The Great Handmade Burger Conspiracy Part One: An exploding bus, a homeless Noel Edmonds, and a picture of a pineapple.

Hi 

How's it goin? 

Continuing in my new series of posts featuring restaurant reviews, today I'm gonna talk about Handmade Burger. I have done a review on them before, when I wrote about the new Union Square shopping centre in Aberdeen.

Last week I went to Handmade Burger with Althea. We've been a couple of times before and it's always good. And we had a voucher giving us two for one which expires in just a few days, so it would have been stupid not to.

On the bus to town Althea's banter was once again on top form. These are the top three comments from Althea last time we were on a bus together.

"I'm so hungover I think my head is going to fall out"

Althea: Give me smints! 

Andy: I just gave you smints. 

Althea: Give me more. 

Andy: Why? 

Althea: To concentrate on so I'm not sick. 

Andy: Fair do's

After about 5 minutes on the bus, it started making very strange noises. We were convinced it was going to explode and kill everyone on board. Althea said this,

"Andy, if we die, I just want you to know..........."

"...You're a SPAZ!!!"

On this particular day, amazingly neither of us were hungover. The conversation turned to a newly married mutual friend who we have not seen for a while.

Althea: I've not seen her in ages.

Andy: Me neither. I suspect she's off enjoying married life.

Althea: Yeah. Oh she might still be on honeymoon, they were going away for like a month or something weren't they?

Andy: I think so, but they got married in August, it's now late January.

Althea: Shut up!

After arriving in town, Althea insisted on going to get her eyebrows waxed/plucked/stripped. Whatever the hell it is that girls do to eyebrows, she was going to get it done. Afterwards she asked me how it looked, I didn't notice any difference, they looked the same, except the area was bright red.

Althea: It's really soar, do they look really red?

Andy: Ermmm a little, but only if you look at them.

She then attempted to walk around with her hair in front of her face to hide the fact that she had bright red eyebrows. 

I pointed out that she looked like Cousin It from The Addams Family, and she was very likely to walk into a door. She then moved her hair and walked around with very red eyebrows.

We arrived at Union Square and made our way to Handmade Burger, I was clutching my voucher ready to hand it over and enjoy a top quality discounted burger!

Cheap meal here I come!!

We slowly approached the restaurant, I noticed something a bit odd. There was no queue. This is a Sunday afternoon. The place should be packed.

Hmmmm.

We approached the front door and realised what was wrong.

The place was filled with smoke.

Oh dear god no!

The place is gonna go down in flames!

And I haven't used my voucher yet!

I was relieved to discover that the place was not on fire, but they had a problem with the ventilation. The guy at the door said someone is trying to fix it now, but no guarantees and they are not taking in any more tables until it's fixed. He said to try back in 20 minutes, but couldn't promise anything.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

I wanted my free burger!!

I was gutted.

I bet the staff were loving it. Having spent several years as restaurant management, I have developed a hatred for the public. And there is no better feeling than when you turn people away!

It's just awesome.

It means the staff can take it easy and maybe get away early.

Lucky bastards.

If I would have been working there, I would have been praying for it to be irreparable damage.

We moseyed along to Starbucks and had a couple of coffee's while we waited. I have developed an appreciation for Starbucks lately. I quite often go there with Laura who seems to be ever so slightly addicted to the place. I went there a lot during December and was a big fan of the festive coffees they had on offer.

• The Gingerbread Latte
• The Toffee Nut Latte
• The Peppermint Mocha

They were all very good, and the only reason I bought any of them in the first place was the fact they had a big bright red poster advertising them. I'm the highly suggestible type. Shove something in my face and I'll probably buy it. Sadly christmas is over and apparently so are the festive coffees. 

One thing that confuses me about almost all coffee shops, is the way they label the sizes of cups. In Starbucks the smallest size available is Tall. Which doesn't make sense to me. If someone is tall then they aren't really small are they?

That's mental.

After Tall is Grande. Which is understandable I guess. But then the next size up is Venti.

What the hell is a Venti?

I thought perhaps this was some kind of in joke due to the ventilation problems at Handmade Burger. Was this some kind of cunning ploy cooked up between Handmade Burger and Starbucks? No tables for 20 minutes so why not go grab a Starbucks while you wait?

Genius.

Evil Genius, but still genius.

I doubt this is actually true, but you never know.

