Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Star Wars: The Italian Menace


How's it goin?
So Ivano has now watched,

Now it's time to move onto the vastly inferior prequel trilogy.

I decided to educate Ivano in Star Wars by exposing him to the films in the order they were released as opposed to the way they are numbered. I believe this is the best way to experience Star Wars. I see the prequel Trilogy as just that, a prequel, not the first part of a series. The beauty of the prequel trilogy is you know where it's going, you always know that Annakin is going to become Darth Vadar.

If you watch the original trilogy first you get to see one of the biggest twists in movie history, that Darth Vadar is Lukes father. That's a shock and it's one worth experiencing. If you watch the films in order they were numbered, it obviously ruins the empire strikes back. Well not ruins it, but spoils it a little.

Anyway here we go with The Phantom Menace.

As per usual here is a short intro video from Ivano about his expectations.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

So the film starts, and the text appears on the screen just as it does every other film, the first thing Ivano says is,

"What does it mean?"
"What does what mean?" I reply.
"Menace? Like a threesome?" He asks.
"What?" I ask him.
"You know, ménace a trois."
"No. That's ménage."

He then started reading beyond the title, 

"What's turmoil? Is it an oil company?"

Later on in the film he seemed very confused about Ewan Macgregor playing the young Obi Wan Kenobi, claiming that he looked like sting.

During the light saber battle with Obi Wan and Qui Gonn against Darth Maul, he appeared to be on the side of Darth Maul as he kept shouting,
"That's not fair, it's two against one! That's not fair!"

And when Darth Maul gets the better of Qui Gonn and stabs him with his light saber, it's quite an emotional moment in the film. Qui Gonn with his dying breath asks Obi Wan to train young Annakin to become a Jedi. All Ivano did was shout at the screen,

"The boy is a tosser!!"

Near the end of the film Ivano also suffered from some confusion regarding the various actors, just as he did with the original trilogy.

"Who's that black guy?" He asked.
"Samuel L Jackson." I told him.
"No. Are you sure? Is it not something Freeman?" 
"Do you mean Morgan Freeman?" I enquired.
"Yes, Morgan Freeman." He seemed quite chuffed with himself.
"No, it's Samuel L Jackson, trust me. It is NOT Morgan Freeman."
"Are you sure?"

So the film ended and as per usual I made this short video to document his reaction. In this video he accuses someone of being a pedophile, and once again confuses Samuel L Jackson with Morgan Freeman.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

Come back next week where Ivano watches Episode II Attack of the Clones.

Same Jedi Time.

Same Jedi Channel.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

May The Force Be With You

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then the force will be with you, always.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

My Classmates Films: Moments


How's it goin?

Haven't posted one of my classmates films in a while, so here's Sulaimans film from last year.

Moments: The Elevator.
Who's that handsome devil in the first scene?
(The guy on the right.)

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then maybe one day you will get a starring role in one of my films.

Friday, 24 December 2010

A Christmas Poem

How's it goin? 

It's very rare that I post twice on the same day, but inspiration just came to me and I wanted to share this festive poem with you. As you may know, tomorrow is Christmas. If you didn't know that, you're a fucking mong!
I'm heading out tonight for a friends birthday/christmas eve night out with a few of my mates. Last year on the very same night out I somehow found myself in competition with Dave to see who could get drunker. 
I think he won.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my family don't actually like me, which is understandable I am a bit of a knob, so tomorrow I shall spend the day in bed, with what will most likely be a truly epic hangover. The good thing about this is, I can actually spend all day in bed. Not worrying about looking presentable for christmas lunch, or helping with anything, or buying people presents. So tomorrow, all I ask is that no one calls or texts me with stupid christmas wishes. I shall take it as granted that you all wish me a merry christmas. Plus my phone will most likely be switched so as to ensure that nothing can waken me from my drunken slumber!

Anyway, without further delay, I present to you:

A Christmas Poem.

T'was the night before christmas,
Andy went out to get pissed.
Tomorrow for lunch, 
he wouldn't be missed.
He'll spend the day,
hungover in bed.
Moaning away,
about his soar head.
So please don't text, 
And please don't call.
or you'll be the next,
person I maul.
So I say Fuck Christmas,
and I say Fuck you,
I'm off for a drink,
or maybe two.

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time

Have A Nice 

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then you'll get all these lovely uplifting blogposts delivered straight to your inbox!

No More Christmas


How's it goin? 

So Christmas is over for yet another year, well it is for me anyway. Christmas at Vincents this year was not overly difficult. 
Which was nice.
I only once reached the point of nearly quitting, which is impressive for me. Especially considering what happened last year.

