Friday, 29 January 2010

Dear Nurofen ( A.K.A. Envelope 10 of 50)

Hows it goin?
Here's yet another letter in my 50 envelope challenge. This time I thought I would write to a company who truly deserved some praise.

Dear Nurofen,

Good day. I hope this letter finds you well. This is just a short note to say thank you. I am generally a well mannered person and I believe in giving praise where praise is due. And I owe you a massive thanks. So many times I have woken up with the hangover from hell and so many times your tiny little pills have helped to ease my suffering. I am particularly fond of the new express gel tablets. I do like the fact they are bright red, which makes them much easier to find, especially when I am confused, and bleary eyed in the morning. I have recently become a fully-fledged alcoholic and I will be depending on your pills more than ever. So in advance I thank you.

You guys ROCK!!

Here’s a short poem to express my thanks.

Just a short note to say thank you,
I love your pills, I usually take two.
After a night, when I’ve been drinkin,
I was speakin shite, and not really thinking.
I awake in my bed,
And I’ve got a soar head.
I take two of your pills,
And I awake from the dead!

Kind Regards

Andy G
(satisfied customer)

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe to the The Blog Of Andy G then you will receive a magical goose which will lay a golden egg.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

I have discovered my latent superhero power

Hows it goin?

Right, first things first!

Thanks for reading the ramblings that a very bored and slightly drunk Andy G writes on a regular basis. But, if you are currently reading this on facebook, just CLICK HERE. This link will take you to the actual blog page, where the layout is much better, plus I have put a video on this particular post and facebook can't handle that shit!

Have you clicked it yet?

You fucken better of!!!

Sorry I've had some wine. (by some I mean a bottle)
(by a bottle I mean a bottle and a half, the other half went into the pasta I had for dinner)

Anyone who is bored enough to read my twitter or my facebook status may have noticed this the other day

This run was inspired by an event which transpired a couple of weeks ago.
I awoke from my afternoon nap, and I had to get ready for work.  I grabbed a pair of clean trousers but something was wrong, something was very wrong.
They no longer fit me.
I was very concerned.
It appeared I was a victim of a crime!
Someone broke into my house, stole my trousers and replaced them with a smaller pair.
And the worst thing was it wasn't just that pair, they stole 3 pairs of my work trousers and replaced them with another pair which were identical in almost every way, except the waist line.

I was outraged!!!

How could someone do this?

Why would someone do this?

I went over it again and again in my mind, it was the only logical explanation, someone must have broken into my flat, and replaced all my work trousers with smaller sizes. 

This was either the work of a very odd trouser thief or an elaborate practical joke.

Then, something happened.

The truth was revealed to me.

I had not been robbed, which in retrospect I wish I had.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For a minute I thought I was pregnant!

Altho then I realised the chances of that are slim, I haven't had any for ages!

Fuck me I am a fat bastard these days aren't I?

Now I know why that girl was sick in my flat a few weeks ago!
(You know who you are!!)
(And to be honest so do a few other people.)

So, as of two weeks ago I made a decision to try and change my ways. And I did, I ate less, I walked to school more often, (except when I overslept) and I drank less (not counting Saturday). And then in the first decent nice day for months I decided to go for a run, well I say a run, more of a jog, a slow jog. 
I can't afford the gym so I am trying the cheap way of getting fit. For a while when I lived in Edinburgh I had a semi decent exercise routine going. I am going to try and implement this again.
I put on my trainers which haven't been worn in about 3 months, left the flat, and started running in a random direction. I ran for about 15 minutes straight and then walked back from where ever the hell I was.
I was knackered at night but still on a bit of a Red Bull high so I still managed to get a lot done.
The next day, as I was walking to school, I noticed something. 
Something I was quite chuffed with.

My jeans felt a little less tight.


I couldn't believe my luck!

I hadn't been doing much exercise, I only changed a couple of small things in my daily routine and went for ONE (not very long) run and I was already losing weight!


