Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Trainspotting (aka envelope 2 of 50)

Hows it going?
Remember my letter to the Big Bobs Bus Company? Well to send that letter I had to buy an envelope. However, the shop i went to only sold them in packs of fifty. So I sent the letter and was left with 49 envelopes
It would be stupid to waste them so I have now set myself the challenge of writing another 49 letters, both good and bad. So far I have sent a letter to aberdeen train station, sky and red bull, I am planning on writing to Aberdeen Tourist Board, Cadburys and Kellogg's for starters,
so I thought I would share these incredibly dull and long winded letters with the 6 people who read all this bollocks.
This letter was posted in envelope number 2 of 50. I will post the reply in a day or 2.

To Whom it may concern

Good day, I hope this letter finds you well and that you are having a brilliant day! Sadly my letter is not overly positive, don’t take it personally, I’m sure it's not your fault, I just have some points I would like to raise and I hope you can help!

I recently made a journey from your train station to Blackpool, it was on September 4th, the day the floods stopped all service. Don’t worry I’m not moaning about that. These things happen, you guys coped alright with the situation, perhaps a bit more communication with the customers could have been done, but overall I was just happy to get to where I was meant to be going, (even though I didn’t get there till after 4am! If you want to know more about that then please feel free to read my blog My complaint is regarding the Luggage locker facility.

When I first discovered you had a locker facility I was well chuffed. This was the perfect situation for me. I am a “mature” student and have class on a Friday afternoon from 1:30pm until 4:30pm and my train is at 5. The lockers were a blessing in disguise. I could leave my stuff there and go to the station as soon as my class was finished, this would save me dragging my heavy bags around college or leaving them at home and hurrying around later.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I was unable to drop my bags off in the morning as I originally planned. I managed to get to the station around 12:55 pm, this was still good timing for me, all I needed to do was stick my bags in a locker, pick up a couple of things in town and head to class. That’s loads of time, I could probably squeeze in a quick beer too (I am a student after all).

I arrived at the station, headed to the locker area and was bemused to discover this.

Back in 5 minutes? Why? Why was this locked? What if I had a train to catch? What if my train was in 2 minutes? What would I do then? Fortunately it was only 12:55pm, so even if this sign only went up 10 seconds ago I would still have plenty of time.

I am sorry to report that this sign was not accurate. By the time someone appeared it was 1:15pm. That’s 20 minutes from the time I arrived!! I wonder what time the sign actually went up? When the staff member appeared he greeted me with a grunt and opened the door. He said all bags have to searched. This is not a problem but it was taking up valuable time, which I did not have! May I ask why do all the bags have to be searched? Is this for security reasons? Why would someone want to blow up Aberdeen train station? Is someone trying to set up a rival station in the city?

As I said I did not expect someone to search my bags, I suspect most people do not anticipate this, I would be interested in hearing what your staff have discovered in bags while searching them? A severed human head perhaps? A gold fish? A life size blow up doll? I imagine it would be quite funny sometimes.

I must ask, why is this area manned? I have used many lockers in my lifetime and I am fairly confident I have the necessary skills to operate one. I am also curious as to your safety measures for staff when conducting the search. The staff member who searched my bag only wore ONE rubber glove. Why one? He was clearly using both hands. Is this due to budget cuts? Perhaps it is a tribute to the recently deceased Michael Jackson? After he conducted the search he placed my bags in a locker and told me it was £3, of course the exact contents of my wallet came to exactly £2.99. Fortunately I had a £5 note in my wallet, I grabbed it and handed it over, he gave me a rather blank expression and said, “We don’t have change here.” What? Why not? There is a staff member there, why not give him a small bucket of change. I was instructed to go to the WH Smith around the corner. Is this some kind of arrangement you have going with WH SMITH? I was forced to go round there and buy a chocolate bar I did not want, (I’m watching my figure) in order to get change. That is ridiculous. I suspect this staff member may have the easiest job known to man, when I returned he was not exactly hard at work. I have re enacted this pose for you in the picture below.

And you are paying someone for this job???

If this is the case I would very much like to put forward my C.V. for consideration. I most definitely have the skills required and believe I would easily make employee of the month.

By the time I left the locker area it was after 1:20pm and I had to RUN (and I mean RUN! I am not in the best of shape and this was not a pleasant experience for me.) to get to class. Despite my best athletic effort I was still late for my lecture and this caused me to make a very embarrassing entrance and disrupt the class.

When I returned later I half expected the staff member to be having a nap behind the desk, or see yet another post it note saying “gone for a pint.” It was not the same person I had dealt with in the afternoon but he obviously shares the same skill set, I have re-enacted his pose in the picture below.

Obviously a more 21st century man, he was playing on his Sony PSP! (Sadly I do not own a PSP so I have substituted my i-phone for the purposes of this photograph.) Is this what staff are meant to be doing during working hours?

I would like to ask why is the luggage area staffed? If someone is not intelligent enough to use a locker then they really shouldn’t be allowed out on there own. If it does have to be staffed, then you must stick to your guns and have it manned at ALL TIMES. If when I initially arrived I was meant to be picking up my bag to catch a train I most likely would have missed it! Why was this area closed for at least 20 minutes? I gave this some thought and these are my top 3 theories, if any of them are correct please let me know:

1. The staff member had to go to the toilet (if he is away for that long please tell him to seek medical attention.)

2. He got lost.

3. He does not have a watch and lost track of time.

Sadly if theory number one is correct I cannot help, however if theory number 2 or 3 is correct then it’s your lucky day! I am sure you found your gift I included in the envelope.

It’s a keyring consisting of a watch,

and if you lift up the clock, it’s a compass!

YES that right, DOUBLE BUBBLE!!!

You are most welcome.

I hope you enjoy the gift and I hope next time I use your luggage facilities I will not have to wait for 20 minutes when I am in a hurry.

I hope you enjoyed this letter and I look forward to your response. If you wish to get me a gift in return for the watch/compass please feel free to do so. (You don’t want any bad karma now do you?)

Kind Regards

Andy G

(irritated train passenger)

This is a genuine letter I posted a couple of weeks ago, I also really did send the watch/compass.
Someone did reply to me and I will post that letter in a couple o days.

Until next time

Have A Nice

Andy G

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  1. ;-) loving you andy!!!

  2. I don't know why this isn't a book or a radio serial yet - it's hilarious.



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