No More Tapas!!

Hi

Hows it goin?

It was one month ago today that I worked my last shift in the Tapas Towers. I feel they are owed a proper goodbye on the blog.

It was ace to work with all you guys, I hope when your reading this your not using the computer at the front desk, Big Tony is watching!!!

In all seriousness I genuinely enjoyed working in Tapas Towers and I loved working with everyone there. I got fed every day, I got tips and I didn’t have a lot of responsibility. It was awesome.

My time with you guys has clearly had an effect on me. At my current job I constantly say “cheers a lot” “Gracious a lot” I over heard one of the KP’s say “kourva mach” and I automatically said “indeed.” Also I have answered the phone at least three times by saying “good evening Tapas Towers.” Its not just at work either. I am writing this blog in the café round the corner from my flat and I came in and asked for a café con leche and didn’t even realise. The woman looked at me like I was a nutter.

I did learn a lot from my time in the tapas towers,

Never allow hairdressers in the building.

If a table of 7 asks for a free drink, DO NOT give them one shot and 7 straws.

Don’t expect the Executive chef to smile, unless he has just killed someone.

Never post a video of your self dancing like a twat on the internet.

And most importantly I learned how to do a proper seating plan in a restaurant.

Please see my diagram below.

sorry for the size of the pic. This is the largest size blogger.com will let me post.

I was going to do the famous “pollo rebazodo” song with a dance included but to be honest I can’t be bothered. I’m a busy guy ya know. I’m meant to be doing my homework right now!!!

I didn’t do the dance but I did write you guys a poem. I hope you like it.

If you can't see the video then please click here

Until Next time

Have a Nice.

Andy G

This blog was written while listening to The Killers

And I've only got two chapters left of Flash Forward Its brilliant!

The Pressures of Parenthood

Hi

How r ya?

I'll warn you in advance, this is not the usual cheery blog entry you have come to expect. This is a serious one.

I am deeply concerned for a friend of mine. My friend Richard is a top bloke, but I'm starting to think he is beginning to crack.

He is going to be a father soon, in fact at time of writing the baby is now 5 days overdue. I think the pressure of becoming a father is getting to him.

Over the past couple of months I have received several random and increasingly violent text messages from him.

Here they are listed in chronological order:

August 1st 2009 16:29

Richard: Ainslie Harriot is a fucking cunt.

Andy: True

August 3rd 2009 16:07

Richard: Fern Britton is a fucking cunt.

Andy: You seem to be abusing daytime personalities a lot lately.

August 3rd 2009 18:22

Richard: They are all cunts. Especially Gloria Hunniford. What a fucking cunt.

Andy: True

August 3rd 2009 20:24

Richard: Actually I don't mind Philip Schofield, I've heard he's all right.

August 8th 2009 11:09

Richard: "Ed Rooneys office"

(This was of course a fitting tribute to the late great John Hughes )

August 9th 2009 11:13

(in response to me getting rid of my beard)

Richard: Shame you've lost the beard. You could have kept a little hitler mustache and goose stepped around edinburgh mocking the german tourists

August 11th 2009 20:55

Richard: Its time John Leslie made a daytime TV comeback, you can't rape the willing.

August 13th 2009 19:58

Richard: You black bastard

Things then seem to settle down, I did not hear anything from him for a few weeks then I received this.

September 22nd 2009 22:03

Richard: I have just brutally murdered Vernon Kay. He deserved it.

Andy: Make sure you dispose of the body quickly.

Richard: I was thinking of putting his head on a spike as a warning to others. Will put the rest of him in the freezer next to Ainsley Harriot.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, these texts have made me smile on an otherwise dreary day. I am however concerned for the safety of his wife and his soon to be born Daughter. If anyone of you happen to see him in the street please give him a big hug!

If your interested you can read more on Richards adventures in parenthood here.

My Friend Richard is going mad,

Is it because, he’s becoming a Dad?

Don’t worry mate,

I'm sure you’ll do fine.

As a Dad you'll be Great

Just lay off the wine!

Every night for your dinner,

You’re having a curry.

It won’t make you thinner,

So tell the baby to hurry.

Until next time

have a nice

Andy G

www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com

This blog was written while listening to Fastball

on the Buses Part 5: The End........... for now! (insert evil laugh here)

Hi there

you will no doubt be happy to hear this is the final letter in my series of 5 featuring Bobs Big Bus company. All i can say is, Bob, I hope your reading this and I hope our paths cross again!

