Saturday, 27 February 2010

The most interesting thing I learned this week

Hows it goin?

Those of you who follow me on facebook, may have noticed I had a little rant during the week.

The reason this makes me so happy is, lately my facebook news feed is constantly taken up with things like, farmville, fishville, mafia wars and some other bollocks. 
I don't care what kind of fucking fish you are.
Another reason is, I have discovered how to block people from my news feed so I never see what they post. 
This is also a relief. 
I don't understand why people feel the need to pour there hearts out on a facebook status update. 
It's pathetic really.
I don't care if for the first time in your life you feel betrayed or you think you are in love for the first time, its fucking facebook, not your diary!
I am aware that one or two of the people I blocked might be reading this blog, but to be honest I don't care. Maybe you are even intelligent enough to figure out I am talking about you. 
Maybe you'll block me, maybe I am one of the really annoying people who constantly takes up your newsfeed with my retarded comments and updates on this stupid little blog. If so then you should block me. 
Only fair I suppose.
It's highly annoying, also I don't see the point in joining some of the incredibly stupid and pointless groups out there. 
Is there any need?
Now I will admit to joining some groups recently I even formed one.
The Where is Dave Bailey Group. 
But there was a point to that, I wanted to track down Dave Bailey, I can even excuse some of the groups relating to the ship.
"I hate Boatdrill" etc.
Because they are a way to get in touch with old shipmates. But some of these groups, what the fuck is the point?
Now in the early days of facebook even I joined a few of these stupid things, because I didn't know any better. I am a member of Uncle buck and The Ron Burgandy Appreciation society. 
Fuck knows why.
I don't care enough to go into the page and actually leave the group. So maybe in some ways I am a hypocrite. But I'm not joining any more of these stupid things, It's retarded. I have joined some groups recently, but they all have a point. There is a purpose to them, and a purpose to my joining them, can anyone really say the same of the 
"I flip the pillow to the cool side group."
Anyway, that's my moan over with.  

To the point of this post, I posted my little rant on facebook and my friend Richard left me a comment.

I don't know if this is true but I choose to believe it is.

So that's the end of my little rant, I hope I haven't offended anyone.
Well maybe a couple of you. 
And now I will leave you with a song.

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on faceboon and click here

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you subscribe to this post then maybe one day I will have a rant all about you!

Friday, 26 February 2010

Friendly Friday: Dr Kev

Hows it goin?

Going through the list of my friends who deserve a mention on this blog I thought I better mention Kev, I realised he is my oldest friend. 

I tried to find an adequate description of Kev on but everyone on there seems to hate him. 
I mean properly hate him. 
I would never reprint what was said about him, but if you want to read it then click here.

I searched for Kevin, here are my top 3:

I think the third is the most accurate.

Kev recently became a Doctor. I can't spell what he is a doctor of, but it's something sciencey.
I am still torn between new nicknames for him, 
My top five are:
  1. Doc
  2. Dr Kev
  3. Dr Watt
  4. Dr W
  5. DW 

I think my favourite out of that list is DW. 
Mainly because I can say the line,
"When there's trouble you call DW."
Admittedly I did steal that from the opening credits of Darkwing Duck, but it still works.
Kev and I have been on many drunken adventures together, our first major outing is when we went to Leeds to visit our friend Richard. Those few days were the drunkest I had ever been, at the time.
Kev was lucky enough to be sharing a room with me in Leeds and was even luckier in the fact that I was in many ways a human alarm clock.
Being woken up by the sound of me throwing up must be the best way to start the day eh?
I also thought it best to feature Kev in my little blog because he has been good enough to give me a role in his wedding.
I think he and his future wife (Alice) felt sorry for me, so gave me a job, kind of like the retarded cousin is told he's in charge of holding the door open or something.
But i'm still happy.
I will be The Master Of Ceremonies.
Which I think technically makes me the most important man involved in the wedding.
Think about it.
The wedding is a ceremony, and I am the Master of Ceremonies.
Without me there is no ceremony.
I am currently looking into my wardrobe for the day, I think I should have some kind of special hat.

Any suggestions?

