I have discovered my latent superhero power

Hi

Hows it goin?

Right, first things first!

Thanks for reading the ramblings that a very bored and slightly drunk Andy G writes on a regular basis. But, if you are currently reading this on facebook, just CLICK HERE. This link will take you to the actual blog page, where the layout is much better, plus I have put a video on this particular post and facebook can't handle that shit!

Have you clicked it yet?

You fucken better of!!!

Sorry I've had some wine. (by some I mean a bottle)

(by a bottle I mean a bottle and a half, the other half went into the pasta I had for dinner)

Anyone who is bored enough to read my twitter or my facebook status may have noticed this the other day

This run was inspired by an event which transpired a couple of weeks ago.

I awoke from my afternoon nap, and I had to get ready for work.  I grabbed a pair of clean trousers but something was wrong, something was very wrong.

They no longer fit me.

I was very concerned.

It appeared I was a victim of a crime!

Someone broke into my house, stole my trousers and replaced them with a smaller pair.

And the worst thing was it wasn't just that pair, they stole 3 pairs of my work trousers and replaced them with another pair which were identical in almost every way, except the waist line.

I was outraged!!!

How could someone do this?

Why would someone do this?

I went over it again and again in my mind, it was the only logical explanation, someone must have broken into my flat, and replaced all my work trousers with smaller sizes. 

This was either the work of a very odd trouser thief or an elaborate practical joke.

Then, something happened.

The truth was revealed to me.

I had not been robbed, which in retrospect I wish I had.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For a minute I thought I was pregnant!

Altho then I realised the chances of that are slim, I haven't had any for ages!

Fuck me I am a fat bastard these days aren't I?

Now I know why that girl was sick in my flat a few weeks ago!

(You know who you are!!)

(And to be honest so do a few other people.)

So, as of two weeks ago I made a decision to try and change my ways. And I did, I ate less, I walked to school more often, (except when I overslept) and I drank less (not counting Saturday). And then in the first decent nice day for months I decided to go for a run, well I say a run, more of a jog, a slow jog. 

I can't afford the gym so I am trying the cheap way of getting fit. For a while when I lived in Edinburgh I had a semi decent exercise routine going. I am going to try and implement this again.

I put on my trainers which haven't been worn in about 3 months, left the flat, and started running in a random direction. I ran for about 15 minutes straight and then walked back from where ever the hell I was.

I was knackered at night but still on a bit of a Red Bull high so I still managed to get a lot done.

The next day, as I was walking to school, I noticed something. 

Something I was quite chuffed with.

My jeans felt a little less tight.

Honestly.

I couldn't believe my luck!

I hadn't been doing much exercise, I only changed a couple of small things in my daily routine and went for ONE (not very long) run and I was already losing weight!

I AM THE MAN!!!

Honestly, I walked down that road and felt like a king.

I even treated myself to a sausage sandwich for breakfast as a reward for losing weight!

That morning at school I had to give a presentation about a job I wanted in the media industry.

The majority of the class did a talk on being a director. I did mine on being a writer, I really enjoy writing, and even though I am not particularly talented and my grammar is atrocious and I can never remember if it is there or their, (Happy now Aders???) it's what I hope to do one day.  Sadly I think that may just be yet another dream that goes unfulfilled, like my dream of meeting Jet from Gladiators.

It's alright tho, in the quite likely event that my dream of becoming a writer/producer doesn't happen, I have a back up plan.

RS Mccolls.

I can get cheap Red Bull and get to read all the magazines for free!

Not too shabby eh?

Anyway, as I was saying, my presentation was on writers. I wanted to have a witty and interesting title for my presentation.

In the end I came up with this.

Which stands for, 

Sadly this was a great exaggeration on my part, hence the reason I decided to change the title, in the middle of doing the presentaion to this.

As I said earlier on this particular morning I was felling pretty good, I just had a sausage sandwich and a Red Bull for breakfast, Just did an alright presentation. Now I was honest with myself, it wasn't an awesome presentation, but it was worthy of a pass. I hope. But that didn't really matter, I had lost some weight, with not a lot of effort, maybe I have some kind of super power? 

Maybe I have the ability to control my body mass through the power of my mind!!

Awesome!

I sat down on my chair and waited for my classmate to go up and do yet another talk on being a director. I leaned back on my chair day dreaming about what my superhero name would be.

