How's it goin?
As regular readers will know I recently released a book. Have you bought it yet? Why the hell not? What kind of friend are you? That book contains 50 letters, and various adventures surrounding those letters. A whole 30 pages of my book is focused on the abuse I received from customers of Mother Tuckerz. I thought it would only be fair to send them a free copy with a short letter.
Hi Mother Tuckerz,
How are you?
You look lovely.
Hope business is booming.
I see that Mother Tuckerz is no more and that you are now Candyshack. Hope that all goes well for you. I have not been in, but I walked past a few days ago and noticed the new colour scheme looks somewhat familiar. Have I seen that somewhere before?
Please find enclosed in this envelope a copy of my book, Fifty Envelopes. As per your request upon our last meeting, I have signed it Andy “The Dickhead” Graham. I hope you take the time to read it. The letters I wrote to your shop are on pages 66 to 71. I would also highly recommend checking out pages 139 to 167. Those pages contain all the abuse I received from your loyal customers and my responses. I hope it gives you some indication as to the kind of people who frequent your business.
Apologies for not dropping in this book personally, but I am incredibly busy at the moment. I am sure you will think that I am not “man enough” to come into your shop, as you accused me of before, but the truth is I really am very busy at the moment. Plus I thought since my book is about 50 letters it would only be right to send you a letter with this book.
Many of your customers took great pleasure in calling me a “fat, ugly bastard.” (I’m paraphrasing) They may be interested to know that in the past few weeks I have been working incredibly hard at a new job and entered into a new fitness regime, and I have lost over a stone. Now I’m just an ugly bastard!
Hope you like the book.
Keep it, one day that will be worth a fortune!
I remember from the last time we met you said you don’t have a computer, but if you do ever get one, then please feel free to drop me an e-mail with your thoughts on the book or just some more random abuse. I found it all very amusing.
That letter along with a free copy of my book was posted over a month ago, I have yet to receive a response.
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
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