Some more reviews of my book

Hi

How's it goin? 

Book sales are now at a whopping 34!

Again though I will say that I did email over 300 people and I am very disappointed in the rest of you. If you wrote a book I'd buy it. Honest.

So dear reader, to entice you to buy a copy, I thought I would share some of the more recent reviews with you.

My old school mate Debbie sent me this text.

For more information on Debbie feel free to read 101 things you  probably didn't know about Andy G, and check out number 102.

My old shipmate Mia, who already wrote a review, sent me a second comment.

Sarah who worked with me at Vincents had this to say.

You should check out Sarahs website at www.SarahCoonan.com  She is very talented and you should buy one of her ceramics, or two. Or three. I did try to check out photo ghost but couldn't find it. So I don't know what it is. I can only assume it is some kind of spooky photographer.

Joyce also used to work for me at Vincents, I wrote for her the greatest reference ever written. I also once wrote a song about her. So buying my book was the least she could do.

My old shipmate Helen had this to say 

All the facebook hype has caused another old school mate, Clara, to invest in a copy.

Look at what these wonderful people have to say. How can you not want to buy my book now? It only costs £5.99! (plus postage and packaging) 

So surf your interwebs over to www.RandomAndom.com and buy the book that might just change your life!*

*This book is not guaranteed to change your life in anyway except to take up some time by reading some hilarious writing.

If you have bought my book, then I thank you, please let me know what you think of it. My next book will be a collaboration with the incredibly talented Diana Leto, hopefully I'll be able to tell you more about that soon. After that I have a couple of other ideas for books I'd like to do, both of which will be very different to Fifty Envelopes. But we shall see. In the meantime I really should be concentrating on my school work.

On that note, I better run, I have homework to do.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then you will be one of the first to know when my next book is available, and you might even get it cheaper.

The Stuff of Legend!

Happy sunday to ya.

Unless your not reading this on sunday in which case please replace sunday with whatever day it happens to be.

Something Awesome happened the other day. I had a 2 hour break at work so decided to come home to eat as I am losing the will to live eating Tapas every day!! When I got home there was a bright blue envelope waiting for me. I noticed the Aberdeen postmark in the corner and thought it was a late birthday card or an invite to yet another wedding. I was amazed to discover this

How cool is this? a card with a scuba diving duck! somebody obviously knows me well!

I was already chuffed but then I read what was written inside

How cool is that???

I AM A LEGEND!!! like Will Smith! except not black. This has put me in an exceptionally good mood. The card comes courtesy of Joyce, who I wrote the reference for. This is possibly one of the nicest (and most accurate) things anyone has ever said about me!

So thank you Joyce there was no need for the card but it made my day. To show my appreciation I made you this!

If you can't see the video then stop reading this on face book and click here.

I hope you enjoy.

Until next time

Have a nice

Andy G

www.AndyGblog.com

The Place to be seen.....

Alright?

How was your weekend? Did u drink too much again? You have a bit of a problem.

I have discovered that a lot more people than I realised have been reading this blog. Bloody hell you guys must be really fucken bored! Anyway to protect people’s privacy I will occasionally change the name of the people I am referencing. If you have a preference for your pseudonym then please let me know.

So I’m just back from my trip to the deen. It was ace, after a surprisingly pleasant bus journey ( I got a double decker, also known as the stretch limo of the bus world)

First act of business was to check out my new flat, its about 20 minutes from city centre, im not going to give you the exact address because you might be a crazy stalker who wants to come round, peel off my skin and wear it to your birthday. Here’s my new front door, and thats all the info you will get out of me!

The flat is one of several hundred owned by the real estate queen of Aberdeen, Deardrie. (also known as the crazy flower lady in the restaurant) it’s small but it’ll do. The Kitchen is quite small but that’s not a problem because I’m not much of a chef. The problem is I don’t know where im going to put all my dvd’s!! I do not like throwing out anything and im not sure how im gonna fit all my stuff into this flat.

I’m moving all my stuff in, in a couple of weeks, anyone who is free on Sunday august 9^th if you give me a hand you will be rewarded with Beer and the finest take away pizza domino’s has to offer.

