Monday, 23 August 2010

Highlights of the weekend: Freaky Friday


Hows it goin? 

I am working very, very hard at the moment. I'm knackered. 
It's the festival in Edinburgh and Tapas Towers is busier than ever. I suspect this maybe due to the fact that I have returned for brief spell and word of this has spread throughout the city.
This weekend has been the busiest weekend I have ever worked, here are some of the highlights.

Table 200 was a table of four very excitable people, every time I put a dish down on the table they went, "Wooooo." With every dish the "Wooooo" got louder and longer, I served them twelve tapas. By the time the last dish went down I honestly exepcted a round of applause. It was like being  on a game show, except a really crap game show,  a really crap game show that serves tapas.

Table 206 was a couple of older ladies who seemed confused. Whenever I put food on the table I say the name of the dish in spanish and english. The conversation went as follows,
"Hi ladies we have the carne de res picante, which is the spicy beef salad."
"Is that the aubergine with couscous?" She asked.
"No, it's the spicy beef salad." I replied.
"Not the aubergine?"
"No, it's the spicy beef salad."
"Where's the aubergine?"
"Here it is." I place the aubergine on the table.
"So this is the aubergine with couscous?"
"And what's that one?"
"The spicy beef salad."
"And this is the aubergine."
"That's right."
"I see, it's very confusing isn't it?"
I didn't answer that, because to be honest it's not very confusing, one is clearly a beef salad and the other one is clearly NOT a beef salad. Fucking muppets!
I never went back to get a dessert order. I suspect that would have taken me about an hour to explain the difference between a creme brulee and a cheese cake.

Later in the day a woman got very upset with me regarding the design of the building.

"Where are the toilets?" A large woman grumpily asked me.
"Upstairs and turn left."
"Yes ma'am, upstairs and left."
"The toilets are upstairs?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Why are they upstairs."
"Ermm, I don't know, that's where they've always been."
"Why aren't they downstairs?"
"Sorry ma'am I don't know, I didn't design the building."
"That's illegal, what if you're disabled?"
"We have disabled toilets."
"And how are disabled people meant to get to them if they are upstairs?" 
"The disabled toilets are on the ground floor."
"Well I'm going to use the disabled toilet."
She stormed off to the disabled toilets and emerged a few minutes later. At which point she received the bitchiest look I have ever seen, from a woman in a wheel chair who was clearly waiting to use the toilet.

Later in the day we had a celebrity customer, Shirley Manson from the band Garbage. I took the food over to the table and while telling them what everything was, I did one of my crappy waiter jokes. At which point one person at the table suggested that I should have my own show at the festival. I replied with,
"No, I couldn't do that, I'd be garbage."
I am particularly proud of that. Even though she did not bat an eyelid.
Later on I stopped by the table after they were done eating.
"Did you ask for me?" I asked.
"No, not us."
"That's weird, I could have sworn I heard you call my name?"
"Sorry no."
"Weird. You must I think I'm paranoid."

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
I then walked off, once again she did not bat an eye lid at this extremely brilliant joke.

I saw a woman giving someone a palm reading. I thought she may be joking but having overheard her I realised she was not. She was very serious about the whole thing. She asked the woman if she has had trouble conceiving a child, the woman getting her palm read (the palmee) looked shocked, how did this woman know this? Does she have magical powers? I suspect she may have had trouble conceiving because she was pig ugly. She looked a bit like Pumba from the Lion King. The reader then told the palmee that she would have a child within the next ten years. She looked overjoyed. I think the palmee was so over joyed that she paid for lunch for the reader. Nice little scam if you ask me. I don't believe in palm reading, I think it's bullshit. So should you, and if you don't think it's bullshit, you're a moron. 

That being said I was willing to give it a go. I asked the woman if she would read my palm. 

She didn't seem keen.

During the rest of my shift on Friday I also saw a baby that looked like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.

A man who looked like the guy from the Scream picture.

And a man with a face like the cresent moon. He had the pointiest chin I have ever seen. He coud have had someones eye out witht hat thing! It was like he was the secret love child of Jimmy Hill and Bruce Forsyth.

Next time on The Blog Of Andy G
I take you through the highlights of the busiest Saturday Tapas Towers has ever done. Including:
  • One of the chefs singing
  • An arsehole asking about wine
  • I invent a brilliant chat up line
  • I Fall in love with a deaf girl
  • I Fall in love with a girl with magnificent boobs
  • And the death of my pen
That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

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1 comment:

  1. I thought Garbage were no more, oh well it must just be that they are now shit, that must be why she had a face on her. Well that or she was on the blob!

    Also the fat lass that didn't like where the toilets were was mistaken, Disabled toilets are now known as easy access toilets as it was thought to be discriminating calling them disabled.

    Just like calling the woman a stupid fucking lard arsed lazy bitch would also be discriminating, so I wont do that.




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