Some more reviews of my book

Hi

How's it goin? 

Book sales are now at a whopping 34!

Again though I will say that I did email over 300 people and I am very disappointed in the rest of you. If you wrote a book I'd buy it. Honest.

So dear reader, to entice you to buy a copy, I thought I would share some of the more recent reviews with you.

My old school mate Debbie sent me this text.

For more information on Debbie feel free to read 101 things you  probably didn't know about Andy G, and check out number 102.

My old shipmate Mia, who already wrote a review, sent me a second comment.

Sarah who worked with me at Vincents had this to say.

You should check out Sarahs website at www.SarahCoonan.com  She is very talented and you should buy one of her ceramics, or two. Or three. I did try to check out photo ghost but couldn't find it. So I don't know what it is. I can only assume it is some kind of spooky photographer.

Joyce also used to work for me at Vincents, I wrote for her the greatest reference ever written. I also once wrote a song about her. So buying my book was the least she could do.

My old shipmate Helen had this to say 

All the facebook hype has caused another old school mate, Clara, to invest in a copy.

Look at what these wonderful people have to say. How can you not want to buy my book now? It only costs £5.99! (plus postage and packaging) 

So surf your interwebs over to www.RandomAndom.com and buy the book that might just change your life!*

*This book is not guaranteed to change your life in anyway except to take up some time by reading some hilarious writing.

If you have bought my book, then I thank you, please let me know what you think of it. My next book will be a collaboration with the incredibly talented Diana Leto, hopefully I'll be able to tell you more about that soon. After that I have a couple of other ideas for books I'd like to do, both of which will be very different to Fifty Envelopes. But we shall see. In the meantime I really should be concentrating on my school work.

On that note, I better run, I have homework to do.

That's All For Now

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then you will be one of the first to know when my next book is available, and you might even get it cheaper.

101 fun things to do in a lift

Hi

Hows it goin?

I think the title says it all really. For those of you who read 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G, you may have noticed, 
Number 25: Andy G once wrote 101 fun things to do in a lift. 
I wrote these nearly 10 years ago for my school yearbook and thought I would share them with you now.

Some of these have some video clips along with them, so stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

101 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

1: Call the lift your ship and make all the passengers your crew and bark orders at them.

2: Take along some animals and start a zoo

3: Start a disco dancing competition

4: Talk to your thumb

5: Pretend you are on Star Trek and every time you push a button say something like "To the ground floor, warp factor 8. Engage!"

6: Do your ironing

7: Do a strip tease

8: Ask what floor people want and push the wrong button

9: Wear a sailors uniform and greet every passenger by saying "Ahoy there matey!"

10: Set up a shop which sells nothing but pornography and gardening magazines

11: Sell used cars

12: Sell your friends

13: Sell yourself

14: Try to burst your spots

15: Try to burst other peoples spots

16: Ask people for the time and when they tell you, look at your watch and say "Oh yeah."

17: Ask people for the time, if they say they don't know then look at your watch and shout "WELL I DO!"

18: Wear a pair of rollerblades and attempt to "grind" the other passengers

19: Take the chewing gum out of your mouth and offer it to the other passengers

20: Pick your nose and offer it to the other passengers

21: Start a nightclub and don;t let anyone in unless they are over 18 or really good looking

22: Hold the annual Aberdeen football club fan club convention

23: Take a blow up doll and have some fun

24: Take a blow up sheep and have some fun

25: Take along some soil and plant a tree

26: Reassess Einstein's theory of relativity

27: Try to eat the other passengers

28: Try to eat the lift

29: Try to eat your own shoes

30: Try to eat a pot noodle (no one wants to eat a pot noodle)

31: Try to eat yourself

32: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce in a loud and confident voice,

"I AM A FISH!!"

33: Continuously sing Bohemian Rhapsody and head bang at the appropriate part

34: Perform River Dance

35: Create your own religion and try to convert some people

36: Try and undo the straps on your straight jacket

37: Stand in the corner and head butt the wall

38: Every now and then, bark like a dog

39: Every now and then, Baa like a sheep

40: Ask every passenger to marry you

41: Bring along a bed and have a power nap

42: Say that you are Elvis and you faked your own death in order to pursue a career in lift operation, then start singing to prove it.

43: Talk to your foot

44: DO your best Dom Joly impression (if you can't see the video below CLICK HERE)

45: Take your maths homework with you and get the other passengers to do it for you by calling it market research on the maths skills of the british public

46: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then shout in a loud, confident voice,

"I AM FANTRATA WHOOOBEEYAA THE VOODOO KING!!"

