Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Rod & Brons Xmas Party Part II: Christmas Olympics

Hows it goin?
This is Part II of the Epic story that is Rod & Brons Xmas Party

So we had just had a massive and fantastic meal, and we were ready to get our drink on. The banter was still in full swing, and then our host took to the stage (he stood on a chair). Now that dinner was over it was time for the nights MAIN event!
Christmas Olympics!
Christmas Olympics comes from the deepest darkest corners of Rods Mind.
It's an impressive place.
The man is a genius!
Our two tables were assigned team names.


My table was Assbangistan,
My heart fills with Pride to think that we were representing Assbangers everywhere!
Each team also had to choose a national anthem to sing after each victory, at one point our national anthem was the theme tune to The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air , we changed it at the last minute to something more appropriate.
The Christmas Olympics consisted of 7 games, each pitting one member of our fair nation against the enemy.
Round 1
The Electro Tank Battle
Each player has a radio controlled tank, every time you shoot your opponents tank he gets an electric shock delivered to him from the controller. Playing for us was Richard Jones.

He fought a valiant battle, but I am sad to say in the end we were defeated.
We were defeated by a man wearing a jumper like that!
It was a close call though.
That was one nil to the enemy. Richards opponent took to the podium, accepted his medal and stood proudly as his team mates sang their national anthem.
"We're Yorkshire! We're Barmy! We're off our fucken heads!"

Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 1
The United States of Assbangistan 0

Round 2
The Mince Pie Eating Contest

It was here that we unleshed our secret weapon, MARK!
We couldn’t lose!
In his own words,
“That’s the one for me!”
The two players took up there positions, the game was to eat as many mince pies as you can in 60 seconds. Rod placed 6 pies in front of each contestant. They each took a swig of beer for added throat lubrication, the tension was high, we were already losing, but only by one point. You could see how nervous the opposition were, and rightly so. The Assbangers were gonna bang there Ass's. (metaphorically speaking)
The contest had begun,
I'll be honest I was getting really into this!
I screamed at the top of my voice.
"Do this for your country! You’re an Assbanger!!!"
"Do it for Assbangers everywhere!"
Mark shoved the first pie in his mouth,
he then had a look of panic in his eyes.

He looked like he was gonna be sick. He had eaten far too much for dinner.
His opponent was into his third pie and Mark had just finished his first.
I couldn’t believe it!
I was livid!
Then the final whistle blew.
His opponent had managed 4 & a half pies, Mark had managed 1
I am concerned that someone may have kidnapped the real Mark and replaced him with this clone!
Once more, we witnessed our rivals take the medal and we were subjected to there national anthem.
"We're Yorkshire! We're Barmy! We're off our fucken heads!"
Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 2
The United States of Assbangistan 0

Round 3
The Piano A Thon Thing
(It had a better name, but I was quite drunk by this point)

Rod has a piano in his house, and it has some kind of magic pedals, you put some roll thing into the piano and continually press the magic pedals & the piano plays itself. The goal here was to press the pedals as fast as you can in order to play the song (Silent Night) as fast as you can. Whoever plays the song fastest wins.
Our opponent went first. She did quite well, during her performance, her boyfriend was there screaming encouragement at her.
“Come on! Faster, faster! Harder, harder!"
If someone in another flat overheard this, they may have thought something else was going on.
She finished in quite a respectable time. 1:05:04.
Not too shabby.
It was Kevs turn, he stepped up to the piano, determined to win his team a medal.
The clock started.
Again I got far too excited by this whole competition and like a deranged cheerleader, I started screaming encouragement.
“Come on Kev! Move those fucken legs! Come on Kev! You can do it!
Don’t let us down!”
It was at this point I had a moment of self realisation, I was screaming like an idiot, for my friend to play the paino with his feet. It all seemed a bit stupid, I realised I was a tad drunk and in danger of making a fool of myself. I quietened down, took a gulp from my beer and watched quietly watched Kev play the Magic Piano with his feet.
Then Alice (his girlfriend) stood up on the chair behind me and started screaming like an even more deranged cheerleader!
“Come on Kev! Move your legs!”
Then I had another moment of self realisation,
I was standing there screaming at my friend to play silent night on a piano, with his feet, and he had to do it in less than one minute and five seconds, and I had a massive glass full of beer in front of me!
Kev pushed as hard and as fast as he could, and when the last chord was struck, the clock was stopped.
The room was silent, all in apprehension of what was to come.
Had we won?
Was the first victory for our fair country, was this our moment, is this what would make us proud to be Assbangers?
Rod, with a gleeful expression on his face announced,
“The time, ladies and gentle men is…………..
one minute………………..
five seconds………………
point 4!"

It was a draw.
To the millisecond!
We were all amazed by this, both players were exhausted so rather than have a re match we decided to call it a draw and each team got one point.
It was with great pride that we finally got to sing our national anthem
Not sure if the Audioboo I put in this post will work on facebook, if you can't see it then click here
Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 3
The United States of Assbangistan 1

Here we go!
We were on the come back trail!
Round 4

It was my turn.
I was going to charade the shit out of this round!
I was pitted against Rod's brother Neil, a man I had only met once before at Richards Stag Do, he threw a drink in my eye which led to the infamous quote,

“There’s a drink in my Retina!”

