I have written a book

Hi 

Hows it goin?

As regular readers will know I once set myself the challenge of writing 50 letters. I have now completed that challenge and I have compiled them all into one handy place.

My first book!

The book is called Fifty Envelopes and is available RIGHT NOW!

It's a proper book, with words and everything! I even put in a few pictures!

It contains all fifty letters which I have written over the course of a year plus any reply that was received. And chronicles some of the adventures surrounding them, including my trip to Blackpool for Paul & Sonya's wedding. And all the incidents involving the Amusingly named sandwich shop.

Obviously some of the letters have already appeared in the blog. But a hell of a lot of them haven't. Like the letter to the police.

The letter to a popular cereal company

The letter I sent to my potential future wife.

And the greatest R.S.V.P. ever sent for a wedding.

All this and more. I've put a lot of work into this. I think you'll like it. A massive thank you goes to Diana Leto who helped me design the cover and put in hours and hours of work in the formatting of the book.

Diana you are a legend.

Fifty Envelopes is 172 pages long and only costs £5.99 (plus postage and packaging), that's less than 4 pence a page!

The book is available for purchase online here!

You should go and buy it, cos its awesome. And I really need the money.

If you wrote a book I'd buy it. And that's a fact.

Once again my book is available HERE!

Click on that link and buy it. Do it now.

NOW!

Go on you know you want to.

Since some of the letters have already appeared on the blog already, I didn't see the point in giving you a sneak preview. But since I am a nice guy here is a look at the table of contents.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G 

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then you will receive a discount on my next book.

101 fun things to do in a lift

Hi

Hows it goin?

I think the title says it all really. For those of you who read 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G, you may have noticed, 
Number 25: Andy G once wrote 101 fun things to do in a lift. 
I wrote these nearly 10 years ago for my school yearbook and thought I would share them with you now.

Some of these have some video clips along with them, so stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.

101 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

1: Call the lift your ship and make all the passengers your crew and bark orders at them.

2: Take along some animals and start a zoo

3: Start a disco dancing competition

4: Talk to your thumb

5: Pretend you are on Star Trek and every time you push a button say something like "To the ground floor, warp factor 8. Engage!"

6: Do your ironing

7: Do a strip tease

8: Ask what floor people want and push the wrong button

9: Wear a sailors uniform and greet every passenger by saying "Ahoy there matey!"

10: Set up a shop which sells nothing but pornography and gardening magazines

11: Sell used cars

12: Sell your friends

13: Sell yourself

14: Try to burst your spots

15: Try to burst other peoples spots

16: Ask people for the time and when they tell you, look at your watch and say "Oh yeah."

17: Ask people for the time, if they say they don't know then look at your watch and shout "WELL I DO!"

18: Wear a pair of rollerblades and attempt to "grind" the other passengers

19: Take the chewing gum out of your mouth and offer it to the other passengers

20: Pick your nose and offer it to the other passengers

21: Start a nightclub and don;t let anyone in unless they are over 18 or really good looking

22: Hold the annual Aberdeen football club fan club convention

23: Take a blow up doll and have some fun

24: Take a blow up sheep and have some fun

25: Take along some soil and plant a tree

26: Reassess Einstein's theory of relativity

27: Try to eat the other passengers

28: Try to eat the lift

29: Try to eat your own shoes

30: Try to eat a pot noodle (no one wants to eat a pot noodle)

31: Try to eat yourself

32: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce in a loud and confident voice,

"I AM A FISH!!"

33: Continuously sing Bohemian Rhapsody and head bang at the appropriate part

34: Perform River Dance

35: Create your own religion and try to convert some people

36: Try and undo the straps on your straight jacket

37: Stand in the corner and head butt the wall

38: Every now and then, bark like a dog

39: Every now and then, Baa like a sheep

40: Ask every passenger to marry you

41: Bring along a bed and have a power nap

42: Say that you are Elvis and you faked your own death in order to pursue a career in lift operation, then start singing to prove it.

43: Talk to your foot

44: DO your best Dom Joly impression (if you can't see the video below CLICK HERE)

45: Take your maths homework with you and get the other passengers to do it for you by calling it market research on the maths skills of the british public

46: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then shout in a loud, confident voice,

"I AM FANTRATA WHOOOBEEYAA THE VOODOO KING!!"