Honestly, I walked down that road and felt like a king.

I even treated myself to a sausage sandwich for breakfast as a reward for losing weight!

That morning at school I had to give a presentation about a job I wanted in the media industry.
The majority of the class did a talk on being a director. I did mine on being a writer, I really enjoy writing, and even though I am not particularly talented and my grammar is atrocious and I can never remember if it is there or their, (Happy now Aders???) it's what I hope to do one day.  Sadly I think that may just be yet another dream that goes unfulfilled, like my dream of meeting Jet from Gladiators.

It's alright tho, in the quite likely event that my dream of becoming a writer/producer doesn't happen, I have a back up plan.

RS Mccolls.

I can get cheap Red Bull and get to read all the magazines for free!

Not too shabby eh?

Anyway, as I was saying, my presentation was on writers. I wanted to have a witty and interesting title for my presentation.

In the end I came up with this.

Which stands for, 

Sadly this was a great exaggeration on my part, hence the reason I decided to change the title, in the middle of doing the presentaion to this.

As I said earlier on this particular morning I was felling pretty good, I just had a sausage sandwich and a Red Bull for breakfast, Just did an alright presentation. Now I was honest with myself, it wasn't an awesome presentation, but it was worthy of a pass. I hope. But that didn't really matter, I had lost some weight, with not a lot of effort, maybe I have some kind of super power? 
Maybe I have the ability to control my body mass through the power of my mind!!
I sat down on my chair and waited for my classmate to go up and do yet another talk on being a director. I leaned back on my chair day dreaming about what my superhero name would be.

Maybe, Weight loss man?

Maybe I could get a sponsorship deal from weight watchers.

I could certainly do with the money.

Altho I don't want to hang out with fat people.

Most of them are mingers! 

If any particularly fat people are reading this, please do not take any offense, I'm just being honest, take a look in the mirror, seriously. It's not pretty. Maybe next time you go to an all you can eat buffet, don't treat it as a challenge?

I can't say much myself, I am a fat bastard too. But, I have a newly discovered super power where I can alter my body mass at will!

Anyway, as I was saying, I was leaning back in my chair day dreaming about my new super hero name, when Cat, who was sitting opposite me, I have talked about her before, she drew this picture of me.

Personally I don't see the resemblance but she seemed very happy with it.
Anyway, as I was leaning back on my chair Cat looked over and had a strange expression on her face.

I then discovered why my jeans were feeling a bit less tight.

I had not lost any weight. 

I did not have any secret super powers.

I had forgotten to do up the top two buttons on my jeans.


Oh well never mind.

I would now like to apologise to all the fat people who have read this. 

I feel your pain.

I know what its like, I grew up with a fat sister.

If I have caused any offence to any fat people reading I do offer my genuine apologies and I hope you did not take anything I have said personally.

I would be happy to take you out for a salad sometime.
(Obviously this offer does not count if you are an actual minger, or my sister. I guess those two are one in the same aren't they?)

In other news I read earlier today that Apple have released the new Ipad. Not sure about this new device. It looks to me like a giant  iphone without the phone. Not sure If I will be buying one especially after watching this advert.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

Do you know that every time someone subscribes to The Blog Of Andy G a kitten is saved from extermination.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

The tale of saturday night!

Hows it goin?

This week I have been lucky enough to get some shifts at Vincents, and it's a good thing to, I am very, very broke!
The Manager is on holiday so I worked Wednesday night and the weekend.
This did mean I missed out on a night out with the boys on Friday, but needs must.
The weekend was incredibly quiet, especially Saturday night.
It was busy to start with and then dead.
Unfortunately we had 2 late night bookings coming in at 10:15 pm. This was made worse by the fact that we were incredibly quiet. The night dragged on and on, and eventually it was just me and a table of two who refused to leave.


