Coming up on this entry of The Blog Of Andy G
- Snoopy wearing a nipple for a hat!
- Sausage Cheese!
- I'm not good enough for my friend Mark.
- I invent three new words (drunkardness, goodlookingness and bigness).
- An offensive christmas cake.
- I impress everyone with my incredible knowledge of cheese's.
- A song about jewish people.
Intrigued?
You should be.
Read on, if you dare! (insert evil laugh here!)
Hi
Hows it goin?
I spent this weekend in Leeds, home of people from Leeds.
More specifically I went to Rod & Brons Christmas party, festivly titled
“It's Christmas Mother Fuckers”
Rod & Bron have been hosting this party for several years now, but sadly I have never managed to make it down, because of work. But this year, since I am part time and no longer give a shit about the restaurant, I was determined to make it. There were 19 people at this party, The Aberdeen contingent consisted of Myself, Mark, Kim, Kev, Alice & Sean (not the American). After a long drive, we all arrived late Friday night, had a few beers and played with the present Kev bought Rod for Christmas.
It was a snoopy snow cone maker!
After a confusing contruction session where Rod attempted to build this incredible device, he started to grind some ice. The idea is you put whole ice cubes in the top turn the handle, it comes out as ice shavings and you add your own flavourings. After about 10 minutes of grinding we had half a very, very small cup full of ice shavings and added in some Strongbow. Both Kev and Rod sampled it and they seemed pleased with there results.
This is without a doubt an incredibly cool present but we were all confused as to why Snoopy had a nipple for a hat.
Several beers later we all turned in, Mark & Kim were clearly the cleverest of the group by organizing to have the spare room. Everyone else slept in the living room. It was like a slumber party, but with only one girl, and not really, really shit.
We awoke on Saturday morning to tea and bacon sandwiches. Most of us headed out to the pub so Rod & Bron could get on with the cooking.
The party started around 7 ish when most of the guests arrived. I knew a couple of them from peoples weddings and various drunken trips over the years. Richard & Rayne came along with my namesake, Baby G.
Most people say she’s not named after me, but I think deep down everybody knows she really is.
There were only a handful of people there I knew, Myself and Mark happened to be sitting at the table together when Rod was busy introducing everyone, he turned to us and said
“This is Mark, and this is Andy”
We all shook hands and then Mark jumped up and said quite defensively,
“We’re not together!”
Now Im not a gay,
nothing wrong with being a gay,
I'm just not one.
But he seemed to be quite offended by this whole thing?
What's that about Mark?
Am I not good enough for you?
Now its fair enough explaining to the people we’ve just met that we were not a gay couple, but why would they think that anyway?
Were we giving off a gay vibe?
I certainly wasn’t.
I was wearing my karate kid t-shirt, surely that’s one of the least gay things ever.
Maybe they saw this picture.......
Nothing gay about this. It's just a couple of guys, drunk, in a hot tub.
And one guy giving his friend, a friendly kiss on the cheek.
Nothing gay about that.
The topic resurfaced on our trip home. Where if we were a gay couple, would we be called Mark & Andy or Andy & Mark, I think it’s pretty obvious we would be Andy & Mark. It just makes more sense, its alphabetical, and its in order of goodlookingness.
Adam and I have a similar scheme, its Adam & Andy, not Andy & Adam. In this case it is also alphabetical but instead of going by goodlookingness, we went in order of who’s the bigger drunkard. (I mean bigger in drunkardness, not bigger in bigness, if it was bigger in bigness then I would win in every department!)
Just so you know Adam & I are not a gay couple.
Neither of us are gay,
well as far as I know.
To be honest im not too sure about him.
In our old flat the motto was,
“Your not gay until you’ve sucked 100!”
I’m not sure where that came from, and I could never understand why he had that photo album with 99 guys in it. Most of whom were dressed like Freddy Mercury, or sailers.
Weird.
Anyway, back to the story.
Dinner was amazing, Rod and Bron made everything themselves and they did a fantastic job. For starter there was a bacon & onion tart type thing (it has a fancy german name but I can’t remember it, I was several beers in by this point) I had 2 pieces, it was fucken awesome!
For main course there was Turkey, and this was a big bastard of a turkey, incase you have never seen a turkey before, I have included this handy picture.
The turkey was served with sauerkraut with german sausages, carrots, peas, roast potatoes, gravy & stuffing. There were also 2 whole Ham’s on the table. One was roasted with a honey mustard glaze and the other one was poached in apple juice with a marmalade glaze, (that may not be exactly right, but as I say I was a few beers in at this point) both were awesome, I had about 3 big slices of each.
For dessert there was a choice of home made rhubarb crumble with custard, cheese & biscuits or Raynes home made Christmas cake,
I opted for all three.
