Thursday, 6 January 2011

Sparky Pineapples, Crazy Cranberrys, and a Bitch Face


How's it goin?

As you know Christmas is over, and that's fucking awesome!

This christmas at Vincents went rather well.(For the most part.) We had a good team, and we all worked very hard. We had several staff that were only christmas temps, but they were also very good. On one particularly busy day I even roped in four of my classmates to come and work for the day. 

During the christmas period, one slight problem I had was trying to remember peoples names. There were a lot of new faces, and it was very busy, so very little time for deep and meaningful chats to get to know them. At one point we had three girls called Caroline working on the same day, so when I asked,
"Where's Caroline?" 
It just led to confusion.
Thankfully I am a genius, how that restaurant copes without me on a daily basis I honestly don't know.

I gave people nicknames.

It was just easier than remembering real names, especially in the case of the Carolines.

So Caroline One became "Sparky"
I'm not really sure why, I thought it was a great nickname.

I was struggling to think of a semi decent nickname for Caroline two, then we had the following conversation.

Caroline Two: Andy, the woman on table 14 want's pineapple juice.

Andy: We don't have pineapple juice.

Caroline Two: We don't have pineapple juice?

Andy: Correct.

Caroline Two: So there is no pineapple juice in the building.

Andy: That's right.

Caroline Two: Are there any pineapples?

Andy: What? No.

Caroline Two: So there are NO pineapples in the building?

At this point I should point out that we were incredibly busy, I was running about like a mad man. But I found this conversation to the funniest thing that had ever happened to me, ever. This was probably due to my lack of sleep, combined with the ridiculous amount of Red Bull I had been drinking. It was at this point that Caroline Two earned her nickname "Pineapple."

However, the next day Pineapples nick name evolved. Obviously with it being Christmas we had turkey on the menu, and with turkey you offer cranberry sauce. So every time turkey goes to a table someone has to go round with a small dish of cranberry and offer it to whoever is having the turkey. And for some reason, I don't know why, every single time that day whenever turkey went out, it was Pineapple who was dishing out the cranberry. She became the cranberry girl that day. I did consider simply changing her name to Cranberry, but then I had a brain wave. Mix it up! You have Pineapple, and Cranberry, it's a mixture of fruits, it's Tutti Frutti!

And so Caroline Two, who became Pineapple, became Tutti Frutti. And within an hour that had been shortened to Tutti.

There was some talk of suing me for sexual harassment for this. I can't see why though. I have offered time and again to have sex with almost all of the waiting staff, for free. I would not charge them for this privilege. Yet none of them have taken me up on the offer. Yet.

I should probably tell you, dear reader. That I have recently started seeing someone/going out with someone/dating someone (whatever it is you crazy kids say nowadays. By someone I mean a girl. A girl who has probably just read the above paragraph and gone in a little bit of a mood. So for legal reasons I should point out that the above paragraph was written purely in jest. I have never engaged in sexual relations with anyone under my employ. I don't dip my pen in the company ink.

They always turn me down.
(Another jest.)

As I said we had three Carolines working on one particular day, Caroline One became Sparky.
Caroline Two became Tutti.
Caroline Three remained Caroline. (She was just a one day employee.)

Another nickname that emerged from Christmas was the one given to Laura S.
Laura usually works in the Club downstairs, but since we were so busy in the restaurant we put her hard to work serving tables. Her and her friend Katie work well together. Although I'm not sure if they actually like each other. Laura was constantly trying to get me to call Katie "fat." This is something I would never do as I have learned from experience never to call a woman this. It always leads to trouble. And usually a slap. Or a punch. Or a punch from her boyfriend. Who is angry as he has just realised that his girlfriend really is fat! Sorry for breaking that illusion pal.

Anyway, Laura S was constantly trying to wind up Katie. Katie said she was used to it because Laura S is basically the bitchiest of all her friends. Laura S seemed to take this rather well, in fact she seemed quite proud of the fact that she had been labelled a bitch.
And on that particular day, we had two Laura's working, Laura S and Laura V. So another nickname was in order. One that was accurate, and honest. Like a military nickname.

I came up with BitchFace.

Which she seemed rather chuffed with. So for the rest of the festive period, and possibly for the rest of there lives. 

Caroline One became Sparky.

Caroline Two became Tutti.

Caroline Three remained Caroline.

And Laura S became BitchFace.

I am very proud of my nicknaming skills.

Although they can get you into trouble.

Last week I was having a wander around town, checking out the january sales, day dreaming about actually being able to afford anything. When I saw BitchFace, she was walked right past me and ignored me when I said hi. It seems that Bitchface was a very accurate nickname. I shouted after her, she again ignored me. I was a little annoyed, how dare she ignore me like this! I walked after her, tapped her on the shoulder and said,

"Hey! Why you ignoring me BitchFace?"

She turned round and DID NOT look happy, 

it was not her.

I had just called a random woman BitchFace, and of course she was ignoring me, she didn't know who I was. All I was, was some random nutter shouting BitchFace in the middle of Primark.

"Shit, I'm really sorry, I thought you were someone else."

And then I ran away.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

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1 comment:

  1. I am very very worried about your naming skills. please choose mine with care.



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