Then went to my parents house, I am sure it is shrinking. I haven’t lived there in several years but I remember it being bigger. Went for a run, my dad asked if I was running to the chipper, he does not read the blog so in his mind this was a very original joke,(just not very funny) My Mum made steak pie which was awesome and then I headed into town. My folk’s house is miles away from town but luckily my mum was heading to church (by church I mean bingo, she goes a lot, she has a problem)

I got dropped off at my mates house where we started the night, the way EVERY Saturday night should start, with beer and Doctor Who. My friend is a part time geek, he’s not quite at my level but give him time. We were planning on heading to town as soon as doctor who finished but we both still had half a beer to finish, this led to watching Top Gear and having another beer. Fearing our friends would be angrily waiting for us we left half way thru top gear and headed to the pub. We were around 45 minutes late and we were still the first there. I was quite annoyed, we could have finished watching Top Gear! We started in the old hogs head. It hasn’t been called the hogs head in about 10 years but we still call it that. There were beers galore and the banter was flowing, after a few beers we decided to head to the club where our friend is general manager, it was his birthday and felt we should join him for a birthday drink. He was working so we had the drink for him. It was here I bumped into an old friend of mine. I had not seen her in a couple of years and she seemed to want to escape some bloke who was chatting her up. We went out side for a cigarette, I suddenly remembered I don’t smoke so just tried to blend in with the smokers and look cool. The banter was in full swing and she mentioned she had been reading the blog. She even suggested a new name (something no one else has, bastards) It was quite good, I promised her If I use it I’d buy her a drink. We wandered off together and the next morning I woke up in Portlethen. (a tiny village about 10 miles away). After parting ways with my lady friend I realised I had no idea how to get back to Aberdeen. I asked a woman at the bus stop what time the next bus was and she looked terrified. This may be because there was a strange bearded man smelling of beer talking to her. They don’t like city boys out there!

I eventually got back to my folks house around 1 ish, my dad was good enough to cook me a bacon sandwich, I ate half of it, vomited a bit, then finished the sandwich. I started thinking about all this exercise im doing. There’s no need, ill just vomit after a meal, its genius. I wonder if there’s a name for this diet? After finishing my sandwich I had a well earned nap, unfortunately I slept a bit later than I meant to and missed my dinner reservation with Althea and Ivano. Never mind.

Had some pasta then headed into town to meet up with the restaurant staff. I was still hungover from the night before so I started slowly, with a diet coke and then a red bull before I mustered up the courage to order a beer. Lately I can’t seem to handle my drink, I only had a few beers on sat night with the guys but I was quite drunk. I blame this on lack of sleep and not my lack of drinking ability. Anyway once one of the owners turned up I was not allowed to be such a wimp. She is a tough negotiator and managed to get a decent deal out of the manager for cheap cocktails. We were in revolution which I have not liked in the past, the food and service is almost always shit but the location is good. I was quite impressed with this button.

Althea was disappointed to discover it was for the outside heaters and not a marital aid.

So it was cocktail after cocktail and Althea was getting drunker and drunker. It was great to see some of the old staff again. Joyce was there and seemed chuffed about her reference. And Fingers, one of the barman came along, a few weeks ago there was talk of us moving in together but I have decided I want to live on my own. I can’t be arsed living with people any more, I don’t want to wait for the shower in the morning, I don’t want to clean up someone else’s mess in the kitchen so I can cook my dinner. Plus I am a miserable git so I don’t think I’d be very pleaseant to live with, and I want to run around my house naked.

The night started off slow but eventually a lot of people turned up including one girl who I think was called vagina!

After revolution we all moved to Enigma, some of the staff were already there because they said they couldn’t afford to drink in revolution. I didn’t notice the difference in price but I did notice the difference in music, It was awesome. It appeared to be 80’s night in enigma and I was loving it, among my favourites played were “you can call me Al” and “we didn’t start the fire” by billy joel. I was loving it. A few people couldn’t hack the pace and went home to bed where the rest of us took the party to espionage. It was £2.5 for a cocktail before midnight, we go there around 11:30 and it was dead. It still took about 15 minutes to get a bloody drink. I think this may have been a cunning plan in order to sell us one cheap cocktail and by the time we’ve finished it they are more expensive. Clever. Either that or the bar maid was shit!

it was empty but that didn't stop Althea from wanting to dance

One of the waitress's was impressed with the female budda

After a while the club started to get semi busy so there was a bit of an atmosphere, I had a bit of a boogie and then noticed some kind of disturbance with my drinking buddies at the bar. I mosied on over to investigate and here’s what I gather happened. One of the restaurant staff turned up and demanded the manager who was out with us, go to the restaurant and get her wages. What a bitch! It’s 1 am on a Sunday night, there is no one in the restaurant and she knows that. She could have picked them up yesterday or probably even earlier that day or even the next day, but she demanded that someone go and get them.

