Saturday, 19 December 2009

I think I might be banned from my local tesco

Hows it goin?
I had to go food shopping the other day. I was planning on making spag bol. Its one of the very few things I can cook.
That and toast.
I have a tendency to over spend whenever food shopping. I just chuck stuff in the basket. I only went in for some tomato’s and an onion but when I went to the check out I had a full basket. It was over flowing.

It was on this particualar day that I made a remarkable discovery, in many ways my local tesco is like a strip club, they put the bad (ugly) staff on during the day and at nights take out the hotties.
I shop there several times a week but rarely during the day. Its usually after 6pm, and there are a couple of good looking women behind the tills. But the daytime staff are scary.
And a bit stupid!
I went up to the cash desk and plonked my overflowing basket on the counter. The older woman behind the till asked, would you like a bag?
Of course I want a fucking bag!
How am I gonna carry all this crap home? In my pockets?
Perhaps you are offering me the basket as a souveneir of my trip?
Now I know these days that a lot of people have those crappy little bags for life and take them to the shops with them, but I was wearing jeans and a jumper, where could I have been storing that bag on my person?
Up my arse?
If so it really would not be hygienic to put my shopping in there.
Sadly I did not say this to her at the time. Which in retrospect I probably should have, it may have been less akward than our next interchange.
As I said I was buying ingredients for spag bol,
My recipe is quite simple,
Chop an onion,
Chop some mushrooms,
Shop some garlic,
Get some mince,
Chuck it all in a pan and fry it.
Add some red wine,
pour yourself a glass at the same time,
add some chopped tomatoes,
add some more wine,
and pour yourself another glass, cooking is thirsty work.
Let it simmer for a couple of minutes,
add some more wine, then pour yourself another glass.
Oh and don’t forget to cook the pasta!
Anyway, having learned from previous mistakes I bought two bottles of wine for my cooking extravaganza, one for the pasta and one to drink.
When the lady behind the cash desk was scanning my stuff and putting it into a carrier bag, she came to the two bottles of wine.
She quite sensibly said,
“I’ll double bag it, just to be safe.”
and then, without thinking, without realising where I was, completely oblivious about the normal bounderies of normal social conduct, I replied,
“The very words I live by.”
I'm not sure if she got the joke, she just kind of smirked.
She then put the wine in the first carrier bag, and said,
“Can you give me a hand? If you spread it apart I’ll put it in.”
And once again, without thinking about where I was or who I was talking to, I said,
“That’s usually my line”
I didn’t think, it just came spewing out of my mouth, like verbal diaherria. I smirked and pretended I didn’t say it.
The lady smiled not realising what I said.
But then her facial expression changed. Her polite, innocent unknowing smile turned into a look of shock and disgust, I saw it happen. I could almost hear the cogs turning in her head. She realised what I said, she then put it together with what I said earlier.
I half expected her to set off a rape alarm or something.
She finished packing my shopping with the frowniest of frowns upon her face.
It was at this point I was glad I had decided not to buy that Cadburys Fudge I saw in the confectionary isle.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to resist making a fudge packer joke.
She then asked
“Do you have a club card?”
Thats a perfectly reasonable question when your in a tesco, but it was the way she said it, it was filled with hatred and disgust. I had deeply offended this old woman.
I think what she was really saying was,
"I hope I never see you again you sexually perverted bastard!"
I think I'll switch to the co op for a while.
Thats all for now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
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1 comment:

  1. I had a similar Tesco incident with a friend of mine. He often wears a t-shirt that says 'Smile if you're moist'.
    On reading it, the checkout woman did not just smile, she laughed.
    At this point my friend said, "You must be absolutely dripping!"
    A step too far apparently, she completed the transaction in silence and with a face showing a mixture of embarrassment and disgust.



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