47: Take a yoyo with you and hit the other passengers on the head by doing an "all around the world"

48: Open a restaurant

49: Hide in a coffin and make groaning noises occasionally

50: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then roar at them

51: Ask every passenger who comes comes in if they think chickens are attractive

52: Smile and make pleasurable moaning noises, then say, "sorry my mobile is on vibrate."

53: Say to everyone who comes in, "Oh my god, you killed Kenny, you bastard!"

54: Hop around and pretend to be a kangaroo

55: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then say "I've got new socks on."

56: Say that you are santa and ask every passenger what they want for christmas

57: (if you are male) When an attractive woman gets on the lift, stand in the corner and mutter to yourself, "Down boy, down boy"

58: Shout "SNIPER" and drop the ground

59: Hum the mission impossible tune and do commando rolls

60: Call everyone who comes on the lift Bob

61: Start singing "I will survive"

63: Make airplane noises

64: Challenge every passenger to a duel

65: Quickly take off your jacket, throw it to the floor and stamp on it, and start shouting, "IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE!!" Then faint.

66: Ask everyone who comes on the lift, "Who would win in a fight, Superman or Captain Birdseye?"

67: Say hello to another passenger and if they ignore you say, "Oh come on, don't be mad, I know we both said some things that we didn't mean, but it doesn't mean we still don't love each other."

68: Pretend to be a teletubbie and say "eh-oh" every now and then

69: Take a whoopee cushion on board and let the hilarity commence

70: Open a shoe shop

71: Give yourself a hair cut

72: Start panicking and screaming with fear every time the lift moves and grab onto another passenger for safety

73: Say "Ok who farted"

74: Ask another passenger "You haven't seen a fried egg lying around here have you?"

75: Say "MOOOOOO" occasionally

76: Say to another passenger "Hey hey good lookin!"

77: Take a pencil out of your pocket, hold it like a sword and shout at another passenger "ON GUARD!"

78: Put on a ginger wig and claim to be Bianca from Eastenders

79: Play table tennis

80: Breed ferrets

81: Put on a rock concert

82: Create a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision making, abstract thought and completely indistinguishable from the real thing.

83: Become a Madonna imersonator

84: Form a band and "Jam"

85: Hold the next general election

86: Open a gerbil race track

87: Fill the lift with water and go scuba diving

88: Sell double glazing

89: Have a wrestling match

90: Do a trapeze act

91: Build a housing estate

92: Re enact every scene from "Short Circuit"

93: Put up a picture of yourself which says, "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE, FOR THE DEATH OF SEVERAL CHICKENS IN THE LOCAL AREA"

94: Film an episode of "Top Gear"

95: Bet the other passengers that you can jump up and down on one foot until your hipbone is pounded into dust

96: Sell the dust collected from your hipbone

97: Bet the other passengers that you can stick a £20 note up your nose, when they give you the note, run away.

98: Open a betting shop

99: Perform a stand up comedy show

100: Read The Blog Of Andy G

101: Write 101 more fun things to do in a lift

These were all written aprox ten years ago, I changed a couple because they were specific to the school. I wonder if anyone is actually gonna read all this shite? If you have I bet you feel a bit let down eh?

Come on, gimme a break. 


I'm trying to post something original every fucking day for a month, that's not easy.

So fuck you!

Sorry, I haven't had a Red Bull for nearly 3 weeks and I am suffering from withdrawal.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I will do something fun in a lift, with you!

Friendly Friday: Jonny Mountain

Hi

Hows it goin?

When I wrote 101 Fun things you probably didn't know about Andy G, some of you may have noticed, 

Number 77: Andy G has a friend who can only pee primary one style.

That friend is the legend that is Jonny Mountain!

The above photo was taken on one of our camping trips. I should point out it wasn't just Jonny and I on the camping trips and I didn't ask him to pose for the above picture, that would be weird.

Jonny has been present on many of my drunken adventures including several camping trips, Mark's home stag, Marks away stag, he was the best man at Marks wedding, and we once rocked Chicago Rock. Altho I can't really remember how.

Jonny is also a cast member in my film, he had the honour of naming his character.

A Poem For Jonny

I usually call him Jonny Be Good,

That's because he's a really cool dude.

He's got a part in my movie, 

a bar man called Bob.

His acting is groovy,

that's why he got the job.

Here's a video I made featuring Jonny from one of our camping trips!

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."


If you do subscribe then I will send you a framed picture of Jonny doing a primary one pee

Dear Steve Coogan (A.K.A envelope 9 of 50)

Hi

Hows it goin?

Here's the latest letter in my 50 envelope challenge. For those of you who read 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G, you may have noticed number 71: Andy G is an inspiration to Steve Coogan.