Hi Andy,

Glad you were impressed, my comments are in red.

Bob Johnson

Operations Manager

Good Day Mr Johnson,

How the hell r ya? can i call you Bob? I feel like we're quite good pals now. I am writing to you to express my most heart felt congratulations regarding

my recent bus trip to Aberdeen. I am impressed!

I was visiting the Granite City in order to inspect my new flat and dance the night away with some old friends in the local discothèque. I am sure you have been reading my blog so I will not bore you with the details.

After reading your letter I decided to give your company another try, (also I am broke and this is the cheaper option) and I am impressed! I have changed my appearance somewhat since my last bus journey and was travelling incognito, I will admit to being slightly afraid that all of your company would be on the lookout for me. Am I on your company hit list?

No Andy, no such thing, we welcome everyone on our services.

Upon Arrival to the bus station in Edinburgh I made my way to my stance (oh yeah!) and was chuffed to see the bus was already there. The bus was early!! WELL DONE! Upon boarding there was only the faintest whiff of urine, although the whiff was still in the air for the majority of the journey the odour was bliss compared to my previous trip. I was also very impressed with the passengers; there were no fat people in sight! Have you started using my scales idea?

Again, no Andy, no need to use scales.

There were numerous attractive women on the bus and at one point I actually said to myself “Andy like” One particularly attractive young woman sat in the chair to my left with her young child. I was initially worried about the child screaming the whole way there but the M.I.L.F. counteracted this fear with her hotness! And to the babies credit it was very quiet for almost the whole journey. I was also impressed with your safety procedures, a tall scary man came on and shouted to put on our seatbelts, I think everyone did so right away as they would be too afraid not to in case this man shouted again. Please do not take this the wrong way; this is excellent, as safety must always come first!

May be an opportunity here - Bobs dating agency with "on bus" introductions available from only £1. If your not happy with your first choice, feel free to amend it, all for a £1 amendment fee. Could this catch on?

The bus left exactly as scheduled and started on the first try! So far so good! Upon leaving the station we drove past something called a boogie bus, I did try and get a picture but alas I could not get my camera fast enough. This appeared to be some kind of party bus, with music and a pole dancer. Is this something you would consider? This would certainly make my bus trips to Aberdeen FAR more pleasant! Upon arrival in Dundee I noticed the young child did start to cry, this did not bother me as I almost had a similar reaction myself. When we arrived at the station it was a glorious day, the sun was shining and the girls were wearing mini skirts, it was ace. I did not even mind the bus being delayed. I sat outside and read my book (Just a Geek by Wil Wheaton in case your interested)

Maybe we could tie this in with my "Bobs bus dating agency, speed dating on the move? Possibilities Andy.............

I took the opportunity to explore the surrounding area of Dundee bus station, as I expected there is not much but I did discover this amusing coffee shop sign. The owner is either very witty or to cheap to replace the sign (I suspect it’s the latter)

As long as life is not grinding him down.........he was full of beans last time I was there...... (sorry!!)

My bus arrived in Dundee station at 12:35 and I could not believe my eyes, a double Decker!! Surely this is the stretch limo of the cross-country coaching community (how’s the for alliteration eh?) I chose to sit on the bottom level in order to secure a quick exit. I was quite concerned when a group of kids boarded and I looked like the seat next to me was going to be taken but fortunately they decided to go to the second floor. Just as well because I overheard one of them saying it’s mental at the back of the bus! Upon boarding I asked the driver when our expected arrival time in Aberdeen was and he cheerfully replied one hour and 20 minutes from departure. I was impressed at both his friendly tone and precise timing.

Good

And low and behold 1 hour and 21 minutes later we arrived in Aberdeen. Only one minute off. Brilliant! I even got two seats to myself on the bus. How cool is that? I did feel sorry for the driver when we arrived in Aberdeen, as he had to deal with all the bags himself.He was fast and efficient however and I think he should get a bonus of some kind. Also upon disembarking I noticed several bus drivers smoking in a corner, I’m not complaining about that, smoke away by all means, but I did notice they ALL had a moustache, there were about 6 of them. Is this some kind of bus driver tradition? Do you have any statistics regarding bus drivers and moustaches? I would be interested to see them.

Maybe more of an Aberdeen thing that an issue with bus drivers, keep me informed.