Maybe, Weight loss man?

Maybe I could get a sponsorship deal from weight watchers.

I could certainly do with the money.

Altho I don't want to hang out with fat people.

Most of them are mingers! 

If any particularly fat people are reading this, please do not take any offense, I'm just being honest, take a look in the mirror, seriously. It's not pretty. Maybe next time you go to an all you can eat buffet, don't treat it as a challenge?

I can't say much myself, I am a fat bastard too. But, I have a newly discovered super power where I can alter my body mass at will!

Anyway, as I was saying, I was leaning back in my chair day dreaming about my new super hero name, when Cat, who was sitting opposite me, I have talked about her before, she drew this picture of me.

Personally I don't see the resemblance but she seemed very happy with it.

Anyway, as I was leaning back on my chair Cat looked over and had a strange expression on her face.

I then discovered why my jeans were feeling a bit less tight.

I had not lost any weight. 

I did not have any secret super powers.

I had forgotten to do up the top two buttons on my jeans.

SHIT!

Oh well never mind.

I would now like to apologise to all the fat people who have read this. 

I feel your pain.

I know what its like, I grew up with a fat sister.

If I have caused any offence to any fat people reading I do offer my genuine apologies and I hope you did not take anything I have said personally.

I would be happy to take you out for a salad sometime.

(Obviously this offer does not count if you are an actual minger, or my sister. I guess those two are one in the same aren't they?)

In other news I read earlier today that Apple have released the new Ipad. Not sure about this new device. It looks to me like a giant  iphone without the phone. Not sure If I will be buying one especially after watching this advert.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

Do you know that every time someone subscribes to The Blog Of Andy G a kitten is saved from extermination.

The Place to be seen.....

Alright?

How was your weekend? Did u drink too much again? You have a bit of a problem.

I have discovered that a lot more people than I realised have been reading this blog. Bloody hell you guys must be really fucken bored! Anyway to protect people’s privacy I will occasionally change the name of the people I am referencing. If you have a preference for your pseudonym then please let me know.

So I’m just back from my trip to the deen. It was ace, after a surprisingly pleasant bus journey ( I got a double decker, also known as the stretch limo of the bus world)

First act of business was to check out my new flat, its about 20 minutes from city centre, im not going to give you the exact address because you might be a crazy stalker who wants to come round, peel off my skin and wear it to your birthday. Here’s my new front door, and thats all the info you will get out of me!

The flat is one of several hundred owned by the real estate queen of Aberdeen, Deardrie. (also known as the crazy flower lady in the restaurant) it’s small but it’ll do. The Kitchen is quite small but that’s not a problem because I’m not much of a chef. The problem is I don’t know where im going to put all my dvd’s!! I do not like throwing out anything and im not sure how im gonna fit all my stuff into this flat.

I’m moving all my stuff in, in a couple of weeks, anyone who is free on Sunday august 9^th if you give me a hand you will be rewarded with Beer and the finest take away pizza domino’s has to offer.

Then went to my parents house, I am sure it is shrinking. I haven’t lived there in several years but I remember it being bigger. Went for a run, my dad asked if I was running to the chipper, he does not read the blog so in his mind this was a very original joke,(just not very funny) My Mum made steak pie which was awesome and then I headed into town. My folk’s house is miles away from town but luckily my mum was heading to church (by church I mean bingo, she goes a lot, she has a problem)

I got dropped off at my mates house where we started the night, the way EVERY Saturday night should start, with beer and Doctor Who. My friend is a part time geek, he’s not quite at my level but give him time. We were planning on heading to town as soon as doctor who finished but we both still had half a beer to finish, this led to watching Top Gear and having another beer. Fearing our friends would be angrily waiting for us we left half way thru top gear and headed to the pub. We were around 45 minutes late and we were still the first there. I was quite annoyed, we could have finished watching Top Gear! We started in the old hogs head. It hasn’t been called the hogs head in about 10 years but we still call it that. There were beers galore and the banter was flowing, after a few beers we decided to head to the club where our friend is general manager, it was his birthday and felt we should join him for a birthday drink. He was working so we had the drink for him. It was here I bumped into an old friend of mine. I had not seen her in a couple of years and she seemed to want to escape some bloke who was chatting her up. We went out side for a cigarette, I suddenly remembered I don’t smoke so just tried to blend in with the smokers and look cool. The banter was in full swing and she mentioned she had been reading the blog. She even suggested a new name (something no one else has, bastards) It was quite good, I promised her If I use it I’d buy her a drink. We wandered off together and the next morning I woke up in Portlethen. (a tiny village about 10 miles away). After parting ways with my lady friend I realised I had no idea how to get back to Aberdeen. I asked a woman at the bus stop what time the next bus was and she looked terrified. This may be because there was a strange bearded man smelling of beer talking to her. They don’t like city boys out there!