Now I admit I had a couple of beers in me by this point and it is very possible I got the wrong end of the stick and this is all just a big mix up. But I don’t think so. I am going to return to work at the restaurant soon and I sincerely hope this girl will be fired before then. The two managers who were out with us went back to the restaurant and this clearly upset some people. So a direct message to this girl!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

It’s a fucken night out and you come along and demand your wages, fuck off!

Now as I said there is a chance I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick and if so, ermmm sorry for calling you a bitch, I’m sure you’re a lovely person really, and I look forward to working with you in the restaurant and dancing the night away with you at the next staff night out.

I left around 1ish and headed to my favourite late night restaurant,

I like it because it does exactly what it says on the tin. Also I once got a pizza here in less than 30 seconds. The next day I realised that I may have taken someone else’s pizza but I was happy.

So monday morning arrived and I packed my bag and made my way to town, before I left I had arranged a meeting with the owner of the restaurant (Vinnie) to discuss my upcoming triumphant (part time) return to work. It was pouring rain and the thunder was deafening, it was like something out of a movie. I feared this was sign,something terrible was going to happen. Maybe Vinnie won’t let me work there, maybe he hates me, maybe he’s gonna pretend to have the meeting then kill me and harvest my organs, maybe he’s reading this blog and now thinks im a mental!! As the thunder roared in the sky above I saw vinnie approach from a distance, he apologised for being late and we went in. Luckily he did not harvest my organs (they can’t be worth that much, especially the liver) and the meeting went very well, he’s gonna pay me very well and work around college hours, I made a point in saying that college comes first but ill help out as much as I can. He’s going to send me on the personal licence course also. This means more responsibility than I would like but it also means a fun day out learning about drinking!!

So there we have it. My trip to the deen, in a rather boring blog entry .

So that was my trip up to Aberdeen

It really is the place to be seen

I had lots of beer on Saturday

I woke up with a girl, in a town far away.

On Sunday I decided to take it easy

Not drinking as much, not being so sleazy.

I woke up the next day, I was feeling fine

I woke up in the bed, that used to be mine.

That’s all for now, I’ve got to go.

Ill se you all soon, that’s fo sho!!

Sorry that poem is a bit shit ( and yes I do know that most of them are shit but that last line is awful)

Until next time

Have a nice

Andy G

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http://theblogofandyg.blogspot.com

Flattery will get you everywhere!

Greetings
Hows it going? I hope all is cool wherever you happened to be. I've had a very long week at work. it's been another strange week, I will bore you with the details another time. Right now I wanted to share something with you. I was recently asked to provide a reference for a former employee. Joyce Flattery. Being in a position of management I have often been asked to provide references and have often refused because the person in question was shit. joyce and i worked together in Aberdeen and she was definitely one of the best waitress's to ever grace the restaurant. Being the nice guy that I am, I of course gave Joyce a reference. Here it is.

NON- ACADEMIC REFERENCE FORM

STUDENTS' PERSONAL DETAILS

Surname: Flattery

First Name: Joyce

Contact Address: the closest irish pub

E-mail Address(es): joycethedrunkard@drunkenirishwoman.com

Mobile Telephone No: she dropped it in a pint of Guinness.

2. REFEREE DETAILS

Referee's Name: Andy G

Designation: Good Looking ex boss

E-mail Address: Andy@randomandom.com

PART 1

How long have you known the applicant?

It seems like forever

In what capacity did you know the applicant?

l Workplace mentor / supervisor / manager

Technically yes

l Workplace professional colleague

define professional?

l Other (please state the capacity in which you are completing this form) attempted to control her at work (generally failed) witnessed her drink most of the staff under the table.

Please describe the main qualities and attributed of the applicant, including your views on his or her suitability for the above post as outlined in the job description. If you wish to attach an additional sheet, please do so.