Anyway, I joined the queue and waited to order my coffee, the guy in front of me was looking at the sandwiches, but not just looking, he was giving every sandwich a very thorough inspection. I wondered if perhaps he was from trading standards, but he was wearing a jumper like the ones Noel Edmonds wore in Telly Addicts in the Eighties but it was really shabby and worn. He looked essentially like a homeless Noel Edmonds circa 1989.

He picked up every single sandwich on display, looked at it from every possible angle and then put it back down on the shelf. I tried to go in front of him as clearly the simple task of choosing a panini was proving too difficult and was going to take him another 7 hours. He then looked at me with the evilest of evil looks I have ever seen!

"Excuse me, I think you'll find that I'm next!"

He said in a voice which made him sound like a bad guy from Harry Potter, but one with special needs, and that looked like a homeless version of Noel Edmonds. He then put down the sandwich, ordered a cup of tea and wandered off. He didn't even order the sandwich, I guess that none of them met with his very high standards.

Maybe he just likes to day dream about the wonder that is, the steak and cheese panini from Starbucks.I eventually ordered a caramel latte and Althea had a double espresso.

Admittedly in this picture the Tall mug does indeed look very Tall. But it is next to an espresso cup. So of course it does! You muppet.
It's not just Starbucks that have weird names for coffee sizes. It's everywhere. When I first moved to Edinburgh in late 2008, my good friend and flatmate Richard P was manager of a coffee shop. It also had weird names for sizes, if I remember correctly they were:

• Wicked
• Totally Wicked
• Radical

I could be misremembering that, but it was along those lines. What's wrong with small, medium and large?

When I arrived at the table Althea was distracted by a baby sitting at a nearby table. The baby was wearing a pair of shoe's with lights in them, and Althea thought this was quite possibly the coolest thing she has ever seen. Little does she know that when her and Ivano eventually have a baby, one day I know they will ask me to babysit. And I am gonna dress that kid up like Indiana Jones, and THAT will be the coolest thing ever!

We then had a conversation about what actually are the coolest shoes ever. Some people think it's those trainers that have the wheel in the heel, while others believe it's shoes with lights in them.
Thoughts?

During our time in Starbucks, Althea and I also had this conversation.

Althea: I think my contact lens's aren't working. But I'm not sure.

Andy: Why do you think that?

Althea: I can't see anything.

Andy: Probably right then.

Fooking hell, this post is truing out to be a bit longer than I had expected, and not nearly as interesting or funny as I would have hoped.

I think I'll break it into two parts.

So ends part one.

• Will Andy and Althea make it to Handmade burger?
• Will Althea ever be able to see again?
• Will Handmade Burger ever clear out all the smoke?
• Is anyone actually going to read all this crap?
• And why is Andy so happy that he's holding a Pineapple?

Tune in tomorrow.

Same crap blog time, same crap blog channel.

Here's a sneak preview.

• Decorative citrus fruits!
• I invent an x-rated drink.
• The international hand gesture for "Am I in a gay bar?"
• Althea tells the tale of when she beat someone up.
• We uncover the Great Handmade Burger Conspiracy!

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe then your life will never be complete. Sorry I don't make the rules.

Mad Libs: Snowed in (Certificate 18)

Hi

How's it goin?

A couple of weeks ago I was having a bit of a bad day. My computer had crashed for the 12th time that day, I had a shit load of college work to do, the snow was causing all manor of havoc and I was, and currently still am, broke. Suffice to say I was in a bit of a bad mood, to top it all off I stubbed my toe on the door.

Stupid Door.

I had no way to vent my anger, unfortunately I was not at work so I could not verbally abuse customers or staff. I couldn't even hurl abuse at the dog as Grappa was hiding in her bed plotting my demise. So I wrote another Mad Lib, but this time every word I used was a swear word.

I looked through the available Mad Lib games on my phone, and this one seemed appropriate.

Please be aware this blog post is certificate 18! 

It contains many naughty words.

Here is a short video regarding the 18 certificate.
Please be aware this video is NSFW. (Not Suitable For Work)

If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

SNOWED IN

If you can't get out of your house because of a sudden SHIT storm, don't panic. You'll be CUNTINGLY safe if you have the following ARSEHOLES on hand:

1) At least one flash DICK in working condition with plenty of extra FUCKS.

2) A DICKNOSE operated radio that receives both AM and C.B. FUCKHEADS.

3) A First-aid CUNT.

4) A weeks supply of FUCKED water.