A poem for Kev

I met Kev in primary school,
even then we knew we were cool.
We've been friends for 17 years,
together we've drunk countless beers.
We once went drinking in the city of Leeds,
and we did many drunken deeds.
I've know Kev since primary five,
without me he wouldn't be alive.
I made that up, it's an exaggeration,
and now he's moving to a new location.
Now he's moving to the land down under,
Who will help me when I drunkenly chunder?
So Kev have fun, when you move to Australia,
I'll keep in touch, I'll email ya.

I did try find a video that would be appropriate for Kev, I couldn't find anything relevant so I though this would be best.
When there's trouble you call DW!

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and click here

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you subscribe to then you will receive a free ringtone of me being sick after a night of drunkenness. 

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Production Diary Entry 5: The Cast

Hows it goin?
The cast is locked and loaded, shooting commences in 5 days!
I realised the other day, there is a chance this will be the only movie I will ever make. So I'm damn well gonna be in it. I have taken a small role, only a couple of lines. I did consider playing the rude man so I can portray how much of an asshole some customers are. But I need to be behind the camera and The Rude Man is a major character and I want to be behind the camera more than in front of it.
I am going to be acting in 3 of my classmates films, these will all be shown at The Forum over summer so anyone who wants to see my amazing acting skills as well as my little film on the big screen is more than welcome to come.
Anyway, without further a due, It is with great pride I present to you, the cast of my upcoming movie.
"The Playhouse"

 Althea Campagnoli will be The Rude Mans Wife
 Andy G will be Head Chef Henry
 Daniel Wellard will be Christopher Kennedy
 Chef Dave Morrison will be Himself
Fiona Jayne Massie will be Nikki The Waitress
Graham Mcconnell will be Vinnie The Owner
James Payne will be Steve The Waiter
John King will be The Rude Man
Jonny Mountain will be Bobby The Barman

Jonny has the honour of being the only person to name his own character, he was so happy when he decided on a name he called me at 2am while very drunk to share the news.

Which was nice.
I was thinking if this film is well received, then I might make some more and develop them into a web based series.  I found this video which has some good advice on how to make a web series, It's quite helpful and it has Mr Belding from Saved By The Bell in it. 
So you know it's good.

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe to The Blog Of Andy G then I will kiss you, on your face!
If you want.

Monday, 22 February 2010

The Tale Of Last Tuesday

Hows it goin?

Now I must admit that some parts of the story I'm about to tell you have not come from me. Mainly because I can't remember them.
Last Tuesday was a day like any other, I was in my Television Research class, The teacher was not there and as Class Rep I was left in charge. This was a terrible idea, but the teacher wasn't to know that at the time. I handed out the assignments, put round a register and then went mad with power. I think I expelled 3 people, but I'm not sure why. 
To distract myself from the rather boring conversations that some of my classmates were having, I put my headphones in and started work on one of the documentaries I need to make next year. (I'm thinking of doing mine on beer.)
It was then that the planets aligned, all the mystical forces of the universe were focused on me, or more specifically on my phone. 

I got a call.

A call that would change my life.

That previous sentence may be a bit overly dramatic. It probably didn't change my life, just my day.

The call came from Ivano, The Sommelier. He had to go to a wine tasting and Althea (his wife) was sick so she couldn't go. He asked if I would like to take her place. 
Now being the sensible, mature student that I am I of course said no, I had class in the afternoon and alot of work to do.

Ivano then used his super Italian mind control powers on me.

"Andy, there will be free wine, lot's of free wine."   he said.
"I'll see you there at half 1." 
I replied 

How could I not go? Everyone knows I love wine, especially free wine.

I told my tutor I had to work in the afternoon due to someone being sick. Which technically is true. I was testing wine in a professional capacity.
I jumped on the bus home, got changed and headed to the venue. By this point it was just after 1pm and I was starving. Fortunately I had been to a couple of these wine tastings before and I knew they always had a free lunch included. I arrived at 1:20 and met Ivano in the reception area, there were about 75 wines laid out on a table waiting to be tasted, but strangely there was no one tasting them. For a second I did wonder if this was an elaborate rues, perhaps Ivano had organised this to get me in a secure location where he would then extract my kidneys and sell them on the black market so he could pay off his ever increasing debts caused by his addiction to cabernet sauvignon. 

"Where is everyone?" I asked while slowly backing up towards the door.

"They're having lunch." Ivano informed me.


I missed the free lunch.