I eventually got back to my folks house around 1 ish, my dad was good enough to cook me a bacon sandwich, I ate half of it, vomited a bit, then finished the sandwich. I started thinking about all this exercise im doing. There’s no need, ill just vomit after a meal, its genius. I wonder if there’s a name for this diet? After finishing my sandwich I had a well earned nap, unfortunately I slept a bit later than I meant to and missed my dinner reservation with Althea and Ivano. Never mind.

Had some pasta then headed into town to meet up with the restaurant staff. I was still hungover from the night before so I started slowly, with a diet coke and then a red bull before I mustered up the courage to order a beer. Lately I can’t seem to handle my drink, I only had a few beers on sat night with the guys but I was quite drunk. I blame this on lack of sleep and not my lack of drinking ability. Anyway once one of the owners turned up I was not allowed to be such a wimp. She is a tough negotiator and managed to get a decent deal out of the manager for cheap cocktails. We were in revolution which I have not liked in the past, the food and service is almost always shit but the location is good. I was quite impressed with this button.

Althea was disappointed to discover it was for the outside heaters and not a marital aid.

So it was cocktail after cocktail and Althea was getting drunker and drunker. It was great to see some of the old staff again. Joyce was there and seemed chuffed about her reference. And Fingers, one of the barman came along, a few weeks ago there was talk of us moving in together but I have decided I want to live on my own. I can’t be arsed living with people any more, I don’t want to wait for the shower in the morning, I don’t want to clean up someone else’s mess in the kitchen so I can cook my dinner. Plus I am a miserable git so I don’t think I’d be very pleaseant to live with, and I want to run around my house naked.

The night started off slow but eventually a lot of people turned up including one girl who I think was called vagina!

After revolution we all moved to Enigma, some of the staff were already there because they said they couldn’t afford to drink in revolution. I didn’t notice the difference in price but I did notice the difference in music, It was awesome. It appeared to be 80’s night in enigma and I was loving it, among my favourites played were “you can call me Al” and “we didn’t start the fire” by billy joel. I was loving it. A few people couldn’t hack the pace and went home to bed where the rest of us took the party to espionage. It was £2.5 for a cocktail before midnight, we go there around 11:30 and it was dead. It still took about 15 minutes to get a bloody drink. I think this may have been a cunning plan in order to sell us one cheap cocktail and by the time we’ve finished it they are more expensive. Clever. Either that or the bar maid was shit!

it was empty but that didn't stop Althea from wanting to dance

One of the waitress's was impressed with the female budda

After a while the club started to get semi busy so there was a bit of an atmosphere, I had a bit of a boogie and then noticed some kind of disturbance with my drinking buddies at the bar. I mosied on over to investigate and here’s what I gather happened. One of the restaurant staff turned up and demanded the manager who was out with us, go to the restaurant and get her wages. What a bitch! It’s 1 am on a Sunday night, there is no one in the restaurant and she knows that. She could have picked them up yesterday or probably even earlier that day or even the next day, but she demanded that someone go and get them.

Now I admit I had a couple of beers in me by this point and it is very possible I got the wrong end of the stick and this is all just a big mix up. But I don’t think so. I am going to return to work at the restaurant soon and I sincerely hope this girl will be fired before then. The two managers who were out with us went back to the restaurant and this clearly upset some people. So a direct message to this girl!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

It’s a fucken night out and you come along and demand your wages, fuck off!

Now as I said there is a chance I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick and if so, ermmm sorry for calling you a bitch, I’m sure you’re a lovely person really, and I look forward to working with you in the restaurant and dancing the night away with you at the next staff night out.

