Friendly Friday: Jonny Mountain

Hi

Hows it goin?

When I wrote 101 Fun things you probably didn't know about Andy G, some of you may have noticed, 

Number 77: Andy G has a friend who can only pee primary one style.

That friend is the legend that is Jonny Mountain!

The above photo was taken on one of our camping trips. I should point out it wasn't just Jonny and I on the camping trips and I didn't ask him to pose for the above picture, that would be weird.

Jonny has been present on many of my drunken adventures including several camping trips, Mark's home stag, Marks away stag, he was the best man at Marks wedding, and we once rocked Chicago Rock. Altho I can't really remember how.

Jonny is also a cast member in my film, he had the honour of naming his character.

A Poem For Jonny

I usually call him Jonny Be Good,

That's because he's a really cool dude.

He's got a part in my movie, 

a bar man called Bob.

His acting is groovy,

that's why he got the job.

Here's a video I made featuring Jonny from one of our camping trips!

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."


If you do subscribe then I will send you a framed picture of Jonny doing a primary one pee

Friendly Friday: Alice

Hi

Hows it goin?

Since I talked about Kev last week I thought it was only fair I should mention his future Bride, Alice.

Alice is the one on the right.

Alice has the dancing skills of a professional dancer on speed. 

She's almost as good as me.

When we were at Mark and Kim's wedding, Alice and I ruled the dance floor. 

Alice is also the person who said the infamous line,

"is that a sausage cheese?" 

I still don't know what that is. 

Maybe it will be served at her and Kev's wedding.

They will have to run it by me first tho, seeing as I am the Master of Ceremonies! 

All decisions go through me! 

A poem for Alice

Her names Alice and she's got some dance moves,

she hits the dance floor, 

like a criminal who's smooth.

She once asked me, is that a sausage cheese?

Can you tell me, what that is please?

Alice works in hair and beauty,

I hope at her wedding I get me a cutie.

I Scoured the internet to find a suitable video to sum up Alice. I didn't want to be too obvious and have "Who the fuck is Alice?" 

I thought about putting on a wedding video, and then I found this.

It's only very loosely related to weddings and has nothing to do with Alice but I thought it was good.

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

Subscription to The Blog Of Andy G is a recommended part of a healthy diet.

On the Buses Episode I The Phantom Moaner

Hi

How r ya? Hope all is cool with you!

A few months ago I was lucky enough to be invited to Mark & Kim's wedding in Aberdeen, I was living in Edinburgh at the time so forced to take the Bus so I could attend the stag parties and the wedding itself. I do not enjoy taking the bus, and this I had such a shitty bus journey I wrote a letter of complaint to the company! I've never written a letter of complaint before but I was so pissed off I felt I had to. I was ideally looking for my money back because I am so poor, sadly that didn't happen but i did enjoy my correspondence with the company and over the next few days i will share that with you!

So here is my initial letter. Enjoy.

To Whom it May Concern,

Good day. I am sorry to say that I am writing to you to express my extreme disappointment in your service.

Upon hearing the news that my good friend Mark proposed to his long term girlfriend, I was overcome with joy. This would mean a stag do and a wedding. The date was set for June 20^th 2009. I immediately booked time off work and made arrangements for somewhere to stay in Aberdeen. As funds are a bit tight at the moment I decided that bus was the most financially viable way to travel. I decided that the Bobs Big Bus Company would be the best option as they are both big and cheap. This is a decision I have come to regret. I booked a ticket on the 13:35 bus to Aberdeen. This was the most suitable time for me to travel as I am an incredibly lazy man and I am not good in the mornings!

Upon arrival at Edinburgh bus station I was surprised to discover that there was no bus on the departure screen heading to Aberdeen. I asked an incredibly grumpy man wearing a bright yellow Bobs Big Bus vest what bus I should get. He told me the Dundee bus and change there. I then mosied along to the stance (what is a stance anyway? Surely it is a stand or a stop) where the bus was and patiently waited to embark. This did take a while as the driver appeared to be 300 years old. I eventually boarded the coach, took my seat and to pass the time started watching a video on my i-phone, (it was an episode of the awesome 30 Rock, incase you’re interested) it was very entertaining, so much so in fact that after its 20 minute running time I looked out the window expecting to see some of the glorious architecture that fills our nations capital. I was amazed to discover we had not left the bus station. So when I looked out the window I saw what looked like a tramp convention. The driver seemed to be struggling to get the bus started. This may have something to do with him being from the middle ages and more used to driving a horse and cart. A Red haired man (and I mean red, it was dyed bright red, why would you do that?) then came on the bus and said there were technical difficulties and we would be on the way within 5 minutes. I was already concerned at this point. If the bus isn’t starting on the first 17 attempts then why the hell would anyone want to drive it to another city. What if we break down or crash and have to eat each other like in that film Alive ??