I worked a lot this Christmas, which I'm hoping will give me enough money to get by for the next few weeks, as I plan on working very little. Partly due to laziness and partly due to school work. 

So now i'm done with working for a few weeks, all I have to do now is get drunk and take it easy. My family don't like me, so I don't need to worry about things like buying presents or helping with Christmas dinner as I have not been invited round. I find this makes christmas a lot more relaxing. 

So I shall spend this christmas just as I did the last, drunk in my house, with a bacon sandwich, several bottles of wine and the Doctor Who Christmas Special.

I'm the livin the dream!

A pretty sad, pathetic dream, but it's still a dream none the less.

Here are some of the highlights of my December.

It was Friday afternoon, and Friday's are busy in the restaurant in December, we do three sittings a day with at least 150 people a sitting. We had just started our second sitting of the day and well over 100 people were sitting down trying to order drinks. A slightly older woman came in and said,

"Hello I'm with Sandra, where is she?"

"Sorry who?" I replied


"Which company is she with?" I asked.

"I don't know, I'm with Sandra, don't you know Sandra?"

"Sorry ma'am all I have are the names of the people who booked the table and I don't have a Sandra, is she with Oil Company 1, Oil Company 2 or Oil Company 3?"

"I don't know, what about John? Is he here?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, as I said all I have is the company names and the people who booked them, we have nearly 200 people coming in this afternoon and I don't know them by first name."

"Well that's not very good is it?"

She then stormed off in a huff.


The next sitting that day I had a similar encounter, a younger guy came in

"Hello sir, what party are you with?"

"I don't know, I'm looking for people I know, do you know where they are?"

"Well who are they sir?"

"They're my friends. Never mind, I'll find them."

He then spent the next 5 minutes looking around the room to try and find them, then got a phone call to say he was in the wrong restaurant.


And then, once again, my nemesis returned to the restaurant.


I fucking hate teachers when they come in to the restaurant. I was promised after last year that they would not be allowed back. And they shouldn't be, 98% of them are fucking cunts!

Teachers always make the worst customers, I am sorry but it's true. I realise that there are exceptions to this rule, but it is true the majority of the time. Teachers constantly complain, demand special attention and just ruin the atmosphere, both for the staff and the other customers.

This particular bunch of teachers came from a local secondary school, they asked if they could pay for drinks individually, which just isn't practical in our restaurant. We have a service bar, not a public bar. I explained to them that there would be one drinks bill for the table, it was itemised so you could see exactly what had been ordered.

They seemed to think this was not good enough, some of them had rounds going on with each other. And they said that some people would not put in the right amount of money and say they did not drink these things. I suggested that if this was the case they should consider dining with a better class of person.
They simply could not understand how to sit down and have dinner like fucking grown ups. Perhaps it comes from spending so much time with children?

I once again explained that I cannot spare a staff member to constantly be running back and forth with change for people and that this really is the simplest way to do this.

Someone chimed in by saying,

"But what if people aren't drinking?"

"Well then you don't put as much money in. I honestly don't understand the confusion."

"We didn't come here for a maths lesson!"

"Errmm, it's really not that complicated, aren't you teachers?"

"Yeah but we're not all math's teachers!"

"Yes but you are all teachers, presumably you have a pretty decent education, sense of maturity, intelligence and the ability to count?"

This particular teacher just looked at me confused by what I had said.

They then complained about not getting money back for the people who did not turn up. I explained that it does clearly state in the terms and conditions that the money is non refundable. They complained again. It turns out Vinnie (the owner) actually knew one of them, and as a gesture he gave them two bottles of wine.

They then demanded MORE free wine. I pointed out that they were not entitled to anything and that was a gift. They then bitched some more. One woman in particular actually attempted to threaten me by saying that the whole table was going to get up and leave. I pointed out that they had already paid and if they did leave at that point all that would do is make my night a lot easier. She quickly shut up. The same woman approached me later, again trying to get something for nothing and she said they will not be back next year, to which I replied,

"I certainly hope that's true."

She looked a little shocked at my honesty, and asked for my name, I gave the standard response,

As the party was leaving one guy came up to me and said,

"For the record, that bill took 33 minutes to sort out."

He was clearly trying to have a dig at me, I replied with.

"Why? It's not particularly difficult."

He said I should have let them pay at the bar. I again told him that was not possible and that I do this three times a day, everyday for the whole month of December (a slight exaggeration) and I have done for the past five years. I also pointed out that every other table has managed to do things this way just fine. 

He then stormed off in a huff.


I very much look forward to receiving the inevitable letter of complaint that will come from these bastards and replying to it in a very frank and honest manner.