I left around 1ish and headed to my favourite late night restaurant,

I like it because it does exactly what it says on the tin. Also I once got a pizza here in less than 30 seconds. The next day I realised that I may have taken someone else’s pizza but I was happy.

So monday morning arrived and I packed my bag and made my way to town, before I left I had arranged a meeting with the owner of the restaurant (Vinnie) to discuss my upcoming triumphant (part time) return to work. It was pouring rain and the thunder was deafening, it was like something out of a movie. I feared this was sign,something terrible was going to happen. Maybe Vinnie won’t let me work there, maybe he hates me, maybe he’s gonna pretend to have the meeting then kill me and harvest my organs, maybe he’s reading this blog and now thinks im a mental!! As the thunder roared in the sky above I saw vinnie approach from a distance, he apologised for being late and we went in. Luckily he did not harvest my organs (they can’t be worth that much, especially the liver) and the meeting went very well, he’s gonna pay me very well and work around college hours, I made a point in saying that college comes first but ill help out as much as I can. He’s going to send me on the personal licence course also. This means more responsibility than I would like but it also means a fun day out learning about drinking!!

So there we have it. My trip to the deen, in a rather boring blog entry .

So that was my trip up to Aberdeen

It really is the place to be seen

I had lots of beer on Saturday

I woke up with a girl, in a town far away.

On Sunday I decided to take it easy

Not drinking as much, not being so sleazy.

I woke up the next day, I was feeling fine

I woke up in the bed, that used to be mine.

That’s all for now, I’ve got to go.

Ill se you all soon, that’s fo sho!!

Sorry that poem is a bit shit ( and yes I do know that most of them are shit but that last line is awful)

Until next time

Have a nice

Andy G

to subscribe to this blog and get all the crap I write delivered straight to your Inbox click here or go to

http://theblogofandyg.blogspot.com

a pet shop and cafe combined

Out for a run today and found this shop.

I like the name of this place. sadly they did not sell either

Good Morning

Good Morning

I haven't written anything for a few days so thought i better say hello.

its been a busy week since Marks wedding. I was recovering for several days afterwards. I left my blond wig at my parents house. Maybe my Dad will use it. I've been busy at working serving tapas I've started a fitness regime, Michael Jackson died and it was my birthday.

First of all may i take this opportunity to thank everyone for there birthday wish's. Sorry i didn't reply to any to you personally but i'm really shit at getting back to people.

And now at the old age of 27 i've decided to start exercising. it all started a couple of weeks ago. I was getting very stressed and frustrated with a project and just wanted to get out of the house to clear my head. so I did something I have never ever done before. put on my trainers and went for a run. a proper run, for no reason and contrary to popular belief I was not running to make last orders at the pub or because there was a sale on at macdonalds. to quote Forest Gump "I just felt like runnin" i didn't make it as far as he did but i did go from my flat down to ocean terminal, which is 2 miles away. im not sure how i ended up there as i thought i was headin in another direction but thats where destiny conspired to take me. once i realised where i was i was annoyed when it started to rain. i thought "fuck it thats enough for today. luckily i had a tenner in my pocket, so I bought a bottle of water and a bounty bar and caught the bus home.

I've been out for a run twice since then, and no i have not got the bus again. now you may mock me for getting the bus home, but in my defense, it was raining and that is the most exercise i've done since......... well ever. the fitness thing was also partly inspired by Marks wedding. I was of course wearing the kilt to mark the day, and it was a bit tight. My kilt was a 21st birthday present making it 6 years old and it was a bit tighter than I remember. I have another wedding in early september and I suspect I will be the only kilted man there so I have to be looking good. No one is gonna wanna shag a fat man in a kilt, but once I've lost a few pounds and the ladies see me on the dance floor they will be queueing up for a taste of the Andy love!