Joyce is an amazing person. Everyday I am amazed that she is still alive, considering the amount of alcohol she consumes on a daily basis. This truly is a medical marvel. Alcohol is not her only addiction, she also cannot control her cravings for olives. At last count, she eats approximately 3000 of these a day. While in my employ at the restaurant I once threatened to deduct £5 if I caught her eating another olive. She assumed I was joking and ate an olive. Unfortunately for Joyce, I was born without a sense of humour. The £5 was deducted from her wages and was donated to a very worthy local charity, the A.B.F. (Andy Beer Fund). When describing her qualities I would say she is loud, can swear more than any human being on the planet, slightly insane, and can out drink the 98% of the people on the planet. She is an incredibly open and occasionally overly friendly person, upon meeting my parents for the first time she announced to them she was going to marry me, this frightened me as I did not realize we were in a relationship. The news however, was a relief to my mother, who was beginning to think I was a gay. Even though Joyce had declared that we were to be married, she was still having a very open lesbian relationship with fellow employee Sarah Coonan. They frequently went on dates and quite often discussed them in front of me. I believe this was an attempt to evoke jealousy, which ultimately proved to be unsuccessful. This was much to the benefit of Sarah who I believe is still enjoying an “open relationship” with Joyce. Sadly, Joyce and I never married, upon reflection I believe this is for the greater good, I do not want to take her away from Sarah and more importantly, I do not think my liver could take it.

Regarding her suitability for the vacant position, as I understand Joyce is applying for a job as a pharmacist, this would be incredibly handy for her as she will have much easier access to the various pills everyone believes she takes, this would be the most logical explanation for her personality.

PART 2

Applicant's current or former job title: Waitress/ Restaurant Minion/Drunkard

Date of employment: can’t remember, most of the time I was drunk.

Please describe the nature of employment, i.e. vacational, Saturday work etc.:

Joyce was employed as a waitress on a part time basis in a busy city centre restaurant. She excelled in this position as this gave her the chance to talk to hundreds of new people every week and fuck me can this girl talk. Most of the customers loved her and several wanted to socialize with her outside of the restaurant. For the most part Joyce refused the advances of customers, this is just as well as I believe some of them simply wanted to harvest her body for organs(if they knew the state of her liver I doubt they would bother.) Joyce was by far the best waitress in the restaurant, this was down to the fact she has the banter of 100 women and she moves faster than a speeding bullet stuck up the arse of a bat outta hell. If she has a red bull then chances are she would move so fast she could turn the earth back on its axis and reverse time like in Superman the movie. (although that makes no scientific sense, it was still a good movie!)

Summary of main duties:

Please comment on the applicant's performance under the following headings:

Please rate the applicant in terms of:

a) Quality of work:

Excellent as long as she was at least semi sober!

b) Performance in the job

Every night with Joyce is a performance

c) Relationships with others/Team-working

Very good, has at least one lesbian relationship, desperately wanted to marry the boss (me) and generally loved by all the staff. However if you are a slow worker then, she would eat you for breakfast! Literally. Several staff members disappeared after one shift and were never heard from again.

d) Unsupervised work/Use of initiative:

Excellent, as long as she is kept away from the olives.

e) Attendance

Excellent as long as she gets St Paddy’s day off and does not have to work for at least a week after.

f) Timekeeping

Frequently late, possibly due to burying the remains of the staff she killed or lesbian rendezvous’ with Sarah Coonan.

In your opinion, what are the applicant's strengths?

Drinking ability, banter, good dancer (not as good as me, obviously) can chat to ANYONE about almost anything. If Helen Keller came in for dinner they would be chatting away till the early hours!

In your opinion, what are the applicant's development needs?

She is a terrible singer, among her atrocious repertoire are “Joyce to the world” and ”There’s no Banana’s in the sky!” feel free to check out this video of her band “Joyce Division”

She also needs to work on her Anger management, DO NOT MAKE THIS WOMAN ANGRY, YOU MAY NOT SURVIVE!! There were several incidents in which I genuinely feared my life. Fortunately she is easily calmed when allowed to steal some olives and the promise of a Guinness. She also needs to work on her “follow through” it has been several years and Joyce and I are still not married, I do live in fear that one day she will turn up on my door and drag me to the church. I would be too scared to resist, it’s not all bad, I could do with a shag.

Would you re-employ this person?

Yes, I would be too afraid to face the consequences otherwise.

PART 3

Any other relevant information: While writing this I am wearing my favourite hat (see attached picture)

and a pair of brand new socks, They feel nice.

I do hope this reference has been of use to you, if you require any more information then please do not hesitate to contact me and I will tell you anything that Joyce lets me.

Kind Regards

Andy G

http://theblogofandyg.blogspot.com/