For charades we had to act out a Beetles song picked at random from a Beetles book. Rod flicked through the pages and wherever it stopped that was the song.
I had never heard of most of my songs. I attempted to charade (is that a verb?) The Night Before.
I couldn’t think, I had to act fast as the clock was against me. I showed the various signs to indicate I was going to mime the second word.
Sounds like.
Now I had to get something that sounds like, night.
I couldn’t think, my mind turned to mush, filled with beer, and port, and turkey, and more beer.
I did the first thing that entered my mind, I slapped my arse. I was attempting to get the answer Shite, because it sounds like night. This in retrospect was an incredibly stupid thing to do. I moved on from there and managed to convey the word "before." It was at this point Kev in his infinite wisdom started shouting out,
“Hey Jude.”
I shook my head.
And then he shouted it again.
And again.
And again.
I gave up in the end.
I am ashamed to say I lost this round.
It turns out I am not a true Assbanger.

Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 4
The United States of Assbangistan 1

The next round was one of my favourites.
Round 5
The Limbo Round!

After I disgracefully lost the charades round, Rod uttered two words of the English Language I never thought I would hear together. “Limbo Machine”
Now when he said Limbo machine, I fully expected him to come back with a stick, but it was a genuine Limbo machine.
It shot out this string and it goes round in a loop and you can set it at various heights.
It's Amazing!
Now at this point I may be perceived as bias, but we were robbed of victory!
The opposition touched the bottom string with her foot and the whole thing collapsed. In our teams mind, that’s perfect, we won! Lovin it.
However the opposition protested and the judge (Rod) ruled that one mistake was allowed by each team.
Our player also made a similar mistake in the next round.
So now the stakes were high, the next mistake would cost us the game.
We got throughout the next round and as the limbo string got continually lower and lower. Our man made a crucial mistake and hit the limbo strong, our opponent still had to take her go but if she made it through then we would be even. We would still be in with a chance.
She aprached the limbo string, she bent backwards and limbo’d thru, she made it, but as she was returning to her normal posture, she grazed the back of the string and disturbed it. The judge chose to ignore this so the victory went to the opposition. As I said, we were robbed.
Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 5
The United States of Assbangistan 1

Round 6
Play Your Cards Right
The title of this round is fairly self explanatory, if you don't know what play your cards right is then you have not lived! Kim was our player and she did very well, we got 5 cards in a row. We swapped one and ten got caught out with a Jack and a King.
The opposition played and some of us were clearly not paying close enough attention. I am fairly certain they lost But the girl turning the cards went a bit mental and said we were tied because we swapped one. She seemed to be taking this all a bit too seriously.
We desided on a replay, but that’s alright cos we had Kim on our side. Kim has never lost anything in her entire life! We kicked ass and the medal was ours!

Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 5
The United States of Assbangistan 2
Then came the last and final round.
Round 7
The Karaoke Round

In retrospect I should have gone for this round. As I am sure you are aware, I am an awesome singer! (Click here if you don’t believe me)
It was Rayne versus our head chef/drunken host Rod. They were singing baby its cold outside on an Xbox 360 game. It wasn't the Tom Jones & Cerys from Catatonia version, which made us nervous as Rayne is welsh, we were hoping that would give her an edge. In the end it was an edge she didn’t need.
She kicked ASS! Well done Rayne! She sang her little welsh heart out and won us another medal.
Peoples Democratic Rebublic Of Morley 5
The United States of Assbangistan 3
That was it, the games were over, it was time for,

The Final Challenge

Rod had recently purchased this rather strange looking horn, It could fit 3 pints in there and the rules were, for every medal your team won, a quarter of a pint would be taken out. Your three best drinkers had to take the stage and drink from the horn of drunkness and whichever teams drinks the fastest wins!
Our opposition had to drink two pints between three of them.
They did in quite a respectable time, 52.4 seconds. This included a 5 second penalty because potty had a big spillage.

Next it was time for our boys to drink. For our team we nominated Kev, Jones and James. They drank as fast as they could, we had half a pint more than the opposition so the heat was on. They did remarkably well. We finished in 57 seconds including a 5 second penalty because Jonesy spilt!

This meant we had lost.
But I still believe it was a moral victory for the people of Assbangistan!
That's a hell of a lot I've written, I very much doubt most people will read all this but this is mainly a record for my benefit. As the year is coming to a close, I was thinking the other day about writing a review of 2009. Then I realised, I can't remember much. I'm sure I did some interesting things this year but most of which are a drunken blur. Quite worrying really.
The Story of Rod & Brons Christmas Party concludes in a couple of day with Part III: Return of The Magic Piano
That will include such exciting things as
  • More from the Magic Piano
  • Muppets
  • Kev going mad with power
  • A very odd game involving wooden sticks
  • another marriage proposal
  • and I embarrass Illaria by letting all you wonderful readers listen to the voicemail she left me!
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
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