47: Take a yoyo with you and hit the other passengers on the head by doing an "all around the world"

48: Open a restaurant

49: Hide in a coffin and make groaning noises occasionally

50: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then roar at them

51: Ask every passenger who comes comes in if they think chickens are attractive

52: Smile and make pleasurable moaning noises, then say, "sorry my mobile is on vibrate."

53: Say to everyone who comes in, "Oh my god, you killed Kenny, you bastard!"

54: Hop around and pretend to be a kangaroo

55: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then say "I've got new socks on."

56: Say that you are santa and ask every passenger what they want for christmas

57: (if you are male) When an attractive woman gets on the lift, stand in the corner and mutter to yourself, "Down boy, down boy"

58: Shout "SNIPER" and drop the ground

59: Hum the mission impossible tune and do commando rolls

60: Call everyone who comes on the lift Bob

61: Start singing "I will survive"

63: Make airplane noises

64: Challenge every passenger to a duel

65: Quickly take off your jacket, throw it to the floor and stamp on it, and start shouting, "IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE!!" Then faint.

66: Ask everyone who comes on the lift, "Who would win in a fight, Superman or Captain Birdseye?"

67: Say hello to another passenger and if they ignore you say, "Oh come on, don't be mad, I know we both said some things that we didn't mean, but it doesn't mean we still don't love each other."

68: Pretend to be a teletubbie and say "eh-oh" every now and then

69: Take a whoopee cushion on board and let the hilarity commence

70: Open a shoe shop

71: Give yourself a hair cut

72: Start panicking and screaming with fear every time the lift moves and grab onto another passenger for safety

73: Say "Ok who farted"

74: Ask another passenger "You haven't seen a fried egg lying around here have you?"

75: Say "MOOOOOO" occasionally

76: Say to another passenger "Hey hey good lookin!"

77: Take a pencil out of your pocket, hold it like a sword and shout at another passenger "ON GUARD!"

78: Put on a ginger wig and claim to be Bianca from Eastenders

79: Play table tennis

80: Breed ferrets

81: Put on a rock concert

82: Create a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision making, abstract thought and completely indistinguishable from the real thing.

83: Become a Madonna imersonator

84: Form a band and "Jam"

85: Hold the next general election

86: Open a gerbil race track

87: Fill the lift with water and go scuba diving

88: Sell double glazing

89: Have a wrestling match

90: Do a trapeze act

91: Build a housing estate

92: Re enact every scene from "Short Circuit"

93: Put up a picture of yourself which says, "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE, FOR THE DEATH OF SEVERAL CHICKENS IN THE LOCAL AREA"

94: Film an episode of "Top Gear"

95: Bet the other passengers that you can jump up and down on one foot until your hipbone is pounded into dust

96: Sell the dust collected from your hipbone

97: Bet the other passengers that you can stick a £20 note up your nose, when they give you the note, run away.

98: Open a betting shop

99: Perform a stand up comedy show

100: Read The Blog Of Andy G

101: Write 101 more fun things to do in a lift

These were all written aprox ten years ago, I changed a couple because they were specific to the school. I wonder if anyone is actually gonna read all this shite? If you have I bet you feel a bit let down eh?

Come on, gimme a break. 


I'm trying to post something original every fucking day for a month, that's not easy.

So fuck you!

Sorry, I haven't had a Red Bull for nearly 3 weeks and I am suffering from withdrawal.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I will do something fun in a lift, with you!

Another thing I learned last week but forgot to mention

Hi

Hows it goin?

I arrived at school on Monday morning, with a spring in my step. Today was audition day, today was student loan day and most importantly, I just downed a can of Red Bull. So I was in an uncharacteristically good mood considering it was 9am. 

Then, quite out of the blue, one of my classmates, Becca, said quite abruptly,

"I was very disappointed in your blog on Friday."

This took me somewhat by surprise. It is no secret that I possess the literary skills of a retarded monkey, but most people are nice enough to ignore that and not tell me, fearing that I might cry or something.

I probably would, I can be quite emotional you know.

However, her disappointment did not stem from my atrocious spelling, she didn't care about my appalling grammar, she wasn't even bothered about the there/their issue. 

(Aders, I promise you I'm working on it.) 

None of that bothered her, I don't think she even noticed. Her disappointment came from the Top 3 Things I learned that week.

She was shocked to discover that I had forgotten to include the most important lesson learned in that week.

The list did not include the fact that it is never a good idea to piss Becca off.

You should never ever got on her bad side, or any woman's bad side for that matter, but especially Becca's.

One day last week we entered our classroom as we always do and most of the class usually end up sitting in the same seat every week. 