Luckily for me there was a dance night on in the club below. The constant repetitive thud of the speakers below soon forced them to leave and victory was mine.
The dance night had been organized by Ivano. He arranged for some very well known foreign DJ's.
I can't remember there names.
Althea was working the ticket desk and I stupidly promised I would go down and keep her company.
It was chav fucking central!
If there's one thing I fucken hate, it's chavs! And they were everywhere.
All night in the restaurant I had been taking calls regarding tickets and if they were on sale at the door and would they get in wearing trainers.
When ever the phone rings in the restaurant there is a specific way to answer it, in order to sound professional and polite. This gives the phoning customer the illusion I am professional and polite, and not a miserable bastard who would gladly punch them in the face if they don't stop fucking moaning.
Anyway, it goes like this,
"Good evening Vincents Restaurant, Andy speaking, how can I help?"
After 10 pm the phone had rung so many times about this fucking dance night I changed my traditional phone greeting to this:

"Hello dance night info line."

And I didn't say it a particularly polite way either. I wanted all the chavs phoning to feel more comfortable. I also used such words as "magic" "coolio" and brilliant pal."

So I helped Althea on the ticket desk, I was essentially a bouncer. Which I thought was pretty cool, and as anyone who knows me will attest, I do have a tendency to go mad with power, and I think I did a little bit.
I refused to let anyone in the building without a hand stamp, and I didn't take no shit from anyone!
It was quite cool to be a bouncer, little known fact about me, my granddad was a bouncer until the day he died at the age of 70 something.
Yeah, you don't mess with my family. I certainly don't. I don't even talk to them, that's how fucken scary they are!

So I was hard at work on the door when I realised I had already signed out upstairs, I wasn't getting paid for this. I couldn't be arsed going all the way back upstairs to the restaurant to change my time sheet, so I decided the easiest thing to do was to get paid in beer.
I went back to the bar and helped myself to a bottle of Trade Winds (one of the greatest beers in the world!).
And then 20 minutes later I did the same, and then again, and again, and again. Until I realised I was actually a bit drunk.


Oh yeah, and while I was at the front desk with Althea, I found a hat, with a duck on it!

Regular readers will know that I am a big fan of ducks. This combined with the drunken state that I was in, led me to believe this hat was quite possibly the greatest thing in the universe! It was then I headed up to the second level of the club which I think had somehow become the VIP area, up there was Vinnie the owner with a couple of his mates and a few of the staff. Vinnie said to help myself to the bar, I think when he checks the stock this week he may regret that decision.
Since we were allowed to help ourselves, the shots started flowing, followed by more beer, followed by more shots.
It was then I decided to throw some shapes in the church of dance.
As you know I am a fantastic dancer, and tonight was no exception. I refused to go to the dance floor with the neds, but I did strut my funky stuff by the bar.
I don't mean to brag, but I was ace! I think I could give that flash dance girl a run for her money.


A few people tried to match my supreme dancing skills but they failed miserably.

One of the waitress's even broke out in "The Robot."

Later that night I bumped into my fiancée. Not the first one, the second one.

She pointed out that I was not wearing the engagement ring she gave me a couple of months ago.

I of course apologised and offered her the hat as an engagement gift. She seemed quite chuffed with the deal.

It was then the subject of our wedding came up, she suggested we get married at a festival, I am attending T in the Park this year, she is not. She suggested we get married at Rock Ness. I thought this was an AWESOME idea, and high fived her accordingly. (Just so you know "high fived her" is not a euphemism, I really only high fived her).

Sadly I already have plans on the same weekend of Rock Ness. So I guess my wedding will have to wait.

There is a silver lining to this.

It was a pretty decent night over all. I did essentially RAPE the bar. Which is always nice.
The only downside is someone STOLE The Duck Hat! Who would do such a thing! It was last seen on the head of this man.

A reward will be offered for the safe return of the duck hat!

Finally here's one of my trademark shitty poems to summarise this whole blog entry.

