not for me. I get to go on a work placement this year, which should be fun, and the college is also taking part in something called Placement plus. This is a program designed for students in "media academies" and will involve a three week work placement on a working film set. Approximately 12 places are available across Scotland for this and I am gonna do everything I can to make sure I get one of them. I'm also on the lookout for any other kind of work experience I can get. So if anyone reading this know's of any opportunities then please let me know. 

After my induction I went shopping for some new pens and pencils to make sure I am fully prepared for school on Monday. I am now on the lookout for a pencil case. Anyone know where I can find a cool pencil case? A reward will be offered.

I am quite excited about returning to school. Even though I have nothing prepared I am surprisingly upbeat about my second year. The apathy I once felt towards school has now disappeared. I am really excited to start making new films. Hopefully my next project will be more entertaining than my first. 

I have several ideas for short films which I am hoping to make this year. It will all be over before I know it and that scares the shit out of me. I am unsure as to where I will be when June arrives. I don't think I can go to uni because of funding issues. Plus I'm not very bright. I really don't want to go back to restaurant work full time. Admittedly my hatred of the public has diminished somewhat in recent weeks. I no longer hate all the public, I find the stupidity of the public quite amusing. But I don't think I could face going back to it full time. 
I do quite often joke about getting a job in RS Mccoll. I am starting to fear that this may be a reality. 

Time will tell.

At least I will get to read the magazine for free.
Last week I went to see the Axis Of Awesome in Edinburgh
They are (as the name implies) Awesome! 
If you can't see the video below then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe, then you will receive a super secret email within a couple of weeks with a fantastic once in a lifetime special offer.
Intrigued? You should be!

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

A stupid conversation and feeding time.


Hows it goin?

I haven't got round to writing up the events of Sunday Funday yet, I'll get to it in a day or too. I'm knackered and don't have the energy. But to keep you amused in the mean time here is the best conversation I had on Monday.

Customer: Do you have a pre theatre menu?

Me: Yes sir, but unfortunately you're too late for that tonight, it's available 5-6:30 Monday to Friday.

Customer: So how do we go about ordering from the pre theatre menu then?

Me: Be here between 5-6:30.

Customer: What time is it now?

Me: 7:45 sir.

Customer: So we can't get the pre theatre menu?

Me: Not tonight sir.

Customer: Why not?

Me: Because it's not between 5-6:30.

Customer: Touche.

Even though this customer was a complete moron, he gained my respect for not taking the situation any further than this stupid conversation. And he used the word "touche."

Here's a short video of what happens in Tapas Towers every day when the cakes get taken up from the deli.

If you can't see the video below then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

On that note I shall leave you. I go back to school tomorrow and i'm fairly certain I am meant to have done some stuff over the summer. I am now slightly concerned.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will buy you a muffin.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Highlights of the weekend: Sensational Saturday

Hows it goin? 
Saturday is typically the busiest day of the week in any restaurant. But this was the busiest Saturday Tapas Towers had ever done!
At 4:30pm the bookings looked like this
By 5pm over 500 people were coming in for dinner.
It was mental.

The whole day was busy, it was exhausting. But in the late afternoon I still found time to accidentally chat up some hot girls.
Anyone who has had the pleasure of working with me over the years will tell you that more often that not, I have a fork in my shirt pocket. Sometimes a spoon, but usually a fork. The reason for this is unimportant. I took the order from table 107, three quite attractive girls. The hottest of them clearly fancied me.
"Why do you have a fork in your pocket?" She asked clearly looking for an excuse to talk to me.
"You'll never know when you need a good fork ladies, and when you do, I'm your man."
Get it? Fork sounds like fuck.
I realise that you probably did get it, but as regular readers are aware, some of the people who read this blog are really fucking stupid.
I was quite impressed at the speed in which I came up with the fork line. I've never said it before. I just kind of blurted it out. They never left me a number.