I have to ask, did you know I was coming? Did you lay on special treatment just for me? Was the double Decker bus a treat usually saved for celebrities? As mentioned since last time I travelled with you I shaved my head and grew a beard all to avoid recognition with yourselves. Did you see through my disguise?

Nope, all our customers are treated in this manner and we treat them all as celebrities........but you could be moving into megastar status shortly.

I would like to offer my heartiest congratulations on vastly improving your service. I hope you continue to keep this up and I hope your coaches remain urine free.

With your permission I would like to publish our correspondence in my previously mentioned blog. I realise you probably think I’m just a fool who you don’t want to give the time of day, however in all seriousness I was very angry regarding my first journey with yourselves but I am now overjoyed with your company and would like to publish the story online, I believe you come up looking better than me. You look like an intelligent and thoughtful man in charge of a respectable company, while I looking like a moaning idiot with a computer! If you wish to protect your privacy I will change your name and the name of your company. I will let you choose your own pseudonym and the name of your company, may I suggest something like Jonny Rocket and Rocketbus.com. If you can come up with something more original then I would be all ears. I look forward to hearing from you. And please do get back in touch.

Not so sure about the publication but as long as my name is changed to say, Bob and the company can be known as Bob's Big Bus. Keep it simple is my motto and I must add, I am glad we have had this exchange. I appreciate your comments. Any issues in the future, please feel free to contact me. Remember that, if you publish anything, take "CENSORED" out of anything you include please. I would like to say, I have enjoyed our exchange of views, it has been light hearted and a pleasant change for me.

Thanks again

Bob

Big Boss

Bob's Big Bus Company

And Thats all for now.

I hope you guys enjoyed my moaning.

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

This Blog was written while listening to Aerosmith

But there are no crappy amazon adverts on this blog entry because it wasn't working.

Never mind,

buy something from Amazon thru this site, i need the money!

On the Buses Part 4: Congratulations Bob

Hi

How ya doin?

hungover yesterday??? yeah me too.

Here is Part 4 of 5, of my correspondence with Big Bob of Bobs Big Bus Company.

Good Day Mr Johnson,

How the hell r ya? can i call you Bob? I fell we are quite good pals now! I am writing to you to express my most heart felt congratulations regarding my recent bus trip to Aberdeen. I am impressed!

I was visiting the Granite City in order to inspect my new flat and dance the night away with some old friends in the local discothèque. I am sure you have been reading my blog so you know I like to dance. I will not bore you with the details. After reading your letter I decided to give your company another try, (also I am broke and this is the cheaper option) and I am impressed! I have changed my appearance somewhat since my last bus journey and was traveling incognito, I will admit to being slightly afraid that all of your company would be on the lookout for me. Am I on your company hit list?

Upon Arrival to the bus station in Edinburgh I made my way to my stance (oh yeah!)

and was chuffed to see the bus was already there. The bus was early!! WELL DONE! Upon boarding there was only the faintest whiff of urine, although the whiff was still in the air for the majority of the journey the odour was bliss compared to my previous trip. I was also very impressed with the passengers; there were no fat people in sight! Have you implemented my scales idea?

There were numerous attractive women on the bus and at one point I actually said to myself “Andy like!” One particularly attractive young woman sat in the chair to my left with her young child. I was initially worried about the child screaming the whole way there but the M.I.L.F. counteracted this fear with her hotness! And to the babies credit it was very quiet for almost the whole journey. I was also impressed with your safety procedures, a tall scary man came on and shouted to put on our seatbelts, I think everyone did so right away as they would be too afraid not to in case this man shouted again. Please do not take this the wrong way; this is excellent, as safety must always come first!

The bus left exactly as scheduled and started on the first try! So far so good! Upon leaving the station we drove past something called a boogie bus, I did try and get a picture but alas I could not get my camera fast enough. This appeared to be some kind of party bus, with music and a pole dancer. Is this something you would consider? This would certainly make my bus trips to Aberdeen FAR more pleasant! Upon arrival in Dundee I noticed the young child did start to cry, this did not bother me as I almost had a similar reaction myself. When we arrived at the station it was a glorious day, the sun was shining and the girls were wearing mini skirts, it was ace. The second coach was delayed slightly but I didn’t even mind! I sat outside in the sunshine and read my book (Just a Geek: By Wil Wheaton in case your interested)

I took the opportunity to explore the surrounding area of Dundee bus station, as I expected there is not much but I did discover this amusing coffee shop sign

The owner is either very witty or too cheap to replace the sign (I suspect it’s the latter)

My bus arrived in Dundee station at 12:35 and I could not believe my eyes,

a Double Decker!!