As well as the running I also splashed out on a wii fit. I know this is not the most exact thing in the world but its cheaper than going to the gym. I'm working my way through all the exercises although I think its schizophrenic. One minute its saying I am a couch potato and next its saying I'm a muscle legend. Its weird because I am struggling to do one proper push up.

so Michael jackson is dead. I found out via text, all it said was "incredible news. its the day music died" i thought he was talking about this

I immediately checked online to see if it was true and sadly it was. it was on the internet so it had to be true. twitter was filled with tweets bidding jacko farewell. I follow around 15o people on twitter and almost all of them were saying rip jacko or quoting lines from one of his songs or some bollocks. At the end of the day im sorry he's dead. its sad when anyone dies. but has everyone forgot he was a kiddie fiddler??? someone told me recently that you should not speak ill of the dead. but thats bollocks. If someone is a cunt and then dies, why should my opinion of that person change, they were still a cunt, just now they are a dead cunt, which doesn't bother me. Hitler is dead, should we show proper respect and not say bad things about him? should we not make fun of his charlie chaplin moustache and the fact he only had one testicle?

Now don't get me wrong, im not comparin jacko to hitler, im just saying remember the facts. He was the king of pop and rightly so. He was an awesome musician but he was also very very fucked up. he looked like a toy. he was a very very strange man. That being said i would have loved to of seen him live. I still dance badly to thriller whenever i hear it.

So my birthday came and went, im now another year older but i don't feel any wiser. I share my birthday with a couple of friends, Martin, Aders and Jeanine. I wonder if they feel any wiser today? i doubt it, Jeanine is probably hungover from drinking too many cocktails on fire island and Aders is already far wiser than any man i know, just in his own unique way. My birthday celebrations started on saturday night after work. After cashing up the staff sang happy birthday to me which came as a surprise as i thought they had all left. they got me a cheesecake and wrote "happy birthday G.L.M" in caramel sauce. (G.L.M. stands for Good Looking Manager, i didn't come up with it, honest) After a glass of vino i was well behaved and headed home( this is mainly because i was skint). had a productive day on the sunday i did my wii fit workout, my wii fit age has went down by 9 years in the space of a day, i feel like a time traveller. treated myself to a new pair of shoes and then realised i still hadn't sent my mum a birthday card. it was her birthday 3 weeks ago. I always find it difficult to buy presents for parents. I never know what they would like. I got them vouchers for my old work for christmas as it was quick and easy. there should be some kind of shop for parents. Just head in there and they have everything that your parent might possibly want. After at least 20 minutes of searching the shops i gave up and bought her some marks and spencers vouchers. I wrote a poem in her card to apoloise for the card being late tho

Happy birthday Mum, sorry its late

how was your day? im sure it was great!

here's your present, sorry it's shit

from your "other child," the one who's a git!

I trust she'll enjoy that. so back to my birthday. After a power nap, the drinking team( Adam Jon and myself) headed into our nations capital for cocktails and dancing. the first few bars we went to were a bit crap, we ended up in element on rose street, its quite a cool wee bar and bumped into a couple of people from work. There we drank lots. Adam disappeared at one point. We were deeply concerned, then my phone beeped and i saw this picture.

Mystery solved.

more drinks followed then we headed to espionage to rock out!

I quite like the second level of espionage (the indie rock level) they usually play decent tunes and the drink is not too expensive compared to some other edinburgh Bars. At this point it became obvious that adam was more drunk than Jon and I put together. A fact he proved by dancing like a nutter while i held the drinks. I think this is the first time this has ever happened.

I left the club just after half 2 as i was knackered, Adam stayed on to dance the night away. I was gutted that cafe picantes(the local kebab shop) was closed i went home and attempted to cook but then remembered i cant. I put a couple of pasties in the oven but forgot to set the timer, i woke up nearly 2 hours later and ate half of a very burnt chicken and mushroom pasty. it was minging!

so that was my birthday Im off on tuesday and i might go to the zoo, I've lived in edinburgh for 8 months now and i still haven't gone to the zoo. thats just wrong. I wonder how much it is to buy a monkey? So now im 27, that seems an odd age to be, i suppose now im technically in my late twenties. and in 2 months im goin back to college and probably be in a class filled with 17 and 18 year old little shits who think they are ace cos they aren't at school. O dear what have i let myself in for.

well thats all from me for now. thanks again for all the birthday wishes. hope all is cool with you wherever you happen to be in the world.

this blog was written whilst listening to the sounds of chameleon circuit, which is without a doubt the geekiest thing i have ever done, but the tunes are good. check them out at http://www.myspace.com/chameleoncircuitmusic

until next time

be cool

Cya

Andy G

p.s. if anyone actually does read the crap that i'm writing you can subscribe through this website.

http://theblogofandyg.blogspot.com/