What felt like an hour later the red haired man came on and told us we were moving to another coach. When we moved onto the other coach there appeared to be no one checking tickets and everyone just piled on. The red haired man did do a head count, but I have reason to doubt his numeracy skills as there was a family of 3 rather drunken Glaswegians sitting in front of me who said, “ Just shut up and he won’t notice us.”

By this point I was slightly annoyed at the delay but I accept that these things happen. We then spent what seemed like a month sitting in the station and then the worst happened. An incredibly fat man came on and sat next to me. I pretended to be asleep but this did not work. This guy was massive, he took up half of my seat! I do not think this is very fair, if you are not of a reasonable size then you should have to buy two tickets. Why should a fat person get half of my seat space? I was tempted to ask him to pay half my fare. Also he did not smell nice. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not the kind of guy who goes around smelling people for fun, but you could smell this guy a mile off. At first I thought it was some kind of chemical weapon attack. He farted about 20 minutes into the journey and I’m sure I felt the whole bus shake. Once the journey started, I am sorry to say it did not improve. The Drunken Glaswegians would not shut up, they kept singing. They seemed to be quite happy that they were going on holiday, god knows why as they appeared to be holidaying in Dundee.

I must say though, they did have most impressive luggage. They had a red chuppa chups case. I am impressed that chuppa chups have expanded their business model beyond lollipops and into the luggage industry. This is a bold move given the current economic climate and I wish them all the best.

I was incredibly relieved to get off the bus when we finally arrived at Dundee, the stench was becoming unbearable and I am fairly certain the drunken Glaswegians had collectively wet themselves.

Upon arrival at Dundee I was annoyed about being late but incredibly grateful to discover that the Aberdeen bus would be here at 16:10. The current time was 16:05 and I was glad not to be spending any time in the city of discovery, the only thing I would like to discover is a faster way out. 16:10 came and then the bus disappeared from the departures screen but never physically appeared in the station. Do you have invisible buses? I would be surprised if the bus industry has access to such advanced technology. Around 16:30 a bus appeared and a man with multi coloured hair (what is it with your company and hair colour, this guy had red, green, blond and blue) shouted “first 20 tickets for Aberdeen, next bus will be here in 25 minutes” and then he went for a fag.

This caused an outrage amongst my fellow passenger who had been waiting for over half an hour. It was like those seats were the lifeboats on the Titanic! That’s how desperate people were to get out of Dundee!

It was at 16:45 when a bus eventually arrived to take the rest of us to Aberdeen. I was happy to see the bus would not be full so I could put my feet up but I was nearly sick when I boarded the coach due to the overwhelming STENCH of urine. I looked around for the Glaswegian family but they were nowhere to be found. It was minging!

The point in getting this bus was to get to Aberdeen before 5 pm. I had dinner reservations at 5:30 which I could not make, we could not reschedule as there were plans for later on that evening. I was forced to survive on quarter pounder with cheese from Mcdonalds as there was no time to eat for the rest of the evening. I have a friend who is a frequent user of your bus’s and quite often praises you for being cheap yet still efficient. I must say I disagree with her and next time I travel I will be taking the train. Throughout my entire journey no explanation or apology was offered and to be honest that would have been enough. I over heard someone ask the striped hair man in Dundee about the next bus he just then repeated in a louder voice ”it’ll be here in 25 minutes”. May I suggest you encourage your staff to communicate better with the public. Having observed some of your customers I realize this may not be easy as they are what I would describe as “scum.” May I also suggest you put up a sign asking all passengers to shower and use the toilet before embarking on the bus. (although not at the same time) It really was minging. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter. I should let you know I will be writing about this experience in my online blog. (Check it out at www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com) This is read by at least 6 people a week and I would like to think you would take all my comments on the chin and respond to me in a positive manner. I (and my 6 readers) eagerly await your response.

Kind Regards

Andy G

Part II : The Wrath Of Big Bob will be online in a couple of days.

Until Next time

Have a nice

Andy G

This Blog was written while listening to Huey Lewis & the News

They Rock! 80's style!

And just in case anyone is interested I am still reading Flash Forward by Robert J. Sawyer

It's a very good read.

There goes the bride!