Surely this is the stretch limo of the cross-country coaching community (how’s the for alliteration eh?) Upon boarding I asked the driver when our expected arrival time in Aberdeen was and he cheerfully replied one hour and 20 minutes from departure. I was impressed at both his friendly tone and precise timing. I chose to sit on the bottom level in order to secure a quick exit. I was quite concerned when a group of kids boarded and it looked like the seat next to me was going to be taken by a teenie bopper hoodie with an asbo, but fortunately they all decided to go to the second floor. Just as well because I overheard one of them saying it’s mental at the back of the bus!

And low and behold 1 hour and 21 minutes later we arrived in Aberdeen. Only one minute off. Brilliant! I even got two seats to myself on the bus. How cool is that? I did feel sorry for the driver when we arrived in Aberdeen, as he had to deal with all the bags himself. He was fast and efficient however and I think he should get a bonus of some kind. Also upon disembarking I noticed several bus drivers smoking in a corner, I’m not complaining about that, smoke away by all means, but I did notice they ALL had a moustache, there were about 6 of them. Is this some kind of bus driver tradition? In your previous letter you mentioned not wanting to force staff to have sensible haircuts, is it policy that all drivers must have a moustache? Is this why the young guy with the red hair was not the driver? No moustache means you can’t be a driver? Do you have any statistics regarding bus drivers and moustaches? I would be interested to see them.

I have to ask, did you know I was coming? Did you lay on special treatment just for me? Was the Double Decker bus a treat usually reserved for celebrities? As mentioned since last time I traveled with you I shaved my head and grew a beard all to avoid recognition with yourselves. Did you see through my disguise?

I would like to offer my heartiest congratulations on vastly improving your service. I hope you continue to keep this up and I hope your coaches remain urine free. With your permission I would like to publish our correspondence in my blog. I realise you probably think I’m just a fool who you don’t want to give the time of day, however in all seriousness I was very angry regarding my first journey with yourselves but I am now overjoyed with your company and would like to publish the story online, I believe you come up looking better than me. You look like an intelligent and thoughtful man in charge of a respectable company while I looking like a moaning idiot with a computer! If you wish to protect your privacy I will change your name and the name of your company. I will let you choose your own pseudonym and the name of your company, may I suggest something like Jonny Rocket and Rocket Bus.com! If you can come up with something more original then I would be all ears. I look forward to hearing from you. And please do get back in touch.

Kind Regards

Andy Graham

Thats all for now

Until Next Time

Have a Nice

Andy G

www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com

This blog was written while listening to The 88

And I am still not finished Flash Forward

on the Buses Part 3: The Wrath Of Andy

Hi how r ya?

here is part 3 of my correspondence with Big Bob of Big Bobs Bus Company.

Good Afternoon Mr Johnson,

Its Mr Graham here, I would first of all like to thank you for your letter dated 13^th July 2009. (reference IL/MBPC/09-006). You stated that you read my letter several times? Was your bus delayed also?

I would like to respond to some of the points you raised. I would like to state that my original letter was written while I was on the bus and quite angry at the whole experience and your company in general. Because of this I may of come off as slightly harsh and I do apologise for that. That being said I do stand by all my comments. However I do believe you may have misinterpreted a couple of them. I would not expect you to discourage people from holidaying in Dundee, the city does a good enough job of that itself. I was simply expressing my anger at being forced to spend time in a city I do not enjoy, through no fault of my own and with no explanation of why I had been abandoned there.

I also was not criticizing your staff’s multi coloured haircuts, I was simply using the best possible means to describe them so you could investigate this matter further. If I said “some chubby bloke with a yellow vest” this would have been accurate yet insulting and could potentially cover a great deal of your staff. I am not one to make fun of anyone’s hair cut. I once dyed my hair blonde and more recently have drastically altered my own hair style which may be something I will come to regret. (if you are interested in this, you can read more at my blog www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com) I also never said that any of your staff were “scum.” And I would not expect you to get any employee or potential employee to sign a contract stating they were not “scum.” Surely you are professional enough to judge that for yourself at an interview stage?