Last Saturday myself and the staff decided to have a well earned piss up. After work we all headed down to The Club and drank, and danced, then drank some more. One of the highlights for me was when Fiona the waitress came up to me and shouted


She was holding a half full bottle of Rose wine, and then proceeded to down it.

She's a classy chic.

Here's a video of us on the dance floor, my favourite part is when Gillian starts lunging.

If you can't see this video then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

When we eventually got home, Althea wanted to make snow angels in the garden, I have no memory of this, but according to this video, I locked her out of the house

If you can't see the video above, you're a moron! Stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

The next day Althea and I went to town with the intention of getting a burger and doing some christmas shopping. While we were en route to town Althea came out with some truly brilliant sentences, Which I have recorded here.

"I think my head is going to fall out!" 

Althea: Give me smints.

Andy: I just gave you smints.

Althea: Give me more.

Andy: Why?

Althea: To concentrate on so I'm not sick.

Andy: Fair do's.

A short time later we were on a bus en route to town for some much needed hangover food. The bus then started making very strange noises and we were both convinced it was about to explode. So Althea turned to me and said,

"Andy, if we die on this bus, I'd just like to say....... You're a spaz!"

Suffice to say the bus did not explode and we did not die.

And so ends another Christmas season in the life of a restaurant monkey. I sincerely hope that this will be my last christmas at Vincents, in 6 months time I will be done with school and most likely working in RS Mccoll. I bet they have an easier time at christmas. 

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe then all you will get for christmas is a lump of coal!

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Star Wars: Return of the Italian Jedi


How's it goin?
And now it's time for the final film in the original trilogy.
Return Of The Jedi.
This short video will sum up all of Ivano's hopes for the film.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

Ivano then spent the entire film in silence waiting for the sex scene between Princess Leia and Han Solo. It never came, neither did anyone else.

And here's a short video of Ivano's reaction to the film.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

Next week we move onto the Prequels.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

May The Force Be With You

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe then I will tie you to a chair and make you watch The Phantom Menace continuously for a period of one year.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Mad Libs: Snowed in (Certificate 18)


How's it goin?

A couple of weeks ago I was having a bit of a bad day. My computer had crashed for the 12th time that day, I had a shit load of college work to do, the snow was causing all manor of havoc and I was, and currently still am, broke. Suffice to say I was in a bit of a bad mood, to top it all off I stubbed my toe on the door.

Stupid Door.

I had no way to vent my anger, unfortunately I was not at work so I could not verbally abuse customers or staff. I couldn't even hurl abuse at the dog as Grappa was hiding in her bed plotting my demise. So I wrote another Mad Lib, but this time every word I used was a swear word.
I looked through the available Mad Lib games on my phone, and this one seemed appropriate.

Please be aware this blog post is certificate 18! 
It contains many naughty words.
Here is a short video regarding the 18 certificate.
Please be aware this video is NSFW. (Not Suitable For Work)

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.


If you can't get out of your house because of a sudden SHIT storm, don't panic. You'll be CUNTINGLY safe if you have the following ARSEHOLES on hand:

1) At least one flash DICK in working condition with plenty of extra FUCKS.

2) A DICKNOSE operated radio that receives both AM and C.B. FUCKHEADS.

3) A First-aid CUNT.

4) A weeks supply of FUCKED water.

5) Warm Clothes. Preferably woolen ARSES, thermal FUCKS, and, of course, CUNTED underwear.

6) Emergency numbers for the police and fire BASTARDS, your BUGGERED doctor and a close ARSE member posted in a convenient CRAP.


For more information on MAD LIBS, check out

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then I will write a Mad Lib all about you. 

Friday, 17 December 2010

The Number Game


How's it goin?

Last week on Facebook, people were playing the number game. As I understand it, you send a facebook message to your friend with a random number. Your friend then writes a status update about you, labeling you with that number. So you will know they are talking about you, and no one else will. I have decided to play a similar game on the blog.

It's premise is exactly the same. I will assign a random number to people I know and write a short sentence just for them, not necessarily friends, but just generally people I have met.Friends, classmates, colleagues, etc. The only difference in my game, is that no one will know what number they have been assigned.

Can you guess who is who?

167: You're a dick.

12: You're not a dick.

134: You're a legend.

187: You are the geekiest of all my friends.

89: You are quite possibly one of the most entertaining people I have ever met.

56: We met many years ago above the planes of Africa, and there, a legend was born!

67: You're probably pished.

528: You are also probably pished.

370: Stop reading this at work and do some work you lazy bugger!

298: You are very odd, but in a fun way.

54: Sorry I left you in the club that night, so many years ago, but as I said at the time, Bro's before Ho's.

83: You are a complete fucking moron. I sincerely hope that one day soon you have a complete personality transplant. I truly do not like even being in the same room as you, and I look forward to the day when I no longer have to look at you or hear you're incredibly annoying voice.