5) Warm Clothes. Preferably woolen ARSES, thermal FUCKS, and, of course, CUNTED underwear.

6) Emergency numbers for the police and fire BASTARDS, your BUGGERED doctor and a close ARSE member posted in a convenient CRAP.

 

For more information on MAD LIBS, check out madlibs.com

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time 

Have A Nice 

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I will write a Mad Lib all about you. 

Mad Libs: Close Dancing Is Cool......Again.

Hi

How's it goin?

Have you ever heard of Mad Libs?

Neither had I. Well not really. I had heard the name mentioned on American TV shows, but I never knew what it was. I was watching an episode of Friends the other day, and someone said "Mad Libs." I was curious to finally discover the truths about Mad Libs. So I did what any sensible human being does, I googled it.

Turns out it's a word game, and as with almost everything else in life, there's an app for that. I immediately downloaded it.

Here are the instructions.

Alrighty, did everyone get that?

If not, you're an idiot, go back and read it again. And if you still don't get it, go to the highest point of the building you are currently in, and jump off. You are clearly a fucking moron and the world will be a better place without you in it. 

So I was keen to do a Mad Lib, I scrolled through the available stories and found one I liked the sound of.

Everyone knows I am a hell of a dancer.

So then all I needed was some words. The way Mad Libs work, is you need other people who don't know what the story is about to say random words. However I was on my own. There were no other people in the room to shout words at me, so I used the power of the internet. My Auntie Shona was the first to try and help out. Although she said the wrong word. I should point out that clearly my Auntie Shona doesn't know me very well. If she did she most likely would have said stupid, instead of astounding.

I was struggling, I had only put in two words, and had 15 more to go. I text my friend Laura, she works in PR and writes things for a living, surely she must know a good plural noun. This is what she replied with.

Hmmm? 

Gotta wonder what kind of people she is doing PR for?

And then I ran out of people, I had asked everyone who was online at the time, I needed a part of the body and an adjective, and then staring me in the face was Scott Ironside. 

Not literally. 

He wasn't in the room.

That would have been weird. I saw his picture was on facebook. And I needed a part of the body. So I picked BEARD. As he is the beardiest person I know.

Then all I needed was an adjective. 

Just one little adjective and this game would be over and my quest would be complete. I would be a Mid Libber (is that a real thing?). I was desperate for that last adjective, but could find no one online, so I put the one thing that came to mind. 


TIRED.

So there you go, half an hour of annoying people on the internet has resulted in this short story being created.

CLOSE DANCING IS COOL.....AGAIN

The waltz, the merengue, swing, and ballroom drinking are making a comeback with kids of all joneses. A recent study shows an astounding percentage of students in elementary aliens, middle aliens and even high aliens are dropping their Phys Ed ideas in golf, bowling and jockstrap-pong to take up hat dancing. 

Close dancing, in which partners hold each other's shits and put their cats around each others thighs, is considered frantically cool these days. Sociologists predict that within the next 8 years, almost all teen sheep will once again be dancing cheek to beard to the sound of a tired band.

And there it is! A Mad Lib. My first Mad Lib. Now I understand what all these americans have been doing all these years.


Not that impressive was it?


Never mind, kept me amused for half an hour or so by annoying people on the internet.

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then next time I write a Mad Lib I'll come to you for a verb.

Love In The Time Of Kebabs

Hi

How's it goin? 

As promised, here is the sequel to the short story I posted yesterday. 

LOVE IN THE TIME OF KEBABS

Andy was drunk, still.

It was 2 am; he had no idea where his mates were. He had lost Gary after he had been thrown out of the club for having an argument with a mirror. The bouncers refused to let him back in, they even turned down his attempt at bribery. In their defence he only had £6 in his pocket.

He had no idea where anyone was, all he knew was that he was starving! So the bouncers loss would be the kebab shops gain. He headed to Abra Kebabra and ordered a large pepperoni pizza.

It was then he saw her, she was gorgeous. She was perhaps the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her long blonde hair shone like the sun, her short skirt showed off her long legs that seemed to go on forever. He instantly fell madly in love with this girl.

Unfortunately for him, he was quite drunk. Fortunately for him, he wasn't overly drunk, he was drunk enough to know he was drunk, which in his mind gave him the advantage.

He didn’t want to stagger over there like a drunken moron. He didn’t want to use some cheesy line that every loser guy had tried on her before. He needed to be different, he wanted to be confident, direct and romantic. 