Sadly there was not enough rhubarb crumble for everyone, so I generously offered to give up my portion, so I had cheese & biscuits, and a massive piece of Christmas cake, and a rather large glass of port. When the cheese plate was coming round, a couple of people turned to me for a description. I have written in a previous entry about my previous job as a cheese boy on The QE2, my official title was Chocolate And Cheese Distribution Officer Quarter Deck Stardboard Side (C.C.D.O.Q.D.S.S. for short). I must admit that job was several years ago and I didn’t pay much attention then, so my cheese identifacation skills are a bit rusty. I saw there was a goat cheese, some camembert and a blue cheese, someone reminded me of my previous cheese boy duties and asked me what the blue cheese was? I delved deep into my memory, I frantically searched through the quite empty filing cabinet that is my mind, pointlessly checking to see if I had retained any knowledge from my cheese boy days. My mind regressed, suddenly I was on board the QE2 once again, I could see it in my minds eye, but I wasn't serving cheese. I was drunk in the crew bar, or I was drunk in my cabin, or I was drunk in southampton, It's amazing I kept that job for as long as I did. After what seemed like 20 minutes, but what I hoped in reality was about 5 seconds, I returned to the present day. I looked down at the cheese, I looked around the table, I looked back at the cheese. I knew what this cheese was thinking, it thought it was better than me, it thought it could outsmart me, it thought I was just another drunken moron who pretended to know about cheese in order to sound sophisticated and impress girls. (It never does by the way) Well this cheese was wrong, This cheese did not know who it was dealing with, I was a C.C.D.O.Q.D.S.S! And then, like a lightening strike to my brain, except far less exciting and far less dangerous, it came to me. I knew the answer, I knew what it was, I am ANDY G! I will not be defeated by a lump of FUCKING CHEESE! How dare this fucking cheese challenge me, who the fuck did it think it was? I once again looked around the table at my dining companions, their eager faces awash with anticipation, they were desperately awaiting my cheese expertise. They NEEDED to know what this cheese was, and only I had the answer! Well it was time for me to step up to the plate as they say in baseball, or at least in the baseball movies I have seen. My friends had waited long enough, they deserved to know the truth about this cheese, they deserved to know what kind of cheese it was.
I composed myself,
I took a deep breath and I declared in a loud, confident and proud voice,
"It's blue!"
Which is correct,
it was a blue cheese,
how am I supposed to remember the name of it?
Who am I, the memory man?
Now I should let you know, I am recalling this incident from memory several days after the event in question, there is a small chance I may have made it seem more dramatic (or perhaps longwinded and dull) than it actually was.
Anyway, back to the story.
There was also a hard cheese on the plate, I'm not sure what it was, and Alice turned to me and asked,
“Is that the sausage cheese?”
The Sausage cheese?
What the hell is the sausage cheese?
Whatever it is, it sounds awesome!
On one hand you’ve got sausages, which are ace!
On the other hand you’ve got cheese, which is also ace!
Now put your hands together!
Amazing!
Sausage cheese!
I never managed to get a definitive answer from Alice about what sausage cheese actually is.
Is it cheese flavoured sausages?
Is it sausage flavoured cheese?
Is it sausages covered in cheese?
Is it cheese covered in sausages?
Is it sausages stuffed with cheese?
Is it cheese stuffed with sausages?
I don’t know, but I really, really want to find out!
During dinner the banter was in full swing, throughout the course of the meal our conversation topics included but were not limited to:
- How Kevs brother used to deal in Porn at school.
- Kevs brothers masturbation technique.
- How awesome the food was!
- How much beer we could fit into the massive glass's we had been provided with (3 cans).
- Mark & Kev telling various (highly exaggerated) embarrassing stories about me, which they love telling whenever we meet new people
- Our favourite Jews.
By the end of that particular conversation we decided that everyone in the world is actually jewish.
And by everyone we mean, everyone, everyone in the whole wide world ever, ever, ever!
Bill Clinton, he is a jew.
Samuel L Jackson, he is a jew.
Mel Gibson, he is a jew.
Abraham Lincoln, he was a jew.
Adolf Hitler was actually a jew
Even you, oh reader of this shitty blog, you are a jew.
Mozeltof!
Being a jew sounds pretty cool tho.
As always if you can't see the video that should be above this text then you are a fool! Stop reading this crap on Facebook and click here.
Dinner was truly Awesome, a massive thank you again to Rod & Bron for allowing a drunken moron like me the privilege of being in attendance.
Thats enough for now.
In the mean time you can look forward to,
Rod & Brons Xmas Party part 2 : Christmas Olympics
I'll post that in a couple of days.
That will include such exciting things as,
The United States of Assbangistan.
A battle which pits me against the man who once threw a drink in my retina.
Mark in a mince pie eating competition.
A magic piano!
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
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*To the best of my knowledge, sausage cheese does not actually exist. Therefore this offer is, of course, not valid. If you subscribe you will receive no complimentary sausage or cheese products. All you will receive are several annoying emails which contain the inner workings of the mind of Andy G, and thats some scary shit!
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