Later that evening I had to serve table 402, two people were sitting and waiting for a third, they were deaf. This wasn't a problem as they could lip read, as long as I spoke clearly and slowly. I explained the menu and they said they wanted to wait for the third person to join them before ordering drinks. 10 minutes later the third person arrived. She was the most beautiful deaf girl I have ever seen. This was perfect, a deaf girl would be the ideal woman for me. She wouldn't have to listen to all the crap I speak all day long. I could tell her I have a perfect singing voice. She would never have to listen to this.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
If I said something stupid it wouldn't matter, cos she wouldn't hear it. Winner! I approached the table, ready to introduce myself and whisk this deaf girl off her feet. She would be mine! 

Then disaster struck. 

I was gutted. 

She wasn't deaf!

Worse than that, she was a cockney!

Bugger that!

I took the order then never returned to the table.

Later on that night I once again fell madly in love with a woman, purely based on the fact she was wearing a low cut top and had magnificent boobs. I had decent banter with the her and her pals. As they were paying the bill I asked what they were up to for the rest of the night.

"So ladies are you off to see a show tonight?"
"Why not?" The hottest replied

"Yeah exactly why not? It's the festival, we should all be going out and enjoying it while we can!"
"No, we're going to the club, Why Not."

Apparently Edinburgh has a nightclub called Why Not. I did not know this. I looked quite stupid. 
Although I think they clearly told me where they were going as a hint for me to join them later. I would have done, but they made an error. A massive error which put me off them. They did not leave a tip.
Sorry ladies. 
You just lost out on the Andy love.
Your loss!

Half way through Dinner service something happened. 

Something terrible. 

Something I can barely bring myself to talk about.

My pen died.
And not just any pen. A clicky pen! Do you know how hard it is to hold onto a clicky pen when working in a restaurant? It's fooking impossible! And I managed it for nearly three weeks in Tapas Towers. That has to be some kind of record.
Goodbye my favourite clicky pen, you will be missed.
I was considering writing a poem as a farewell to my pen, but to be honest I can't be arsed. I'm totally exhausted. I just don't have the energy. Plus I go back to school in 3 days and I haven't done any preparation for that. So I need to keep all my creativity for script writing.

With it being the festival, it is of course very busy, it also means that people are coming in a lot later. On Saturday we had people coming at nearly 11pm. That's is "Mucho Insanio" as the Spanish would say. One such table was a particular pain for me.
I approached the table eager to get a drink order. The sooner you get a drink order the sooner you get a food order. The sooner you get a food order the sooner they get food. The sooner they get food the sooner they eat. The sooner they eat the sooner they finish eating. And the sooner they finish eating the sooner they get the fuck out of the restaurant and I can go home.

"Hi folks, can I get you something to drink?"
"Yes, We'll have some wine." The man said.
He then stared blankly at me for a minute. As if our business was done, he expected me to extrapolate exactly which wine he wanted from that sentence.
"Do you know which wine you'd like sir?"
"Yes, a bottle of white wine please." He then handed me the wine list.
"Which white wine sir? I have over 70 wines in the wine list."
"Just a bottle of white is fine."
"You'll need to tell me which white wine sir."
"Fine lets have a look at the list again." He sounded annoyed.
I walked away from the table to give him a few minutes to choose. Obviously this was an incredibly difficult thing for him to do. Fucking moron!
I returned 5 minutes later.
"Alright sir have you made a decision on which wine you'd like?"
"Yes we're going to have a bottle of white wine."
I sighed, smiled and walked away.
I ordered him a bottle of house white and never returned to the table.

Early on Saturday morning before I even went to work, I watched this video on you tube.

If you can't see the video above then you're an idiot! I already told you to stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

This is Ranjit, one of the chef's. I think if he continued singing the busker would have beaten him to death with his guitar!

Next Time on The Blog Of Andy G
It's Sunday Funday in Tapas Towers!

  • I meet a poet.
  • I imply that I have aids.
  • I show off my knowledge of the law.
  • Witness a cougar in the wild.
  • And attempt to beat racism!

That's All For Now

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will introduce you to Ranjit and get him to sing for you. If you do not subscribe then I will force him to come round to your house and sing for you every day for a month!