Fit likey.
It's the day after the wedding. I am graphically unwell( I don't even
know what that means) here is a rundown if how the day went as best I
can remember.
Bacon butties & beer!
Service sponsored by the Scottish parliment & god.
Off to the hotel, champagne champagne champagne beer beer beer beer
beer photos beer beer beer beer line up shakin hands beer beer wine
wine wine wine wine speeches andy asks " is there more wine?" wine
wine wine wine dance badly with alice wine wine beer beer beer beer
wine walkin on sunshine dance like a nutter wine wine dance dance
dance wine wine beer beer beer beer dance with marks mum dance vodka
vodka watch topless men dance vodka vodka tell Jonny how much I love
him! Vodka vodka check out autons mum vodka vodka steal a blond wig
bus to town sing song espionage vodka vodka vomit vomit vodka vodka
forum beer beer flash lots of people try singing closing time by
semisonic but change words to " closing time so fuck off" beer beer
beer casino vodka vodka try to gamble can't find seat vodka vodka pie
shop taxi! Wake up kevs house irn bru toad in hole nap
Pretty decent day

here comes the bride

Bonjourno

Im getting old, I seem to be at that age when people are getting married and having babies. It’s very strange. I have 2 weddings this year and in the past 12 months several friends have had a baby or announced they are having one. I have Mark and Kims wedding on Saturday which I’m really looking forward to. Its gonna be a crackin day. Sadly I don’t see my mates in Aberdeen a lot as I’m constantly working or leaving the country so gonna make the most of my time there. It won’t be long till im back there full time as a student tho.

Weddings are a strange thing. There are lots of various roles to be filled. During the stag do a couple of us asked mark if we had a role in the wedding, he said no as he saw us as “the Drinkers” this was fine by me the less I have to do the better!

I did start thinking about what jobs were actually going

I don’t know much about weddings, I know they cost a lot of money, people usually get far too drunk and dance like morons( I plan on doing this on Saturday) but I don’t know much else

What roles are there in a wedding,?

these are a few of the titles I have heard mentioned in the past or seen in films.

The Bride ( not Uma Therman)

The woman getting married, usually the more responsible one out of the couple. Her main job seems to be to stress about every little detail, she has to make sure she looks better than everyone else in the room and scare the best man into making sure the groom arrives at the wedding in tact.

The Groom

The bloke getting married. The grooms job seems to be the easiest, he turns up says I do, usually gets too drunk and moans about how much everything cost.

Best man

The grooms best mate, he is the most important man in any wedding. That’s why he is called the BEST man, out of all the men there, he is considered to be the best, he organises the most important part of any wedding, the Stag do He gets the groom very drunk, holds on to the rings and hopefully tells a very funny speech

Maid of honour

The female equivalent of a best man, she organises the hen night. Having witnessed dozens of hen nights in various restaurants I can safely say these are quite dull in comparison to stag do’s. They always start out all nice and talking about shoes and hair and all that other girly crap and then they get all bitchy and end up screaming at the poor restaurant manager who just wants them to leave!(sorry I may have went off topic a bit then) I don’t think they give a speech, and I don’t know what they do on the day, probably something to do with shoes. Traditionally they should shag the best man, if the best man is already married then they should shag the drunkest friend of the groom.(hopefully me)

Bridesmaids,

I dunno what there job is, as far as I can tell its just to hang around the bride usually in some minging dress and shag one of the grooms mates.(again hopefully me)

Ushers

I think these guys are supposed to tell people where to sit, this sounds like the shittest job if you ask me, its like one of those guys in the cinema who walks about with a torch. And usually its just are you with the bride or groom, the brides friends and family go on one side and the grooms go on the other. How hard is that to figure out? Essentially I think they are being taken advantage of. I think some bloke hundreds of years ago thought of a way to save a few bucks on the wedding day. he thought instead of paying people to show guests where to go he would just ask a couple of his mates to do it and give them a title, sounds a bit odd to me.

Groomsmen,

I have no idea what these guys do, I think they walk the bridesmaids down the isle, but I don’t know why the bridesmaids walk down the isle, is it just to show off? Are they just eye candy? So then would that make the groomsmen eye candy for the eye candy? I don’t know

Page boy

I have no idea what a page boy does, I remember going to a family wedding as a kid and my cousin was a page boy, I don’t know what he did, presumably turn pages on some kind of book. How lazy do you have to be that you can’t turn a fucken page?

Its all quite strange.

Wedding lists are something that’s also quite weird

I do understand why they exist. But anytime I give someone a present I like it to be something that I have put thought into, just ask any of my old staff. I like to give something unique that I have put time into thinking about and went to trouble to get. I suppose it does make sense to have a list tho. This way when the happy couple get round to opening there presents they will have something they actually want and not a bean bag with a picture of me on it. For Mark and Kims wedding I checked out there list. I thought it best to stick to it as several years ago I bought them a cushion with a picture of me on it. They did not seem to appreciate the gift and it has since disappeared. I wanted to get them something special that they would enjoy for a long time to come. After reading through the wedding list on john lewis.com I settled on a saucepan. I can only assume it’s the greatest sauce pan on the market as it cost 40 quid. Maybe it comes with a years supply of sauce. The website allows you to put a message along with the gift but only a certain number of characters, its like twitter for gifts. After several drafts I settled on “I hope you enjoy your saucepan” I think it was simple and to the point. Much like myself.