He thought long and hard about what to say. And then it came to him, like a lightening strike in his mind, the perfect way to start a conversation. This was genius, this could not fail. This was classy, subtle, intelligent, and romantic all at the same time. 

“Wanna fuck?” he asked.

“No thank you.” She said with a mixture of disgust and pity.

“Why not, don’t you like fucking?” Andy replied.

And then she left.

Out of his life forever, he missed her already.

But then he turned around, and saw a redhead in a low cut top.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do not subscribe then I will leave you in a room alone with Grappa The Crazy Killer Demon Dog From Hell, and she will destroy you, just like she did to Otto The Octopus.

Excuse Me!

Hi

How's it goin? 

A big thank you to everyone who bought my book last week while it was discounted. I have now sold a grand total of 47 copies! Remember people, Christmas is coming, and if anyone is interested in buying in bulk for christmas presents then a discount can be arranged. 

Send me an email and I'll see what I can do.

I thought it was just friends who had been buying but apparently not.  My book was recently read by someone who is NOT FAMOUS,

Those of you on twitter should follow @RealNotFamous and see what non famous antics this person gets up to.

I am also getting some international readers, the Spanish are loving my book.

See?

Those of you who have bought and read Fifty Envelopes will no doubt have seen the last page where I give you a glimpse at the cover of my next book, "Insert Title Here."

Don't worry I haven't been out buying more envelopes, this is a collection of 64 illustrated short stories. I am hoping to have a preview ready for sale before christmas. It is being illustrated by the very talented and truly awesome Diana Leto. I am hoping that by writing that previous sentence this will motivate her to send me the preview edition so we can start selling. 

In the mean time I thought I would give you a sneak peak at one of the stories (without illustration). This is called Excuse Me. 

And it is based on a true story.

EXCUSE ME

Andy was drunk, again.

He and Gary were dancing their asses off. In their minds they were like John Travolta, in reality they were like John Goodman.

They headed to the bar. Andy downed a pint of lager, although he didn’t know why as he ordered a vodka coke. He made a mistake earlier, he had broken the seal, and now he was peeing every 10 minutes. He staggered around the club trying to find the men’s room. Eventually he saw the sign, he followed the arrow and went through the door. He somehow managed to negotiate the stairs without falling. How he did this no one knows, let alone Andy. Arriving at the bottom of the stairs bruise free, he turned the corner and bumped into someone.

“Sorry mate.” he said apologetically.

Andy did the decent thing, stepped to the side and tried to step forward in order to pass, but this idiot did exactly the same thing. They bumped into each other again.

“Shall we dance?” Andy said jokingly, trying to hide the fact he was so drunk. 

Andy then stepped back.

“After you.”  He said quite politely.

The guy didn’t move, and Andy was starting to get pissed off.

“Will you get out of the fucken way!” Andy said angrily.

At this point Gary appeared.

“Who you talking to mate?” Gary asked, confused.

“This fucken idiot here!”

“Dude that’s a mirror.”

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Tomorrow I shall post the sequel to this story,

"Love In The Time Of Kebabs."

I'm sure you will all be waiting on the edge of your seat! 

It shall be posted tomorrow at the crack of noon.

That's All For Now 

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I will come to your house, cook you a sumptuous 3 course dinner and then after dinner I will do the macarena 

Another short story

Hi
Hows it goin?


A couple of months ago I posted a short story I wrote, most people seemed to like it.
So here's another one.

Struck off

Dr Harper had been struck off. He felt terrible. He’d received a lifetime ban from ever practicing again. He broke one of the fundamental rules in his profession.

Never get romantically involved with a patient.

It started off innocently enough; if he was honest he didn’t even like her at first. She was a real bitch with a bad attitude. But over time he began to see the real her.

She was a regular patient so he saw her at least every couple of weeks. As time passed and the weeks became months he began to find himself looking forward to her visits. Then one day, out of the blue, he realised.

He was in love.

But she was a patient, he couldn’t. It was against the rules. He began to suspect she had feelings too. She always seemed so happy to see him.

Eventually it happened.

It finally happened.

He made a move and she reciprocated.

He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t help himself.

It didn’t last long, they got found out and Dr Harper was fired. 

It was a real shame.

He really was the best vet in the area.

Thats All For Now


Until Next Time


Have A Nice


Andy G


If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."


If you do subscribe then maybe one day I will write a short story about you