The Blog of Andy G: here comes the bride

Bonjourno

Im getting old, I seem to be at that age when people are getting married and having babies. It’s very strange. I have 2 weddings this year and in the past 12 months several friends have had a baby or announced they are having one. I have Mark and Kims wedding on Saturday which I’m really looking forward to. Its gonna be a crackin day. Sadly I don’t see my mates in Aberdeen a lot as I’m constantly working or leaving the country so gonna make the most of my time there. It won’t be long till im back there full time as a student tho.

Weddings are a strange thing. There are lots of various roles to be filled. During the stag do a couple of us asked mark if we had a role in the wedding, he said no as he saw us as “the Drinkers” this was fine by me the less I have to do the better!

I did start thinking about what jobs were actually going

I don’t know much about weddings, I know they cost a lot of money, people usually get far too drunk and dance like morons( I plan on doing this on Saturday) but I don’t know much else

What roles are there in a wedding,?

these are a few of the titles I have heard mentioned in the past or seen in films.

The Bride ( not Uma Therman)

The woman getting married, usually the more responsible one out of the couple. Her main job seems to be to stress about every little detail, she has to make sure she looks better than everyone else in the room and scare the best man into making sure the groom arrives at the wedding in tact.

The Groom

The bloke getting married. The grooms job seems to be the easiest, he turns up says I do, usually gets too drunk and moans about how much everything cost.

Best man

The grooms best mate, he is the most important man in any wedding. That’s why he is called the BEST man, out of all the men there, he is considered to be the best, he organises the most important part of any wedding, the Stag do He gets the groom very drunk, holds on to the rings and hopefully tells a very funny speech

Maid of honour

The female equivalent of a best man, she organises the hen night. Having witnessed dozens of hen nights in various restaurants I can safely say these are quite dull in comparison to stag do’s. They always start out all nice and talking about shoes and hair and all that other girly crap and then they get all bitchy and end up screaming at the poor restaurant manager who just wants them to leave!(sorry I may have went off topic a bit then) I don’t think they give a speech, and I don’t know what they do on the day, probably something to do with shoes. Traditionally they should shag the best man, if the best man is already married then they should shag the drunkest friend of the groom.(hopefully me)

Bridesmaids,

I dunno what there job is, as far as I can tell its just to hang around the bride usually in some minging dress and shag one of the grooms mates.(again hopefully me)

Ushers

I think these guys are supposed to tell people where to sit, this sounds like the shittest job if you ask me, its like one of those guys in the cinema who walks about with a torch. And usually its just are you with the bride or groom, the brides friends and family go on one side and the grooms go on the other. How hard is that to figure out? Essentially I think they are being taken advantage of. I think some bloke hundreds of years ago thought of a way to save a few bucks on the wedding day. he thought instead of paying people to show guests where to go he would just ask a couple of his mates to do it and give them a title, sounds a bit odd to me.

Groomsmen,

I have no idea what these guys do, I think they walk the bridesmaids down the isle, but I don’t know why the bridesmaids walk down the isle, is it just to show off? Are they just eye candy? So then would that make the groomsmen eye candy for the eye candy? I don’t know

Page boy

I have no idea what a page boy does, I remember going to a family wedding as a kid and my cousin was a page boy, I don’t know what he did, presumably turn pages on some kind of book. How lazy do you have to be that you can’t turn a fucken page?

Its all quite strange.

Wedding lists are something that’s also quite weird

I do understand why they exist. But anytime I give someone a present I like it to be something that I have put thought into, just ask any of my old staff. I like to give something unique that I have put time into thinking about and went to trouble to get. I suppose it does make sense to have a list tho. This way when the happy couple get round to opening there presents they will have something they actually want and not a bean bag with a picture of me on it. For Mark and Kims wedding I checked out there list. I thought it best to stick to it as several years ago I bought them a cushion with a picture of me on it. They did not seem to appreciate the gift and it has since disappeared. I wanted to get them something special that they would enjoy for a long time to come. After reading through the wedding list on john lewis.com I settled on a saucepan. I can only assume it’s the greatest sauce pan on the market as it cost 40 quid. Maybe it comes with a years supply of sauce. The website allows you to put a message along with the gift but only a certain number of characters, its like twitter for gifts. After several drafts I settled on “I hope you enjoy your saucepan” I think it was simple and to the point. Much like myself.