Finally got some work,
to earn some cash.
I'm an irresponsible jerk,
I went out on the lash!
I went to the club,
Instead of the pub.
While all the neds were ravin,
It was a beer I was cravin.
I found a cool hat,
and I danced like a twat!
On the hat was a duck,
but I didn't give a fuck!
I worked on the door,
And I drank until 4!
and then I went home when I couldn't take anymore.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe I will teach you how to dance almost as good as me

Monday, 25 January 2010

Production Diary Entry 2: The Storyboard


Hows it goin?

For anyone who gives a shit, here's the latest info on my film.
The script has been finalised, with a little thanks to my latest purchase.

I went to Vincents last sunday to take pictures for the storyboard.

If you can't see the video then stop reading this crap on facebook and click here

Now all I need is a proper cast.

I would like to give a massive thank you to Aders, Stevo, Mark  and Jonny for giving up a sunday afternoon.
It is very much appreciated,
You guys are awesome!

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then maybe one day YOU will get to star in one of my movies.

P.S. This is not Mark and Jonny's first time in front of the camera,

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Show some respect

Hows it goin?

A couple of days ago, as I was walking to school, I noticed something, something which just seemed wrong to me!
As regular readers will know, I lost a friend recently.
If you didn't know that, or haven't read the post where my friend died, then you really should, you really need to read that post in order to understand this one. So Click here.

Now, I'm assuming you have went back and read the post, if not then just DO IT!!!

Ok, now we are all up to speed. As I was walking to school the other day, I saw what remains of my recently deceased friend. I was flooded with memories, oh what wonderful memories, and then I noticed something new, there was a white piece of A4 paper on the door.
I was confused, had my friend come back to life, was this a message from beyond the grave? Perhaps the last will and testament where all the remaining alcohol is bequeathed to me?


It wasn't.

I'll be honest with you, what I saw angered me.

What the hell was happening?

Doesn't anyone have any respect for the recently deceased??

They are using the death of a great wine shop to promote there own selfish needs!

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
Subscription to The Blog Of Andy G is the one thing missing from your life.*

*Unless you recently lost a limb or something

Friday, 22 January 2010

Paul Jarvis the chef

His name is Paul,
and tonight he's a cook.
He gave it his all,
and gave the camera a look.
He's workin a burns night,
down in the club.
I don't do that shite,
I'm off to the pub!

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Not got much to say

Hows it goin?

I can't be arsed blogging about anything in particular today. I'm kind of busy, I'm trying to make a film you know. Plus I've got a couple of other projects I'm working on at the moment, so I'm spread a little thin.
I'm putting together the storyboard for the film just now, so just in case anyone actually gives a shit, I'll post a production diary entry about that soon.
Here's a little teaser, as I mentioned on facebook and twitter the other day, some of the women I was forced to use for this story board were FUCK UGLY.

I assure I will be getting much better looking girls for the actual film

But I know, dear reader, that you depend on this little blog to fill some empty hole in your life.
(I really hope that last sentence is not true, for your own sake)
So to keep you amused, why not check out some of the much better blogs listed on the right. These blogs are all very good and they are all written by people with much better writing talent than me.

Speaking of writing talent. It has been pointed out to me recently that my grammar throughout this blog and in general, is atrocious.
There are a two main reasons for this,
  1. I don't proof read any of this crap. I just type it and push "Publish post."
  2. I am a bit thick.
So stop bloody moaning.

You can understand it all can't you!!!

And if you can't then your a fucken MONG!

(Unless you actually are illiterate, in which case I apologise.)

Anyway if your bored why not have a read of some of the far superior blogs listed under the heading "other blogs I like" on the right hand side of the blog page.
If your reading this crap on facebook then you can't see any of the links I am talking about. STOP reading this crap on facebook and click here .

I quite like this one
and don't forget about this one.

I realised the other day I haven't written one of my crappy poems in ages. Some of you may think thats a good thing. If that is the case then please do not read the next 12 lines of text.