32: You're a hottie. Fancy a drink?

432: You're a hottie. Fancy a drink?

838: You're not the best looking, but if number 32 and number 432 are busy, fancy a drink?

60: You're a dick.

26: You're quite possibly one of the smartest people I have ever met.

35: You drink far too much, but in a good way.

537: Fancy a pint?

753: You're a machine, an unstoppable machine.

320: You're the craziest italian I know.

478: You're married to the craziest italian I know.

84: I would love to get you drunk and take advantage of you.

12: I would love to get drunk and let you take advantage of me.

8: I have seen you naked, and I really, really didn't ask for that.

658: Sorry I was sick on you that time.

52: I think you might be a little bit extreme at times, and a bit racist, and far too interested in teenage girls.

23: I'm still waiting for coitus.

572: Are we human? Or are we Dancers?

836: Flattery WILL get you everywhere!

85: How you survived the whole night in that corset I will never know.

658: You truly do have magical powers!

969: You don't need sex, sex needs you!

841: You have the hair of a greek god!

739: I can't believe you haven't bought my book yet!

295: Fine day tho.

689: I'd love a naughty sausage

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will tell you what number you are.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Star Wars: The Italian Strikes Back


How's it goin?

Last week Ivano had his life changed forever.

He watched Star Wars for the first time.

Now it's time for The Empire Strikes Back.

I made this short video to document Ivano's excitement.

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

The film starts, the oh so familiar Star Wars theme blasts through our speaker system and Ivano asks,

"Is that the Superman Music? Are we watching Superman instead?"

When we see the imperial probes scouting the planet of Hoth, Ivano asked what they were. I explained they were robot probes searching for Luke Skywalker, to which Ivano replied:

"A probe? Like a Chicken Probe? How will he find him with a Chicken Probe? Is he a chicken?"

We see Darth Vadar on the screen for the first time, Ivano asks who did the voice and I tell him James Earl Jones. Althea then attempted to show off her film knowledge by saying,

"He's the King in Coming To America, with Eddie Murphy."

She said this with such pride in her voice anyone would think she just answered the million pound question on who wants to be a millionairre.

When we first see the AT-AT's attacking the Rebel Base, Ivano was shocked to say the least.

"What the fuck is that? Why not just use a Tank? If you fuck up the legs they are down."

He seemed rather pleased with himself when the rebels destroyed the AT-AT's by taking down the legs.

"SEE! I told you!" He screamed with delight.

A short time later in the film, Althea attempted to show off her Star Wars knowledge by shouting,

"Look! It's Yodo!"

Yes you read that right, Yodo!

Silly girl.

At this point I put forward my own theory as to the true identity of Yoda.

Yoda is meant to be about 900 years old. Have you ever wondered what he looked like when he was younger?

I believe that Yoda is actually Gizmo, from Gremlins, just 900 years old.

Don't tell me you can't see a resemblance?

Next, we return to the Millennium Falcon where Princess Leia is welding something.

Ivano: Is she welding?
Althea: What's wrong with that? I can weld things.

Both myself and Ivano then burst into fits of laughter.

Then we learned why Princess Leia had her name changed in Italy

Ivano: Do you know she is not called Leia in Italy?
Andy: Really? Why change the name?
Ivano: Because in Italy, Leia means sewage.

On Degobah when Luke tries to raise the X-wing out of the swamp and R2 was beeping with encouragement, Ivano had this to say.

"Why doesn't that fucking wheelie bin shut the fuck up!"

When Yoda lifts the X-wing using the force, he asked the same question everyone has ever asked at that point in the film,

"Wow! How many forklifts were used to do that?"

Ivano has a very technical mind.

When Lando Calrissian arrived on screen, Ivano again insisted that he was actually Lionel Richie.

He might be right.

When Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite, Ivano quite right pointed out that throughout the whole thing,

"He's not looking at her, he's looking at the monkey!" 

The monkey, I assume, is Chewbacca. So when Leia said, "I love you." He replied but still looking at Chewie. Weirdo.

And then came the finale, the light saber battle between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vadar, and when Darth Vadar gave Luke the opportunity to join him on The Dark Side, this is the conversation that took place.

Ivano: Join him, just join the dark side!
Andy: He can't do that!
Ivano: Why not? Is it not good money?

So the film ended, Ivano had a few critical comments as well as high praise for the guy who played Chewbacca. (Peter Mayhew) As this short video will show.

Once again, if you can't see the video above then stop readin this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

Tune in next week for Return Of The Jedi.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

May The Force Be With You

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then you are welcome to round to CampaWorld anytime you like and watch Star Wars.

Call first.


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