Well it's true, and here is the proof.........

Dear Steve Coogan

Good Day, how are you? I hope all is good with you. You may remember me, we spoke once briefly in New York. That is actually the point in my writing to you. If you recall, you appeared at the Apple Store in Soho New York, in mid 2008 to promote your new film Hamlet 2.(It was very good by the way). I enjoyed the evening and listening to your thoughts on the various issues raised.

It was I that asked if we will ever see an Alan Partridge Movie. I feel you may have taken offence at this.

You mentioned that you don’t want to get pigeon holed into a role such as that and that you are capable of doing other things.

Hell yeah you can.

I think you’re awesome!

During your response to my question you mentioned your tour. I was lucky enough to see you when you visited Glasgow in December 2008. I really enjoyed the show, and I recently bought the DVD. I noticed that the entire second half of the show was Alan Partridge. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that. It was brilliant.

The thing is, when you were talking at the Apple shop in New York, you mentioned during the tour you were going to throw in an “Alan Partridge bone.”

I believe that after I asked my question about Partridge you realised just how good a character he is and how much he should be in your tour.

You could say that it was ME who inspired the entire second half of the show.

I don’t want to take any of the credit away from your good self. You are in many ways a comedy genius and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future. I would just like you to admit, that I, in some small way, inspired the second half of the show.

I would be most grateful if you could write back to me with an acknowledgement as I have told most of my friends that this is the case. They so far have refused to believe me but I believe a letter from you would go a long way to proving me right. If you want to make a personal appearance even better. I would happily buy you a pint or two. You can even crash on my couch if you want.

Look forward to hearing from you

Kind Regards

Andy G

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do not subscribe then I will make you smell my cheese

If you can't see the video I posted above then stop reading all this crap on facebook and click here.

Why I am famous in Quebec

Hi

Hows it goin?

For those of you who were bored enough to read my post about 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G. I thought that over the next ear I will expand on some of the points I mentioned. Today I thought I would tell you about number 96 : Andy G is famous in Quebec.

It was many moons ago when I visited Quebec. I was a younger man, with more hair and less chins.

I was working away on the floating caravan that is the QE2, The Canadian cruise was a bit of a bugger, it took AGES! And it was kinda dull at times. I was working in the Queens Grill at the time, I was working a lot for mainly pain the arse customers who I had for weeks at a time. The Canadian Cruise from what I can remember was approx 3 weeks long. We departed from New York and headed up to Nova Scotia. Nova scotia was kind of a mixed bag, most places we visited were small towns as opposed to larger cities. We had an over night stop in a place called St Johns. Everyone who works on a cruise ship loves over nights, if your lucky some of your passengers might not come in for dinner, and all the crew goes out on the razz ma tazz. When out in St john we didn’t discover that much to do. Just some local pubs who seemed to be quite excited by the prospect of serving newcomers. I don’t remember much from that night. I know we all drank a lot, and I know Adam & I stole a sign from a pub on the way back to the ship. Not a small sign, this thing was about 15 foot. I’m not sure why we stole it but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Several days later we made our way to Quebec. Have you ever been to Quebec? Its weird.

Everybody speaks French. What the fuck is that about??

And they don’t know anything about late night food.

After our first night out I stumbled into what I thought was a kebab shop. I asked for a kebab, he mumbled something in French. I asked for a burger, he again said something in French. I tried to recall my French from school, I then told him my name, my parents address and that Aberdeen was a very large, industrial and historical town in the north east of Scotland, as that was all I could remember. This did not help me get food. 10 minutes later I walked out of this establishment with a can of diet coke and a Baked Potato.

A BAKED POTATO!!!

What the hell??? These people have a lot to learn about late night food.

Everyone was excited to be in Quebec, it was a major city and we were there for 2 nights.

A double Over night! Brilliant! 2 nights out in a new city.

We had a great night out planned. After dinner service on board, everyone got together and headed out. Even the shoppies came out to play with us.

Being a Scotsman abroad I of course wore the kilt. It would be a crime not too.

However I must admit something to you.

Something I am quite ashamed of.

I did NOT go true Scotsman

I wore my boxer shorts.

Please try and understand, it was freezing, and I don’t mean just cold, it was literally freezing. We all headed out and hit a few pubs, I again had several arguments with French speaking barmen and they also got the same speech I gave to the baked potato selling bastard. It was the only French I could remember.

Most of the crew were heading to a place called club hell. It was apparently the best place in town. It was also the most difficult to find. I kept looking for a road paved with good intentions but had no luck.

Eventually we asked a couple of locals where to go and they were nice enough to take us there.

