Thursday, 28 January 2010

I have discovered my latent superhero power

Hows it goin?

Right, first things first!

Thanks for reading the ramblings that a very bored and slightly drunk Andy G writes on a regular basis. But, if you are currently reading this on facebook, just CLICK HERE. This link will take you to the actual blog page, where the layout is much better, plus I have put a video on this particular post and facebook can't handle that shit!

Have you clicked it yet?

You fucken better of!!!

Sorry I've had some wine. (by some I mean a bottle)
(by a bottle I mean a bottle and a half, the other half went into the pasta I had for dinner)

Anyone who is bored enough to read my twitter or my facebook status may have noticed this the other day

This run was inspired by an event which transpired a couple of weeks ago.
I awoke from my afternoon nap, and I had to get ready for work.  I grabbed a pair of clean trousers but something was wrong, something was very wrong.
They no longer fit me.
I was very concerned.
It appeared I was a victim of a crime!
Someone broke into my house, stole my trousers and replaced them with a smaller pair.
And the worst thing was it wasn't just that pair, they stole 3 pairs of my work trousers and replaced them with another pair which were identical in almost every way, except the waist line.

I was outraged!!!

How could someone do this?

Why would someone do this?

I went over it again and again in my mind, it was the only logical explanation, someone must have broken into my flat, and replaced all my work trousers with smaller sizes. 

This was either the work of a very odd trouser thief or an elaborate practical joke.

Then, something happened.

The truth was revealed to me.

I had not been robbed, which in retrospect I wish I had.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For a minute I thought I was pregnant!

Altho then I realised the chances of that are slim, I haven't had any for ages!

Fuck me I am a fat bastard these days aren't I?

Now I know why that girl was sick in my flat a few weeks ago!
(You know who you are!!)
(And to be honest so do a few other people.)

So, as of two weeks ago I made a decision to try and change my ways. And I did, I ate less, I walked to school more often, (except when I overslept) and I drank less (not counting Saturday). And then in the first decent nice day for months I decided to go for a run, well I say a run, more of a jog, a slow jog. 
I can't afford the gym so I am trying the cheap way of getting fit. For a while when I lived in Edinburgh I had a semi decent exercise routine going. I am going to try and implement this again.
I put on my trainers which haven't been worn in about 3 months, left the flat, and started running in a random direction. I ran for about 15 minutes straight and then walked back from where ever the hell I was.
I was knackered at night but still on a bit of a Red Bull high so I still managed to get a lot done.
The next day, as I was walking to school, I noticed something. 
Something I was quite chuffed with.

My jeans felt a little less tight.


I couldn't believe my luck!

I hadn't been doing much exercise, I only changed a couple of small things in my daily routine and went for ONE (not very long) run and I was already losing weight!


Honestly, I walked down that road and felt like a king.

I even treated myself to a sausage sandwich for breakfast as a reward for losing weight!

That morning at school I had to give a presentation about a job I wanted in the media industry.
The majority of the class did a talk on being a director. I did mine on being a writer, I really enjoy writing, and even though I am not particularly talented and my grammar is atrocious and I can never remember if it is there or their, (Happy now Aders???) it's what I hope to do one day.  Sadly I think that may just be yet another dream that goes unfulfilled, like my dream of meeting Jet from Gladiators.

It's alright tho, in the quite likely event that my dream of becoming a writer/producer doesn't happen, I have a back up plan.

RS Mccolls.

I can get cheap Red Bull and get to read all the magazines for free!

Not too shabby eh?

Anyway, as I was saying, my presentation was on writers. I wanted to have a witty and interesting title for my presentation.

In the end I came up with this.

Which stands for, 

Sadly this was a great exaggeration on my part, hence the reason I decided to change the title, in the middle of doing the presentaion to this.

As I said earlier on this particular morning I was felling pretty good, I just had a sausage sandwich and a Red Bull for breakfast, Just did an alright presentation. Now I was honest with myself, it wasn't an awesome presentation, but it was worthy of a pass. I hope. But that didn't really matter, I had lost some weight, with not a lot of effort, maybe I have some kind of super power? 
Maybe I have the ability to control my body mass through the power of my mind!!
I sat down on my chair and waited for my classmate to go up and do yet another talk on being a director. I leaned back on my chair day dreaming about what my superhero name would be.

Maybe, Weight loss man?

Maybe I could get a sponsorship deal from weight watchers.

I could certainly do with the money.

Altho I don't want to hang out with fat people.

Most of them are mingers! 

If any particularly fat people are reading this, please do not take any offense, I'm just being honest, take a look in the mirror, seriously. It's not pretty. Maybe next time you go to an all you can eat buffet, don't treat it as a challenge?

I can't say much myself, I am a fat bastard too. But, I have a newly discovered super power where I can alter my body mass at will!

Anyway, as I was saying, I was leaning back in my chair day dreaming about my new super hero name, when Cat, who was sitting opposite me, I have talked about her before, she drew this picture of me.

Personally I don't see the resemblance but she seemed very happy with it.
Anyway, as I was leaning back on my chair Cat looked over and had a strange expression on her face.

I then discovered why my jeans were feeling a bit less tight.

I had not lost any weight. 

I did not have any secret super powers.

I had forgotten to do up the top two buttons on my jeans.


Oh well never mind.

I would now like to apologise to all the fat people who have read this. 

I feel your pain.

I know what its like, I grew up with a fat sister.

If I have caused any offence to any fat people reading I do offer my genuine apologies and I hope you did not take anything I have said personally.

I would be happy to take you out for a salad sometime.
(Obviously this offer does not count if you are an actual minger, or my sister. I guess those two are one in the same aren't they?)

In other news I read earlier today that Apple have released the new Ipad. Not sure about this new device. It looks to me like a giant  iphone without the phone. Not sure If I will be buying one especially after watching this advert.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

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