I don't have much to say,
I've got lots to do today.
I'm making a movie,
and it's gonna be groovy!
Well it'll be alright,
but you might think it's shite!
Well Im sorry your wrong,
and it won't be too long,
till I punch you in the face,
cos my movie will be ACE!

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you subscribe then you never know what might happen
(probably nothing exciting, but you never know)


Monday, 18 January 2010

Dear Steve Coogan (A.K.A envelope 9 of 50)

Hows it goin?
Here's the latest letter in my 50 envelope challenge. For those of you who read 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G, you may have noticed number 71: Andy G is an inspiration to Steve Coogan.
Well it's true, and here is the proof.........
Dear Steve Coogan
Good Day, how are you? I hope all is good with you. You may remember me, we spoke once briefly in New York. That is actually the point in my writing to you. If you recall, you appeared at the Apple Store in Soho New York, in mid 2008 to promote your new film Hamlet 2.(It was very good by the way). I enjoyed the evening and listening to your thoughts on the various issues raised.
It was I that asked if we will ever see an Alan Partridge Movie. I feel you may have taken offence at this.
You mentioned that you don’t want to get pigeon holed into a role such as that and that you are capable of doing other things.
Hell yeah you can.
I think you’re awesome!
During your response to my question you mentioned your tour. I was lucky enough to see you when you visited Glasgow in December 2008. I really enjoyed the show, and I recently bought the DVD. I noticed that the entire second half of the show was Alan Partridge. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that. It was brilliant.
The thing is, when you were talking at the Apple shop in New York, you mentioned during the tour you were going to throw in an “Alan Partridge bone.”
I believe that after I asked my question about Partridge you realised just how good a character he is and how much he should be in your tour.
You could say that it was ME who inspired the entire second half of the show.
I don’t want to take any of the credit away from your good self. You are in many ways a comedy genius and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future. I would just like you to admit, that I, in some small way, inspired the second half of the show.
I would be most grateful if you could write back to me with an acknowledgement as I have told most of my friends that this is the case. They so far have refused to believe me but I believe a letter from you would go a long way to proving me right. If you want to make a personal appearance even better. I would happily buy you a pint or two. You can even crash on my couch if you want.
Look forward to hearing from you
Kind Regards
Andy G

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do not subscribe then I will make you smell my cheese

If you can't see the video I posted above then stop reading all this crap on facebook and click here.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Why I am famous in Quebec


Hows it goin?

For those of you who were bored enough to read my post about 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G. I thought that over the next ear I will expand on some of the points I mentioned. Today I thought I would tell you about number 96 : Andy G is famous in Quebec.

It was many moons ago when I visited Quebec. I was a younger man, with more hair and less chins.

I was working away on the floating caravan that is the QE2, The Canadian cruise was a bit of a bugger, it took AGES! And it was kinda dull at times. I was working in the Queens Grill at the time, I was working a lot for mainly pain the arse customers who I had for weeks at a time. The Canadian Cruise from what I can remember was approx 3 weeks long. We departed from New York and headed up to Nova Scotia. Nova scotia was kind of a mixed bag, most places we visited were small towns as opposed to larger cities. We had an over night stop in a place called St Johns. Everyone who works on a cruise ship loves over nights, if your lucky some of your passengers might not come in for dinner, and all the crew goes out on the razz ma tazz. When out in St john we didn’t discover that much to do. Just some local pubs who seemed to be quite excited by the prospect of serving newcomers. I don’t remember much from that night. I know we all drank a lot, and I know Adam & I stole a sign from a pub on the way back to the ship. Not a small sign, this thing was about 15 foot. I’m not sure why we stole it but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Several days later we made our way to Quebec. Have you ever been to Quebec? Its weird.

Everybody speaks French. What the fuck is that about??

And they don’t know anything about late night food.

After our first night out I stumbled into what I thought was a kebab shop. I asked for a kebab, he mumbled something in French. I asked for a burger, he again said something in French. I tried to recall my French from school, I then told him my name, my parents address and that Aberdeen was a very large, industrial and historical town in the north east of Scotland, as that was all I could remember. This did not help me get food. 10 minutes later I walked out of this establishment with a can of diet coke and a Baked Potato.