Monday, 23 August 2010

Highlights of the weekend: Freaky Friday


Hows it goin? 

I am working very, very hard at the moment. I'm knackered. 
It's the festival in Edinburgh and Tapas Towers is busier than ever. I suspect this maybe due to the fact that I have returned for brief spell and word of this has spread throughout the city.
This weekend has been the busiest weekend I have ever worked, here are some of the highlights.

Table 200 was a table of four very excitable people, every time I put a dish down on the table they went, "Wooooo." With every dish the "Wooooo" got louder and longer, I served them twelve tapas. By the time the last dish went down I honestly exepcted a round of applause. It was like being  on a game show, except a really crap game show,  a really crap game show that serves tapas.

Table 206 was a couple of older ladies who seemed confused. Whenever I put food on the table I say the name of the dish in spanish and english. The conversation went as follows,
"Hi ladies we have the carne de res picante, which is the spicy beef salad."
"Is that the aubergine with couscous?" She asked.
"No, it's the spicy beef salad." I replied.
"Not the aubergine?"
"No, it's the spicy beef salad."
"Where's the aubergine?"
"Here it is." I place the aubergine on the table.
"So this is the aubergine with couscous?"
"And what's that one?"
"The spicy beef salad."
"And this is the aubergine."
"That's right."
"I see, it's very confusing isn't it?"
I didn't answer that, because to be honest it's not very confusing, one is clearly a beef salad and the other one is clearly NOT a beef salad. Fucking muppets!
I never went back to get a dessert order. I suspect that would have taken me about an hour to explain the difference between a creme brulee and a cheese cake.

Later in the day a woman got very upset with me regarding the design of the building.

"Where are the toilets?" A large woman grumpily asked me.
"Upstairs and turn left."
"Yes ma'am, upstairs and left."
"The toilets are upstairs?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Why are they upstairs."
"Ermm, I don't know, that's where they've always been."
"Why aren't they downstairs?"
"Sorry ma'am I don't know, I didn't design the building."
"That's illegal, what if you're disabled?"
"We have disabled toilets."
"And how are disabled people meant to get to them if they are upstairs?" 
"The disabled toilets are on the ground floor."
"Well I'm going to use the disabled toilet."
She stormed off to the disabled toilets and emerged a few minutes later. At which point she received the bitchiest look I have ever seen, from a woman in a wheel chair who was clearly waiting to use the toilet.

Later in the day we had a celebrity customer, Shirley Manson from the band Garbage. I took the food over to the table and while telling them what everything was, I did one of my crappy waiter jokes. At which point one person at the table suggested that I should have my own show at the festival. I replied with,
"No, I couldn't do that, I'd be garbage."
I am particularly proud of that. Even though she did not bat an eyelid.
Later on I stopped by the table after they were done eating.
"Did you ask for me?" I asked.
"No, not us."
"That's weird, I could have sworn I heard you call my name?"
"Sorry no."
"Weird. You must I think I'm paranoid."

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
I then walked off, once again she did not bat an eye lid at this extremely brilliant joke.

I saw a woman giving someone a palm reading. I thought she may be joking but having overheard her I realised she was not. She was very serious about the whole thing. She asked the woman if she has had trouble conceiving a child, the woman getting her palm read (the palmee) looked shocked, how did this woman know this? Does she have magical powers? I suspect she may have had trouble conceiving because she was pig ugly. She looked a bit like Pumba from the Lion King. The reader then told the palmee that she would have a child within the next ten years. She looked overjoyed. I think the palmee was so over joyed that she paid for lunch for the reader. Nice little scam if you ask me. I don't believe in palm reading, I think it's bullshit. So should you, and if you don't think it's bullshit, you're a moron. 

That being said I was willing to give it a go. I asked the woman if she would read my palm. 

She didn't seem keen.

During the rest of my shift on Friday I also saw a baby that looked like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.

A man who looked like the guy from the Scream picture.

And a man with a face like the cresent moon. He had the pointiest chin I have ever seen. He coud have had someones eye out witht hat thing! It was like he was the secret love child of Jimmy Hill and Bruce Forsyth.

