Monday, 22 February 2010

The Tale Of Last Tuesday

Hows it goin?

Now I must admit that some parts of the story I'm about to tell you have not come from me. Mainly because I can't remember them.
Last Tuesday was a day like any other, I was in my Television Research class, The teacher was not there and as Class Rep I was left in charge. This was a terrible idea, but the teacher wasn't to know that at the time. I handed out the assignments, put round a register and then went mad with power. I think I expelled 3 people, but I'm not sure why. 
To distract myself from the rather boring conversations that some of my classmates were having, I put my headphones in and started work on one of the documentaries I need to make next year. (I'm thinking of doing mine on beer.)
It was then that the planets aligned, all the mystical forces of the universe were focused on me, or more specifically on my phone. 

I got a call.

A call that would change my life.

That previous sentence may be a bit overly dramatic. It probably didn't change my life, just my day.

The call came from Ivano, The Sommelier. He had to go to a wine tasting and Althea (his wife) was sick so she couldn't go. He asked if I would like to take her place. 
Now being the sensible, mature student that I am I of course said no, I had class in the afternoon and alot of work to do.

Ivano then used his super Italian mind control powers on me.

"Andy, there will be free wine, lot's of free wine."   he said.
"I'll see you there at half 1." 
I replied 

How could I not go? Everyone knows I love wine, especially free wine.

I told my tutor I had to work in the afternoon due to someone being sick. Which technically is true. I was testing wine in a professional capacity.
I jumped on the bus home, got changed and headed to the venue. By this point it was just after 1pm and I was starving. Fortunately I had been to a couple of these wine tastings before and I knew they always had a free lunch included. I arrived at 1:20 and met Ivano in the reception area, there were about 75 wines laid out on a table waiting to be tasted, but strangely there was no one tasting them. For a second I did wonder if this was an elaborate rues, perhaps Ivano had organised this to get me in a secure location where he would then extract my kidneys and sell them on the black market so he could pay off his ever increasing debts caused by his addiction to cabernet sauvignon. 

"Where is everyone?" I asked while slowly backing up towards the door.

"They're having lunch." Ivano informed me.


I missed the free lunch.

To make matters worse I missed breakfast that day. I was bloody starving. 

I decided to put my hunger aside and start testing the wines. We started on the champagne, which was nice.
Then we moved onto the whites, lots and lots of white wine. Some of it was crap, some of it was very nice. I should point out that during the tasting Ivano was being very professional, he spat out all the wine.

I did not.

At this point I met one of the ambassadors for a very nice white wine. I forget the name. He was french and looked like Brandon Routh. (The guy who played Superman in Superman Returns)

After tasting what must have been around 30 white wines I am quite proud to say I was feeling only slightly tipsy. 
Then we moved onto the red, and even then, after drinking about another 20 samples of red wine I was still doing pretty good.
It came to around 4pm, and they were starting to pack everything away, it is then things become hazy. I remember drinking something red, something red and spanish. But that's all the details I can give you. To be honest it may have been the sauce from some Albondigas.

After that I don't know what happened.

I have a very vague memory of talking to Helen, I remember being in my flat and not being able to find my glass's and getting very angry about this. And then I remember being on a bus, a bus to Bridge of Don. A few days ago I spent about an hour looking for a couple of books I knew I already owned. I searched my flat and couldn't find them. I deduced they must be at my parents house in the loft. 
So on Tuesday evening in my drunken state I decided to go and get them. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't think I got the books, I remember climbing the ladder and I remember having an argument with my Mum.

However, there is a gap. 
A big gap.

According to my outgoing calls I spoke to Helen at 5:54pm. I left the wine tasting just before 4pm.
Where the hell was I for 2 hours??
My call log also tells another story.
I had 23 missed calls from Ivano.
That's worrying. 
I awoke on Wednesday morning, fully clothed and there was a strange smell in my room. (not the usual strange smell.) A whiff of red wine, mixed with an odour of vomit. I got out of bed and checked myself out in the mirror, as I stood up I nearly fell over, my ankle was killing me. 
What the hell happened?
It was then I discovered where that strange smell was coming from.
Or more specifically my jacket and my trousers.
I wandered through to the kitchen to get a desperately needed glass of water. My mouth was drier than Ghandi's flip flop.
But then I was in for another shock. My kitchen had been practically destroyed. Everything was lying on the floor.
The bin was over turned, pots and pans, and several broken glass's.
I now own about 2 glass's, yesterday I owned about 15.
For a minute I thought I had been robbed, but then I realised I had nothing valuable.
I missed school that day, I was up in time but I didn't have the motivation. I lay in bed trying to figure out what the hell happened.
My mind was drawing a blank.
The next day I had to work, it seemed tales of my exploits had already been told. No one was particularly surprised. I have a bad reputation.
I decided to try and get some answers, I called Ivano and got him to fill in some of the blanks.
The next several paragraphs are all what Ivano told me happened. 
Now I must point out that 99% of the things Ivano says are usually bollocks. He has a tendency to bull shit with the best of them. So there is no guarantee this is the truth and I really hope it isn't

According to Ivano as the wine tasting was finishing up, I attempted to steal a bottle of wine by subtly hiding it in my pocket After leaving the wine tasting we went to Mal Maison to talk to a sommelier we both know. Apparently while there I had a peroni and he quite sensibly had a coffee. I threw the beer away and wandered into the whisky tasting room. Not sure why.
I then returned and attempted to chat up the barmaid by talking about blow jobs. Not sure what angle I was going for there.
I then apparently went on a rant about rose wine and how it is only for girls and gays. 
I don't know why I would say that. 
I don't think that. 
At least I don't think I think that. 
Do I?
And then I got thrown out. Ivano tried to find me by checking every bar in the surrounding area, and calling me 23 times. I don't know why I didn't answer.
Ivano has advised me not to go to Mal Maison for at least a couple of months. 
This is quite worrying. I have absolutely no memory of these events taking place. I only have Ivano's word. 
But just to be safe I am not going to be visiting Mal Maison anytime in the near future.
Apparently Helen has recorded some of my drunken conversation to her, I really, really hope she deletes it.
Fortunately Althea did not record the conversation I apparently had with her where I was sick, repeatedly.

So all as a result of Ivano's initial phone call on a Tuesday morning.
I still don't know what happened to my ankle.
My kitchen now smells of red wine and vomit.
And I am now using jam jars for drinking glass's.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

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If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will take you to a wine tasting.

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