To Whom it may Concern
Its customer number 30435399001 here, (my friends call me Andy). Whilst having my breakfast this afternoon (I'm a late sleeper) I was perusing the mail, amongst the usual barrage of bills and offers from domino's pizza, I discovered a letter from Mckenzie hall debt recovery and trace consultants (They know me as customer number M14273935).
Upon calling them I was extremely disappointed to discover it was not a long lost relative trying to track me down to offer me millions of pounds. I was in a state of disbelief when I was informed that I have an outstanding water bill from
The lovely Helen told to put all this in writing as due to security reasons you cannot discuss everything with me over the phone, I do not see what difference it makes if I put everything in writing as opposed to talking on the phone, why would ANYONE call you up and ask to pay a 7 year old water bill? I was told by the lovely Helen that I cannot adequately prove my identity over the phone, I can’t see how writing down everything is any better, nor do I understand why a water company would have such tight security. Is there a drought on that I don’t know about? Perhaps it is to prevent identity theft, which is a good idea. However, why would anyone want to steal my identity? I’m not that interesting. And why would an identity thief call up to pay an old bill? If someone wants to do that then I say hell yes!! And to be honest so should you, at the end of the day your getting your money which you probably will not get from me (the real customer number 30435399001, or Andy to my friends).
I can think of no way to prove my identity through this letter that could not be done on the phone. In a previous draft of this letter I wrote down several personal details in an attempt to prove to you that I am in fact the real Andrew Graham however afterwards I realized that you (the reader of this letter) may well be an identity thief and this whole thing may be a gigantic conspiracy to steal my identity. So to re iterate my point, what difference does it make if I write all this down or just talk to someone on the phone???
Apparently I owe you in excess of £400, I do not see how this is possible as I left the property in early 2002 having paid all the bills, I am also incredibly surprised that it is my name on the bill as I was not the first tenant in the property and do not recall giving my name to any water company. I am also incredibly amazed that I am being contact 7 YEARS AFTER I HAVE LEFT (the caps and red font in that previous sentence were to emphasise my shock and disgust at this, I hope that came across well) I sincerely doubt that I am due you any money and to be perfectly honest do not trust any company that takes this long to track someone down.
The lovely Helen instructed me to give you an idea of my where about for the past few years so here goes.
I moved to Middlesbrough in september of 2001 to attend the university of Teeside. I initially moved into 111 Ayresome Street Middlesbrough with a very strange man called James and a drunkard (in a fun way) called Ben. Sadly after Christmas 2001 Ben did not return to university. I was gutted. I was forced to live with a very strange man called James who constantly ate all my food and I am fairly certain was a male prostitute. so i decided to move out, i looked far and wide across the great city that is Middlesbrough and after many minutes of searching i found a room in the house next door. I moved in there in January 2002 with the lovely Jeanette the scouser and Pippa the Welsh woman ( do the welsh have a nickname? other than the welsh of course).
I realise you may not need all this information but I was told to give you details of my whereabouts from my time in Ayresome street until the present day. I was renting the property in
I realise that I have left the country for long periods of time however I always had my parents address as my point of contact and I have stayed in a fixed location for years at a time. I find this entire situation unbelievable and am not entirely convinced it is a wind up.
As previously mentioned I would like to get to the bottom of this matter asap, sadly I cannot give you a contact address as my lease in my current property will be up in August and given your reputation I do not expect to here back from you until 2016.
My email Address is Andy@randomandom.com.
I look forward to hearing from you, although by the time you do get in touch I expect we will all be talking through holograms or something else equally as futuristic.
If any part of this letter has seemed insulting, I apologise and did not mean to cause any offense. Please try and see this from my point of view, you are saying I owe you money from a property I rented 7 years ago and only stayed in for 3 months. I have said this several times in this letter but how is it possible it has taken this long to get in touch with me? Its not like I've been avoiding you. I even returned to Middlesbrough for a halloween party in late 2002, however it may have been difficult for you to find me on that particular night as I was dressed like postman pat.
I realise that who ever is reading this letter probably does not have the best job in the world (I honestly mean no offense) you most likely have to read lots of letters like this and have to deal with arseholes saying they don’t owe you money. I know what it is like to deal with the public, I run a restaurant, I have to deal with morons all the time. The public really are a bunch of twats aren’t they? I imagine that you must deal with a barrage of verbal abuse at times, please know that you will not get that from me, but mind you, you probably won’t get any money out of me either. I do believe that an error has been made somewhere, and that’s alright, people make mistakes all the time, I once dyed my hair blonde and still have not lived it down.
Anyway I look forward to hearing from you, please get in touch via email or phone, however as I previously said if you cannot give me any more information because of security reasons then what is the point? How will you ever get any money from me? You are welcome to come and meet me in person if you wish!! You can buy me a coffee or a drink if you want!! (I’ll have a pint of Heineken) If you do choose to call please do not do so too early as I previously mentioned i am not a morning person like and will probably not answer the phone.
Hope you have a tremendous day.
Customer number 30435399001
Customer number 30435399001
That is a genuine letter I sent. I did not write that just for the blog, I honestly sent this letter to the northumbrian water board. They were quite good about the whole thing. They sent me an email stating that they believed I still occupied the property and the outstanding balance has been wiped. Its amazing what a little diplomacy can do.
until next time