The club was actually pretty nice (from what I remember) There were loads of crew there and our group did the sensible thing and headed straight to the bar.

Several drinks later I found myself on the second level of this club, it had a balcony which overlooked the dance floor. We were having a few drinks and chillin out. When I noticed a few people on the bottom level looking up at me. I didn’t recognise them but they seemed to know me. I thought maybe it was just about the Kilt, but they kept staring.

Then I realised.

I was standing on a glass floor.

Everyone could see right up my kilt.

They noticed my reaction and broke out in a roar of laughter.

Then the chanting started,

“Off , off, off!”

They obviously saw I was wearing boxer shorts and deemed this to be wrong.

And they were right.

I would like to add at this point in the evening I was quite drunk.

They kept chanting, and I realised they were right.

I shouldn’t be wearing boxer shorts. I am fucking Scottish. I am an ambassador for my country and I must do my country proud. By this point there was about a hundred people looking up at me (seriously) so I thought,

“Fuck it!”

I took my boxers off right there, twirled them round my head and through them into the crowd. And they went wild!!!!

One lucky crew member got a souvenir of the evening.

It was at this point I got caught up in the moment, everyone was cheering and looking up at me and I got a bit carried away.

I lifted up the kilt and flashed them.

I flashed the entire club, there must have been at least 250 people there and every one of them looked up and saw me lifting up the kilt.

They all loved it. The crowd went nuts!!! (no pun intended)

It's amazing I didn’t get thrown out, I wasn’t exactly hard to find.

The next day I awoke very, very hungover. I amazingly managed to get showered and dressed and made it up to the restaurant to serve breakfast in time. But that morning something odd happened. As I walked through the bowels of the ship on my way to the restaurant, I got a lot of smirks and smiles and people pointing at me. One guy came up to me and shook my hand. Everyone knew about my activites last night. A hell of a lot of people I didn’t even know came up to me throughout the day and said they had heard about me. The rumour mill did its thing and by mid afternoon most people were under the impression I had streaked through all of Quebec.

I was lucky enough that day to have watch off. (This meant I didn’t have to work lunch). I finished my breakfast shift and headed to the cabin for a power nap. I awoke and decided to head into the city for a wander, this usually helps me when I'm really hungover. As I was walking through the city center, my head pounding, my stomach on the spin cycle, I stopped in a shop to pick up some pain killers. As I walked out I accidently bumped into two girls who were coming into the shop, I apologised and walked off, but as I was walking away I heard one of them say,

“That was the kilt guy!”

So if you ever find yourself in Quebec, ask someone about “The Kilt Guy” and see what story they tell you.

It's not my fault

I blame Canada!

If you can't see the video I posted above then its your own damn fault!!! how many times have I told you??? Stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I might let you see what's up my kilt

101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G

Hi

Hows it goin?

To celebrate post number 101 on this blog I have compiled a list of 101 things you probably didn't know about me.

I have included some pictures and videos where appropriate so if you want to see them then stop reading this crap on facebook and click here.

101 facts about Andy G

1 : Andy G is The Stig

2: Andy G does not drink Tequila, if he does all of mexico will implode

3: Andy G is a time traveller

4: Andy G is the only person to ever spill champagne on the bridge of The QE2

5: Andy G Is president of the Darius Fan Club

6: Andy G is actually a clone, of himself!

7: Andy G knows how to commit the perfect crime. I break into Tiffany's at midnight, do I go for the vault? NO! I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me, she tells me to stop, it's her fathers business, she's Tiffany. I say no, we make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of there uniforms, I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada, I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. 30 years later I get a post card, I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the trocadero, she's been waiting for me for all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin, thats where I stashed the Chandelier

8: Andy G is actually black

9: Andy G is Keyser Soze

10: Andy G once split the red sea

11: Andy G once ran around the world so fast he turned back time and was able to rescue lois lane from the earthquake.

12: Andy G is part of the truly awesome band Tenacious A

13: Andy G is the thoroughbred of sin

14: Andy G can speak Japanese

15: Andy G was very bored and slightly drunk when he wrote these.

16: Andy G knows never to start a fight with a giant chicken

17: Andy G loves it when a plan comes together.

18: Andy G is dazed and confused

19: Andy G is best friends with He Man

20: Andy G is Spartacus

21: Andy G used to be Mexican

22: Andy G does not have a drinking problem, he likes it.

23: Andy G owns a ukelele and is part of a ukelele band called ukulelisation

24: Andy G wants to be on you!