To make matters worse I missed breakfast that day. I was bloody starving. 

I decided to put my hunger aside and start testing the wines. We started on the champagne, which was nice.
Then we moved onto the whites, lots and lots of white wine. Some of it was crap, some of it was very nice. I should point out that during the tasting Ivano was being very professional, he spat out all the wine.

I did not.

At this point I met one of the ambassadors for a very nice white wine. I forget the name. He was french and looked like Brandon Routh. (The guy who played Superman in Superman Returns)

After tasting what must have been around 30 white wines I am quite proud to say I was feeling only slightly tipsy. 
Then we moved onto the red, and even then, after drinking about another 20 samples of red wine I was still doing pretty good.
It came to around 4pm, and they were starting to pack everything away, it is then things become hazy. I remember drinking something red, something red and spanish. But that's all the details I can give you. To be honest it may have been the sauce from some Albondigas.

After that I don't know what happened.

I have a very vague memory of talking to Helen, I remember being in my flat and not being able to find my glass's and getting very angry about this. And then I remember being on a bus, a bus to Bridge of Don. A few days ago I spent about an hour looking for a couple of books I knew I already owned. I searched my flat and couldn't find them. I deduced they must be at my parents house in the loft. 
So on Tuesday evening in my drunken state I decided to go and get them. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't think I got the books, I remember climbing the ladder and I remember having an argument with my Mum.

However, there is a gap. 
A big gap.

According to my outgoing calls I spoke to Helen at 5:54pm. I left the wine tasting just before 4pm.
Where the hell was I for 2 hours??
My call log also tells another story.
I had 23 missed calls from Ivano.
That's worrying. 
I awoke on Wednesday morning, fully clothed and there was a strange smell in my room. (not the usual strange smell.) A whiff of red wine, mixed with an odour of vomit. I got out of bed and checked myself out in the mirror, as I stood up I nearly fell over, my ankle was killing me. 
What the hell happened?
It was then I discovered where that strange smell was coming from.
Or more specifically my jacket and my trousers.
I wandered through to the kitchen to get a desperately needed glass of water. My mouth was drier than Ghandi's flip flop.
But then I was in for another shock. My kitchen had been practically destroyed. Everything was lying on the floor.
The bin was over turned, pots and pans, and several broken glass's.
I now own about 2 glass's, yesterday I owned about 15.
For a minute I thought I had been robbed, but then I realised I had nothing valuable.
I missed school that day, I was up in time but I didn't have the motivation. I lay in bed trying to figure out what the hell happened.
My mind was drawing a blank.
The next day I had to work, it seemed tales of my exploits had already been told. No one was particularly surprised. I have a bad reputation.
I decided to try and get some answers, I called Ivano and got him to fill in some of the blanks.
The next several paragraphs are all what Ivano told me happened. 
Now I must point out that 99% of the things Ivano says are usually bollocks. He has a tendency to bull shit with the best of them. So there is no guarantee this is the truth and I really hope it isn't

According to Ivano as the wine tasting was finishing up, I attempted to steal a bottle of wine by subtly hiding it in my pocket After leaving the wine tasting we went to Mal Maison to talk to a sommelier we both know. Apparently while there I had a peroni and he quite sensibly had a coffee. I threw the beer away and wandered into the whisky tasting room. Not sure why.
I then returned and attempted to chat up the barmaid by talking about blow jobs. Not sure what angle I was going for there.
I then apparently went on a rant about rose wine and how it is only for girls and gays. 
I don't know why I would say that. 
I don't think that. 
At least I don't think I think that. 
Do I?
And then I got thrown out. Ivano tried to find me by checking every bar in the surrounding area, and calling me 23 times. I don't know why I didn't answer.
Ivano has advised me not to go to Mal Maison for at least a couple of months. 
This is quite worrying. I have absolutely no memory of these events taking place. I only have Ivano's word. 
But just to be safe I am not going to be visiting Mal Maison anytime in the near future.
Apparently Helen has recorded some of my drunken conversation to her, I really, really hope she deletes it.
Fortunately Althea did not record the conversation I apparently had with her where I was sick, repeatedly.