Next time on The Blog Of Andy G
I take you through the highlights of the busiest Saturday Tapas Towers has ever done. Including:
  • One of the chefs singing
  • An arsehole asking about wine
  • I invent a brilliant chat up line
  • I Fall in love with a deaf girl
  • I Fall in love with a girl with magnificent boobs
  • And the death of my pen
That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will buy you a glass of sangria in Tapas Towers

Monday, 16 August 2010

A Tale of Love and Loss

Hows it goin? 
I'm pretty tired at the moment. In fact not just at the moment, I am generally knackered. I'm half way through my crazy August. I haven't worked this hard since, ever. I've also been working hard on a secret project, I'm hoping to be able to tell you more about that in the near future. Keep watching the blog for new posts, as something awesome is gonna be announced soon!

Yesterday I found a little ray of sunshine. I was working hard in the restaurant, the place was incredibly busy. I had good banter with all my customers, which is rare for me, I usually have to deal with at least one asshole. But not tonight, everyone was friendly, and a good laugh. Especially the table with two girls. Two hot girls. Two hot girls in revealing outfits. It was ace.
We were chatting away a couple of times throughout the night and we got on. After dinner the two had another drink and I had another brief chat to them about what they were up to for the rest of the evening. They said they were off out into town and asked what I was doing. I gave my automatic response of working here, no rest for the wicked. I left it at that and thought no more of it. We had a nice wee chat, but I'm a realist, they were a couple of  hotties and I was an overworked restaurant monkey who smelt like Albondigas, (Meatballs) and Fanta. (I spilt some on my shirt). No chance was this gonna go any further. Despite the scenario's that my imagination was already rampant with. No chance was one of them gonna say,
"Hey how about we go back to my place and watch Doctor Who? And by the way Doctor Who is Code for Sex! And then after wards we can actually watch Doctor Who."

No chance one of them would actually say that. But it's nice to dream. I gave the girls the bill and thought nothing more of it. They paid via credit card and I wandered off back to the exciting world of Tapas. But as I was at another table, I noticed  that the two girls seemed to be giving my the eye, both chatting to each other then looking at me.
Surely they couldn't be, yes they were. They were checking me out! All this exercise and not eating enough lately is beginning to pay off!
I noticed they were writing some on the bill. 
Then I realised what was happening!

Holy Frak!
Oh my god! 
By the Beard of Zeus!
Good Golly Miss Molly!
Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

Two hot girls were leaving me their phone number on the receipt!
This was AWESOME!
I was getting left a phone number by two hot girls!
Two girls who are hot were leaving me a phone number!
Hell Yeah!
Today is a good day!
I felt like a king.
I wandered over to say goodnight to the ladies as they were leaving.
We said our goodbyes and they left, all of us knowing that we would meet again soon. Probably for drinks at first, then clubbing, then before we know it, we are getting it on. 
The next morning would be awkward, but only until I remember her name. Then we would probably become a couple, me and my hot girlfriend!
This was awesome.
I headed back to the table where they were sitting. They left the bill on the table. The bill with the phone number written on it. The greatest piece of paper in the entire history of paper! This piece of paper was my key to the gates of paradise! My ticket on board the hot girlfriend express. This piece of paper was going to change my life. Things were looking up. Yes I'm working a lot at the moment but my new hot girlfriend would understand. She's hot, and she's awesome, of course she'll understand. And then once my work is finished and September comes around, we'll spend more time together. 
I wonder which one of them it will be. After all two girls were sitting on the table. The number could belong to either one of them. Maybe they want to share me? I wouldn't mind. I hope it's the one with the shorter hair. She was definitely the better looking one. But I'll take the other one if it's her. I'm willing to settle. I'm nice like that.
I approach the table slowly, savouring every moment of this life changing experience.
I pick up the receipt, scan down for the number. 
This is what I found on the receipt.

What. The. Fuck?
No phone number, and worse than that, no fucking tip!
I hate the public!

Thats All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe then you are a bastard. Simple as.


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