Monday, 1 February 2010

Dear Australian Beer Company(A.K.A. Envelope 11-15 of 50)

Hows it goin?
Below is the latest entry in my letter writing challenge. I will admit to cheating slightly, but only slightly. I sent an almost identical letter to 5 different people. But there was a good reason for this, and it still used 5 envelopes. So it's not technically cheating.

Dear Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys

G’day mate? Hows it going?

Apologies for the less than formal greeting, I thought you might appreciate a more casual hello. I hope it went down well.
I am writing to you with a fantastic opportunity.  My good friend Kev has recently got engaged to his long term girlfriend Alice. And to top it off they are planning on moving to Australia in summer. As soon as this was mentioned the subject of beers came up. Both Kev and myself are big fan of Scottish beers, but since he is moving to your fair country I have encouraged him to try new things and venture into the exciting world of Australian beers.
It is really on his behalf I am writing, I would like to ask you, what can you offer my friend? Why should he become a committed Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys drinker? 
And believe me when Kev moves to your fair country he will be giving your annual figures a very large boost. And there are other things to consider, I am planning on visiting him. So you would have not one, but TWO Scottish drinking MACHINES drinking your magnificent beer. Not only that, but when we are out and about around your lovely country and people see us drinking Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys and having a great time, surely that’s a great advert for you? People will see two Scottish guys having a great time drinking Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys and then they will try to equal our happiness by drinking your beer!
So why should we choose you? 
Can you offer my friend and I anything? 
And by anything I mean anything, we’ll take free beer, or beer related products such as t-shirts, key rings, badges, a car. Anything really.
Also, would you be interested in sponsoring Kev & Alices wedding? Can you imagine all the free publicity you would receive? An Australian theme wedding to send them off, with free Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys for everyone! That would definitely make the papers and make your company look ACE. It will at very least make it into my blog ( This letter will also be published on there getting you some free publicity already. 
You are welcome.
It is now I must make a small confession. I have been somewhat duplicitous. I have written an identical letter to your rivals (Crown lager, Victoria Bitter, Fosters, Tooheys and Castlemain XXXX. 

Is that duplicitous? 
Or would it make me pentuplicitous, like a pentagon, get it?

Please don’t take any offence to this but I must keep my options open and try and steer my friend in the right direction. He needs my guidance, I don’t know where he’d be without me.
I would ask that you give this letter some serious thought. This is a once in a life time opportunity to get some free publicity and possibly gain some lifetime customers. 
If it helps I have recently become a fully blown alcoholic and if you do consider giving us some freebies I promise to only drink Fosters/Crown/VB/Castlemain XXXX/Tooheys for as long as I live!

I look forward to your response

Kind Regards
Andy G

I have yet to receive a reply but I am confident they will be in touch soon. It probably takes a long time to get post from Australia.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will write a letter to someone important asking them to sponsor your wedding.

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