So all as a result of Ivano's initial phone call on a Tuesday morning.
I still don't know what happened to my ankle.
My kitchen now smells of red wine and vomit.
And I am now using jam jars for drinking glass's.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will take you to a wine tasting.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Friendly Friday: Jonny Torpedo

Hows it goin?
This week I'm gonna write about Jonny Torpedo.

Here's a picture of him just doing a normal everyday thing that everyone normally does on a day to day basis.

Yes, he is shaving his nipples. I'm not entirely sure why.
This is how describes Jon.

Jonny Torpedo, along with myself and Adam he is a founding father of The Drinking Team, Jonny's origins are shrouded in mystery.
The most popular story is, there was a storm, a terrible storm. A distillery was struck by lightening and the power went out. When the power was restored, a baby was lying next to a keg, no one knew how he got there.
That Baby Was Jonny Torpedo.
Jon lived opposite myself and Adam when we all worked on the floating caravan that is The QE2, he shared a cabin with the infamous Lefty.
Jon is one of the more excitable people I know. When we were living together in Edinburgh I managed to get home from work at a semi decent time and suggested we go see the new Star Trek movie. Being a massive geek I couldn't wait to see it. Adam wasn't keen, I asked Jon and he was excited, more excited than I had ever seen him, he got so excited he took off all his clothes and ran round the house naked.
He then proceeded to play football in the kitchen, still naked.
After about 20 minutes of naked football he went for a bath and fell asleep in the tub, poor Jon had tired himself out, sadly I never got to see star trek that night. Even more sadly, I got too see far too much of Jon.

Here's a vid features Jonny Torpedo and his Greek Brother From Another Mother, Lefty.

If you can't see the video I've posted above then stop reading this crap on facebook and
click here.

A Poem For Jonny Torpedo

I met Jon on The QE2
We went for a beer, more than a few.
Jonny Torpedo, that's his name.
Drinking and shagging, that's his game.
Sometimes he likes to shave his nipple,
but usually after he's had a tipple.
I don't know why his last names Torpedo,
Maybe it's something to do with the Lido.
We lived together, in our massive flat,
I saw him get naked, but you already knew that.
When will I see Jon again?
Nobody knows.
I just hope he's wearing some clothes.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

Subscription to The Blog Of Andy G is recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

A Short Story

Hows it goin?
In continuation of my frivolous quest to become a writer, I have started to dabble in fiction. Sadly, as you are aware, I have very little talent and my grammar is terrible.

But if you ignore all that then you might like this little story, on the other hand you might think its crap.

But never mind. You don't have to read it.

The Book

It was the year 6057 and mankind was now thriving. Planet Earth was one of the founding members of the intergalactic alliance. Earth was truly paradise, and it was all thanks to The Book.
It wasn't always like this, it took time for Earth to evolve into the paradise it had become.
The Great War began in the year 4000 and lasted for 500 years. 500 years of warfare, of death and destruction. Humanity had already reached the stars by this point, they had made countless allies from hundreds of species, but they all ignored the Earth in time of need. They would not get involved in an internal conflict. Humanity turned on itself.
The war continued to rage, nation against nation. Some countries were completely obliterated, now they only exist in historical record.
Billions of lives were lost.
By the year 4500, the human race was nearly extinct. Less than a million humans were left, but they continued to fight.
Then a discovery was made, in the ruins of an ancient city, thousands of years old. A group of refugees, struggling to survive, stumbled upon an ancient repository of knowledge. It was here they found, The Book.
The Book talked of mankind's greatest hero. It was thousands of years old, many believed that The Book was revered in it's time. It was written to show people how to live their lives, to show people how life should be lived.
It spoke of a man, a great man. He was wise beyond his years. He was worshipped by all he met, it spoke of the charity that was shown to him, and how he enriched the lives of those he knew. It spoke of the miracles he performed, and the great deeds people bore witness to.
The Book gave the people hope. Word of The Book spread, and the fighting slowed. People all over the planet came to hear tales from The Book. The Book became the foundation of a whole new civilisation. It took another millennium, but humanity prospered. All thanks to the teachings of The Book. The Book formed the basis of all society.
When mankind returned to the stars, they continued to spread the word of The Book. They contacted countless new races, visited thousands of new worlds. And they continued to follow the wisdom and teachings of The Book.
Now, over 1500 years since the end of the last great war, humanity is strong again. The Book is now the basis of all religion throughout the 7 explored galaxies.
The Book is the most popular selling book of all time, on every planet, in every galaxy.
The original book was preserved in an ancient monastery, only the sacred monks of Cunningham may visit it.
Below is the only known picture of the original book, may it continue to inspire, for generations to come.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will write a short story about you.