With regards to the breakdown, I am aware that all vehicles are subject to breakdown, My anger was that no explanation was offered and further delays were experienced down the line, and again no explanation was offered. The replacement coach did arrive in Edinburgh but it was not in what I would call a “very short period of time” it was approximately 39 minutes after the bus initially broke down. I know this because I watched another episode of “30 Rock" on my i phone, episode one was 19 minutes and episode two was 20 minutes. It was several minutes after finishing episode 2 that we were moved to the replacement coach. I would not count this as a “very short period of time. “

I will retract my comments about the age of the driver, there was no need for this and I hope he continues to do well in your company in is remaining years. If you could give me his address I would be happy to post him a packet of werthers originals. I would like to say if it had been a relation of mine, then yes I most definitely would be making flippant comments. I quite often make fun of my family for all the incredibly stupid things they do. This may be why I am not invited to family gatherings.

Thank you for your explanation of a stance, I am Scottish but this was not covered when I did higher English all those years ago. I am grateful you have educated me in this and I hope it comes up in a pub quiz shortly.

Regarding the fat man, yes I was discriminating against him, but if you saw him I am confident you would agree with me. It is his own fault he is so fat and he should have to suffer the consequences, why should I suffer because he thought an all you can eat buffet was a challenge?? I am aware that in some cases it is genetic & these people are forced with a terrible affliction that can ruin their lives. However as I understand the statistics, that would only account for 2% of the obese population of the planet. I very much doubt this gentleman is in that group. I could be wrong, if you can get in touch with him to check, I will gladly offer a full apology and take him out for a salad. I do agree with the point you made in your letter, you cannot refuse people access to your vehicles because I deem them overweight, perhaps there could be some sort of scales before boarding? Or possibly get some larger seats in your coach’s to accommodate these “larger people.”
Next, on to the drunken Glasweigans, I most certainly would not like “the ideals of free choice to be removed from society” (nicely put by the way). I don’t care if people from Glasgow are holidaying in Dundee. What irritated me was the fact they appeared to get on the bus for free, they were clearly intoxicated, and were generally loud, obnoxious and offensive to both my ears and my nostrils.

With regards to my calling your customers “scum.” I of course was not referring to all your customers, as you stated in your letter over 10 million people have travelled with you in the UK alone. But come on!! You’ve seen some of them haven’t you? I would presume that as operations manager of Bobs Big Bus Company you have travelled on your own buses? Would you honestly tell me that your experience was enjoyable? Why don’t you take a coach trip (you must get a good discount) from London to Aberdeen, and see some of the people who are getting on your coach’s? See what happens when you try to get an explanation about a delay? And if your brave enough try and take the trip without taking an air freshener with you! I believe it may open your eyes a little. You are correct when you say that personal statements about people I do not know is indeed a cheap and easy dig, in this case it was also accurate.

I would like to thank you for your letter, clearly you put some thought into it and I appreciate that. I would like you to know that I understand where your coming from. I have worked as a restaurant manager, for several years and have to deal with the public on a daily basis, it’s awful! The public truly are a bunch of twats! I realise you may get letters of complaint quite often and have to deal with less than pleasant people regularly, and believe me I know how you feel. In the past I have had to reply to letters of complaint and the vast majority of them don’t even make sense!! Sadly I was forced to swallow my pride, and apologise to the customer and offer some form of compensation. You have not chosen to do that. That’s Awesome! It must be quite liberating to have that kind of freedom. I would like to think that you would be understanding enough to realise that both my previous letter and this one were sent by an angry man who was very disappointed in your service. I think that deep down you must agree with me on some of my points?? I would like you to know that I’m not a completely miserable bastard. I don’t spend my time writing letters to companies complaining all the time. In fact just the other day I wrote a letter to Red Bull telling them how awesome I think there drink is. I am a great believer in Karma and I hope that after my correspondence with yourself, the Red Bull letter will balance me out.

I will consider re using Bobs Big Bus Company, in the future, however I would like to think you would at least consider a couple of things I have suggested. I was hoping you could at least install better air conditioning so the next time someone who offends the nostrils onboard your bus there can be some form of relief.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the matters I raised.

Kind Regards

Andy Graham

Thats all for now

Part 4 "Congratulations Bob" will be online in a couple of days!

Until next time

Have a Nice

Andy G

This blog was written while listening to @#%&*! Smilers By Aimee Mann

I'm Nearly finished my book!