25: Andy G once wrote 101 fun things to do in a lift

26: Andy G hates Kris Akabussi

27: Andy G thinks your ace! (unless you’re a twat)

28: Andy G has 753 hats, his favourite is his cowboy hat!

29: Andy G thinks that all work and no play makes Andy a dull boy

30: Andy G Drinks Blackcurrant Tango

31: Andy G Really, really wants to drive the Batmobile

32: Andy G has shaken the hand of Jimmy Saville

33: Andy G was once accused of a crime he didn’t commit, he promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground, there he survives as a soldier of fortune, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire, Andy G.

34: Andy G says Relax

35: Andy G is a fully trained ninja

36: Andy G is a poet and he DOES know it

37: Andy G has a pet Giraffe, his name is Jeremy

38: Andy G is trapped in a glass box of emotion

39: Andy G devised the perfect seating system for any restaurant he works in

40: Andy G thinks bud is fucking mingin

41: Andy G is illegal in nine countries

42: Andy G has hair that shines like orion's belt (just not alot of it)

43: Andy G Thinks Howard The Duck is the greatest movie ever made!

44: Andy G Will Rock You

45: Andy G is kind of a big deal, he has many leather bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany

46: Andy G is easy like Sunday morning

47: Andy G loves a tiny heini

48: Andy G is currently writing the greatest book ever written

49: Andy G is walkin on sunshine

50: Andy G was born in the hell fires of mo town

51: Andy G is addicted to his iphone, if he doesn't check it every 5 minutes he comes out in a rash.

52: Andy G wants Mitch to unleash the fury

53: Andy G will huff and puff and blow your house down

54: Andy G DID put humpty dumpty back together again

55: Andy G is bringing back the Commodore 64

56: Andy G is Tiger Woods (but less ethnic)

57: Andy G invented the Cactus

58: Andy G once impregnated a girl just by looking at her

59: Andy G knows who the Dharma Inititive really is

60: Andy G has been and always shall be your friend (unless you are a cunt)

61: Andy G has absolutely no memory of this

62: Andy G thinks Murder She Wrote was the greatest thing ever to be on TV

63: Andy G once ate a big red candle

64: Andy G is a Legend ( The words of Joyce Flattery)

65: Andy G thinks you don't always have to fuck her hard.......

66: Andy G was once trapped in 1955 but fortunately he harnessed the power of a lightening bolt to power the flux capacitor in the delorean and he was able to get Back To The Future

67: Andy G was really fucken drunk last night

68: Andy G genuinely believes this is what happened to the QE2 Crew

69: Andy G is no longer allowed in his local tesco

70: Andy G once sent a fax to Alex Ferguson

71: Andy G is an inspiration to Steve Coogan

72: Andy G Fucking hates westlife, unlike these two

73: Andy G is The Fonz

74: Andy G has enough sexual energy to power the world for 7 years!

75: Andy G has chest hair shaped like the Yorkshire television symbol

76: Andy G has a voice that will make a wolverine purr

77: Andy G has a friend who can only pee primary one style

78: Andy G wants to date your Avatar! (if anyone gets that reference I will be amazed and will buy you a pint)

79: Andy G had marriage proposals from two different women in 2009, once in a drunken phone call, and once in a drunken voicemail

80: Andy G is a big believer in film certification

81: Andy G knows what your thinking, and the answer is yes. He has a nickname for his penis, he calls it Octagon. He also nicknamed his testes, the left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr Kenneth Noisewater

82: Andy G makes the best Spag Bol

83: Andy G is the best around……..just like daniel son

84: Andy G is always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter, who makes stairs

85: Andy G Once said cunt in Canada

86: Andy G always follows the bro code

87: Andy G knows that the bird is the word

88: Andy G is twice the man you are

89: Andy G is an asshole

90: Andy G knows that Ryan started the fire

91: Andy G loves a little bit of Afternoon Delight

92: Andy G likes cheese

93: Andy G loves Red Bull

94: Andy G sometimes goes too casual

95: Andy G knows too much about Adams Balls

96: Andy G is famous in quebec

97: Andy G often wonders what a tiger dreams of

98: Andy G once walked past Danny Wallace in the street while listening to the Danny Wallace Podcast.

99: Andy G recently learned the truth about potatoes

100: Andy G is NOT gay with Adam, its just guy love

101: Andy G was once bare naked with a girl (it was nice)

102: Andy G has never ever slept with Debbie Watson, despite what Mark Cruickshank tells everyone

103: Andy G can't count

104: Andy G rarely remembers what he gets up to at peoples weddings

105: Andy G has a very bad reputation in blackpool

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you can think of 101 reason why you should NOT subscribe then fair enough, otherwise just fucking do it!!