What the hell??? These people have a lot to learn about late night food.

Everyone was excited to be in Quebec, it was a major city and we were there for 2 nights.

A double Over night! Brilliant! 2 nights out in a new city.

We had a great night out planned. After dinner service on board, everyone got together and headed out. Even the shoppies came out to play with us.

Being a Scotsman abroad I of course wore the kilt. It would be a crime not too.

However I must admit something to you.

Something I am quite ashamed of.

I did NOT go true Scotsman

I wore my boxer shorts.

Please try and understand, it was freezing, and I don’t mean just cold, it was literally freezing. We all headed out and hit a few pubs, I again had several arguments with French speaking barmen and they also got the same speech I gave to the baked potato selling bastard. It was the only French I could remember.

Most of the crew were heading to a place called club hell. It was apparently the best place in town. It was also the most difficult to find. I kept looking for a road paved with good intentions but had no luck.

Eventually we asked a couple of locals where to go and they were nice enough to take us there.

The club was actually pretty nice (from what I remember) There were loads of crew there and our group did the sensible thing and headed straight to the bar.

Several drinks later I found myself on the second level of this club, it had a balcony which overlooked the dance floor. We were having a few drinks and chillin out. When I noticed a few people on the bottom level looking up at me. I didn’t recognise them but they seemed to know me. I thought maybe it was just about the Kilt, but they kept staring.

Then I realised.

I was standing on a glass floor.

Everyone could see right up my kilt.

They noticed my reaction and broke out in a roar of laughter.

Then the chanting started,

“Off , off, off!”

They obviously saw I was wearing boxer shorts and deemed this to be wrong.

And they were right.

I would like to add at this point in the evening I was quite drunk.

They kept chanting, and I realised they were right.

I shouldn’t be wearing boxer shorts. I am fucking Scottish. I am an ambassador for my country and I must do my country proud. By this point there was about a hundred people looking up at me (seriously) so I thought,

“Fuck it!”

I took my boxers off right there, twirled them round my head and through them into the crowd. And they went wild!!!!

One lucky crew member got a souvenir of the evening.

It was at this point I got caught up in the moment, everyone was cheering and looking up at me and I got a bit carried away.

I lifted up the kilt and flashed them.

I flashed the entire club, there must have been at least 250 people there and every one of them looked up and saw me lifting up the kilt.

They all loved it. The crowd went nuts!!! (no pun intended)

It's amazing I didn’t get thrown out, I wasn’t exactly hard to find.

The next day I awoke very, very hungover. I amazingly managed to get showered and dressed and made it up to the restaurant to serve breakfast in time. But that morning something odd happened. As I walked through the bowels of the ship on my way to the restaurant, I got a lot of smirks and smiles and people pointing at me. One guy came up to me and shook my hand. Everyone knew about my activites last night. A hell of a lot of people I didn’t even know came up to me throughout the day and said they had heard about me. The rumour mill did its thing and by mid afternoon most people were under the impression I had streaked through all of Quebec.

I was lucky enough that day to have watch off. (This meant I didn’t have to work lunch). I finished my breakfast shift and headed to the cabin for a power nap. I awoke and decided to head into the city for a wander, this usually helps me when I'm really hungover. As I was walking through the city center, my head pounding, my stomach on the spin cycle, I stopped in a shop to pick up some pain killers. As I walked out I accidently bumped into two girls who were coming into the shop, I apologised and walked off, but as I was walking away I heard one of them say,

“That was the kilt guy!”

So if you ever find yourself in Quebec, ask someone about “The Kilt Guy” and see what story they tell you.

It's not my fault

I blame Canada!

If you can't see the video I posted above then its your own damn fault!!! how many times have I told you??? Stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I might let you see what's up my kilt


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