Weddings are always great fun. When my cousin got married about 5 years ago my dad was the classic “drunken uncle” at the wedding, the reception was in a marquee and after several beers dad headed off in search of the bathroom, when he found it he discovered he would be at the back of a very large queue. So dad being the genius that he is he thought he’d just nip round the back of the marquee and relieve himself there. However it was a very sunny day and around 100 guests were treated to the silhouette of my dad peeing against the side of a marquee. Its quite scary that are parents area a vision of what we may one day become.

The last wedding I went to was Richard and Lorraine in 2006, that was a great day. a great few days in fact. The reception was great fun, they had personalised M & M’s on the table which I thought was awesome, Kev the best man did an awesome speech which I helped with( I held giant comedy cue cards) and we danced the night away at a welsh ceildh. By the end of the day more than one of the previously mentioned tradition’s were fulfilled.

It was a brilliant day and I’m sure Mark & Kims wedding will equal or better it in levels of awesomeness.

The next wedding for me is Paul and Sonya’s from the QE2. This should be another good one. Will be good to catch up with a few old drinking buddies from the ship days.

When Mark and Kim sent me my invite it was from them and there was a slip to fill in about my meal choice. When I received my invite for Paul and Sonya’s wedding it was from Sonya’s parents. There was no slip to fill in, it simply said R.S.V.P. by April 30^th. So I wrote them a very nice letter.

Dear Mr & Mrs Naylor,

Thank you for your invitation to the marriage of your daughter, Sonya Marie Naylor, to the drunkard that is Paul David Riley. I am writing to you with good news and bad news, which do you want first?

I’m hoping you said the bad news first, as that is what I am going to give you. If you wish to get the good news first then please skip ahead to the next paragraph. And then return here. OK ready??? Here we go. The BAD news is that Mr Adam Poole, one of the founding fathers of the drinking team and drunkard extraordinaire, sadly will not be in attendance. He is returning to a life at sea, and will be on a cruise ship somewhere attempting to sell art to a bunch of freeloaders who turn up to auctions just to get free champagne (I don’t blame them I would do the same) He does send his apologies and wishes the happy couple all the best for the future. To be honest it is just as well he is not coming as he would no doubt drink far too much and fall asleep on a table by half past 7.

Now for the GOOD NEWS, it is with great delight that on behalf of myself (Andy G) and Mr Jonny “Torpedo” Hemy that we are RSVPing with an absolute YES! (Is RSVPing a word? I think it is, if its not it should be) we are both very much looking forward to it. Now if you did read this paragraph first so you can read the good news before the bad news then please go back to the previous paragraph.

Jon and myself will most definitely be in attendance at both the wedding and the reception, Kilts in all. May I also thank you for your most informative information sheet that accompanied your invitation, I am impressed. We are planning on staying at the Sheraton where the reception is being held, as we will most likely get too drunk to find our way back to anywhere else. Also, if we pull anyone it will be much handier, I assume you have invited large amounts of attractive single women, please inform them to form an orderly queue and myself and Jon will be glad to dance with all of them throughout the evening.

I am sure you have seen the movie QE2 Reloaded to which both your daughter and future son in law feature; well now you get the thrill of meeting two of the founding fathers of the drinking team. How exciting for you. I’m sure it will make your day. Jon and I are equally excited to meet you. I have attached a photo featuring the 2 of us so you can remember what we look like. (I’m the good looking one on the left). Regarding the reception, is it possible to put in my musical requests now? I would especially like to hear 500 miles by The Proclaimers, Everybody by the Blues Brothers and of course, Walkin on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. In the past I have been described as a “dancing machine” and look forward dancing the night away with many of the previously mentioned attractive single women.

I realise this letter was a tad long for an rsvp to a wedding and the majority of people will simply write back saying “ill be there” or “ sorry I can’t come” but I had a day off and nothing else to do and this letter has kept me occupied for about 45 minutes, fortunately the pub has now opened so I must depart.

Until September

Be Cool, Like Fonzie

Kind Regards

The Drinking Team

Andy G, Jonny “Torpedo” Hemy, & Adam “The Fool” Poole