Weddings are always great fun. When my cousin got married about 5 years ago my dad was the classic “drunken uncle” at the wedding, the reception was in a marquee and after several beers dad headed off in search of the bathroom, when he found it he discovered he would be at the back of a very large queue. So dad being the genius that he is he thought he’d just nip round the back of the marquee and relieve himself there. However it was a very sunny day and around 100 guests were treated to the silhouette of my dad peeing against the side of a marquee. Its quite scary that are parents area a vision of what we may one day become.

The last wedding I went to was Richard and Lorraine in 2006, that was a great day. a great few days in fact. The reception was great fun, they had personalised M & M’s on the table which I thought was awesome, Kev the best man did an awesome speech which I helped with( I held giant comedy cue cards) and we danced the night away at a welsh ceildh. By the end of the day more than one of the previously mentioned tradition’s were fulfilled.

It was a brilliant day and I’m sure Mark & Kims wedding will equal or better it in levels of awesomeness.

The next wedding for me is Paul and Sonya’s from the QE2. This should be another good one. Will be good to catch up with a few old drinking buddies from the ship days.

When Mark and Kim sent me my invite it was from them and there was a slip to fill in about my meal choice. When I received my invite for Paul and Sonya’s wedding it was from Sonya’s parents. There was no slip to fill in, it simply said R.S.V.P. by April 30^th. So I wrote them a very nice letter.

Dear Mr & Mrs Naylor,

Thank you for your invitation to the marriage of your daughter, Sonya Marie Naylor, to the drunkard that is Paul David Riley. I am writing to you with good news and bad news, which do you want first?

I’m hoping you said the bad news first, as that is what I am going to give you. If you wish to get the good news first then please skip ahead to the next paragraph. And then return here. OK ready??? Here we go. The BAD news is that Mr Adam Poole, one of the founding fathers of the drinking team and drunkard extraordinaire, sadly will not be in attendance. He is returning to a life at sea, and will be on a cruise ship somewhere attempting to sell art to a bunch of freeloaders who turn up to auctions just to get free champagne (I don’t blame them I would do the same) He does send his apologies and wishes the happy couple all the best for the future. To be honest it is just as well he is not coming as he would no doubt drink far too much and fall asleep on a table by half past 7.

Now for the GOOD NEWS, it is with great delight that on behalf of myself (Andy G) and Mr Jonny “Torpedo” Hemy that we are RSVPing with an absolute YES! (Is RSVPing a word? I think it is, if its not it should be) we are both very much looking forward to it. Now if you did read this paragraph first so you can read the good news before the bad news then please go back to the previous paragraph.

Jon and myself will most definitely be in attendance at both the wedding and the reception, Kilts in all. May I also thank you for your most informative information sheet that accompanied your invitation, I am impressed. We are planning on staying at the Sheraton where the reception is being held, as we will most likely get too drunk to find our way back to anywhere else. Also, if we pull anyone it will be much handier, I assume you have invited large amounts of attractive single women, please inform them to form an orderly queue and myself and Jon will be glad to dance with all of them throughout the evening.

I am sure you have seen the movie QE2 Reloaded to which both your daughter and future son in law feature; well now you get the thrill of meeting two of the founding fathers of the drinking team. How exciting for you. I’m sure it will make your day. Jon and I are equally excited to meet you. I have attached a photo featuring the 2 of us so you can remember what we look like. (I’m the good looking one on the left). Regarding the reception, is it possible to put in my musical requests now? I would especially like to hear 500 miles by The Proclaimers, Everybody by the Blues Brothers and of course, Walkin on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. In the past I have been described as a “dancing machine” and look forward dancing the night away with many of the previously mentioned attractive single women.

I realise this letter was a tad long for an rsvp to a wedding and the majority of people will simply write back saying “ill be there” or “ sorry I can’t come” but I had a day off and nothing else to do and this letter has kept me occupied for about 45 minutes, fortunately the pub has now opened so I must depart.

Until September

Be Cool, Like Fonzie

Kind Regards

The Drinking Team

Andy G, Jonny “Torpedo” Hemy, & Adam “The Fool” Poole

I have yet to hear anything else from Mr and Mrs Naylor or Paul & Sonya, I hope our invitation still stands..

A Poem about weddings

Get down the isle and say I do

Then we all party, you know you want to.

We’ll have a great night, it’ll be crackin

Ill be dancing so much I might do my back in.

I spot the bridesmaid, who I’m taking to bed

She’s a bit of a minger, I'll put a bag on her head