Monday, 15 February 2010

Production Diary Entry 4: The Auditions

Hows it goin?

So as you may be aware I held auditions last week for my upcoming movie.
I had my crew in place and I was prepared for any crowd control issues.
After some slight technical difficulties we managed to get the camera up and running.

Sadly the attendance was not what I had hoped for. I had about 20-30 people tell me they were coming, 
only 9 showed up.
9 good ones tho.

I have given the script a small re write and written out one of the waitress's, and I am now short of just one character. I have asked someone to take the role and he said he will get back to me on Monday if he is interested. I don't want to say too much incase it doesn't happen, but if it does it will be AWESOME, cos this guy is really, really good. 
But if he's not interested, then I'm buggered.
I've also decided to take on one of the roles myself. If I'm gonna make a movie I'm damn well gonna be in it. 
Only a small part, I'm gonna play the role of Henry the head chef, It's only a two line part and I will have experience in chef acting as I am playing a chef in another classmates film.

My first Audition of the evening was the wonderful Althea.

As you can tell she was pretty excited to be part of this monumental event.

I was slightly concerned as I was technically hiring the restaurant for my own purposes, I didn't want anyone coming in looking for a meal. I made a polite notice and that seemed to do the trick.

So that's most of the cast sorted out, and hopefully I'll have them finalised within a few days.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then I may consider you for a role in my next movie, Andy G and the Temple of Fucken Idiots!

Friday, 12 February 2010

Friendly Friday: Adam

Hows it goin?
I have been inspired by Urban  After I put up the post on Monday about the definition of Andy on that website, I started to write a follow up. I felt bad that I only talked about me. I planned to go through everyone in my phonebook, post a picture of them and whatever urban dictionary had to say about them. But then I realised, that's a quite a lot of people, and I can't be arsed. So I've decided to make it a weekly thing.
Cleverly titled Friendly Friday, So every Friday, I'll post a picture and an urban dictionary definition of someone who is lucky enough to be my friend.
They won't be in any particular order, and it will take a while but I think eventually I will get through everyone. Plus the next time I mention someone who you, oh wonderful reader, may not have met, it will give you an idea who I'm talking about.
I thought I better start with Adam, partly because he's my best mate, and partly because he's the first person in my phonebook.
Here's a picture of him doing what he does best.

Now this definition is not entirely accurate. In fact it's not accurate in any way. Admittedly he was the first one to get laid on the ship, out of the two of us anyway. But when we got the big flat in Edinburgh he was the last one out of the 4 of us.

Adam and I met in skies above Africa. 

I was on a plane bound for Cape town, on my way to start a new job on The QE2, I was stuck sitting between a large Norwegian guy called No No ( honest, that was his real name) and a scouser called Gemma. The three of us all got to talking about why were each going to South Africa, and it turned out we were all going to join the ship.
As soon as someone said The QE2 this hand appeared over the top of my seat and I heard the words
"Alright folks, QE2?"
And that was Adam, we've been best mates pretty much ever since.
We shared a cabin for the majority of the time we worked together on the ship, and we were flat mates when I lived in Edinburgh along with Jonny Torpedo and Richard P.
I am sure most of you have heard of "Andom." Despite what your thinking it's not gay. 
It's the name of our company
Random Andom

It was Adam who got me the Random Andom Jackets.

These were a pretty cool birthday present, almost as cool as what I got him a few months earlier.
Yes, That is a life size cardboard cut out of the two of us.
I know you're all jealous, that has to be the greatest gift ever.

There are thousands of Adam stories I could tell you but I'm sure you're not bored enough to read them.  Those of you who are lucky enough to have seen QE2 Reloaded, the dvd I made about the QE2, will remember Adam from the video at the end which I accurately titled,
Proof that Adam is a Drunken Idiot.

I won't put that video online as he will go nuts, but one day, the next time he really annoys me, then it will be on youtube immediately.

I typed in Adam Poole into youtube just to see what the results would be.
This is my favourite.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe then one day I will write a Friendly Friday post all about you!


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