On this particular day, she was one of the last people to enter the classroom and someone was sitting where she usually would.

And she was not happy about this.

"THAT'S MY SEAT!" She screamed.

I was terrified.

I swear, there was steam coming out of her ears and her eyes were glowing red like she was possessed.

(Warning: The previous sentence may be an exaggeration.)

I had never seen this side of Becca before.

I now believe she may kill us all one day.

Sadly I did not take a picture of her when this happened. This is mainly due to the fact I was paralysed with fear, like a rabbit caught in the headlights, all I could do was look on as Becca threatened to put a curse upon everyone's children for the next ten generations.

(Warning: this also may be a slight exaggeration.)

I feel it is my duty to warn the people of Aberdeen, and indeed the world.

Yes, it's true, people all over the world read all the CRAP I write. I even had someone reading in Dundee.

 
I don't know who you are lonely Dundonian, but I hope you manage to escape soon. 


Anyway back to the point of this post.


If you ever see Becca, do not, under any circumstances, piss her off!

If she say's jump.

You say, "how high?"

Here is a recent picture of Becca and another classmate Cat (the one who drew this picture of me), this was taking while they were watching porn on Cat's laptop.

(Becca is the one on the right)

That's All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you don't subscribe then I will set Becca on you!

Back to School: The Top 3 Things I Learned This Week

Hi

Hows it goin?

Hope all is cool with you where ever you happened to be in the world.

I am a tad stressed at the moment, filming starts on my movie in 3 weeks and still have to get a cast in place, plus rehearsals, plus I need to take out all the cast for a drink and get one of them drunk enough to sleep with me!

Oh the tough life of a director.

Sadly taking out the cast for a beer is looking unlikely as I am completely skint.

I haven't been getting many shifts at Vincents lately. I'm told this is because it's not busy enough at the moment, I think it's probably because I lost the plot at christmas and quit for 3 days.

So money is tight, which is a pain, it's Dazza's birthday tonight and a few folk are headin out for a drink and Dave even said he was going to have an orangeade. I am gutted I am going to miss this, but sadly at the moment I can't even afford the bus fare into town.

So tonight, instead of going out and drinking too much, dancing like a nutter and arguing with some english girl in a queue for a night club, I will be staying in, drinking black tea cos I don't have any milk, and writing a begging letter to the Student funding office and asking for a grant. I am told they have thousands upon thousands of pounds to give to the poor and needy like me.

I really am needy, honest.

I really, really need a pint!

The time table at school changed last week, I am now in there at 9am on a Monday

11am on a Tuesday

9am on a Wednesday

and 10:30 am on a Thursday.

WHAT THE HELL??

Two 9am starts? I am in serious trouble, and the worst part about this is I can no longer afford Red Bull.

I have written them another letter asking if they would be interested in sponsoring me, I'll let you know how it goes.

So with a new time table means new and interesting class's.

Well new ones at least. We still get time to work on our film and our wednesday morning class is still on for another 10 weeks.

However, I am seriously considering sleeping in on a wednesday, at least for an extra half hour.

For the first half hour in that class on Wednesday morning I did very little, I went on Facebook with my mobile and sent a couple of texts.

The girl sitting next to me was also bored, she decided to keep herself amused by sprucing up my notebook.

So that was a productive morning.

We did get some stuff done during the week. It wasn't all crazy drawings of what are apparently penguins, jumping off a cliff and a carrot which then got changed to a killer triangle of doom.

The Top 3 things I learnt this week are:

Natalie cannot tell a joke.

Cat has a list of things she won't do for money

I have done at least one of those things.

and most importantly

Never, ever, under any circumstances, let KP near you with a marker pen.

Yes, that is my arm, and yes, that it is the word Love, and yes, that is a drawing of a penis.

I wonder how many people are going to accidentally find this blog by searching for "Love Penis?"

Place your bets now.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you subscribe then I promise I will never ever draw a picture of a penis on your arm.

P.S. All week I have been listening to the Mumford & Sons Album, It's brilliant. This is currently my favourite song, the video is a bit odd but the song is ace.

Enjoy

If you can't see the video I posted above then stop reading this crap on facebook and click here.

I have discovered my latent superhero power

Hi

Hows it goin?

Right, first things first!

Thanks for reading the ramblings that a very bored and slightly drunk Andy G writes on a regular basis. But, if you are currently reading this on facebook, just CLICK HERE. This link will take you to the actual blog page, where the layout is much better, plus I have put a video on this particular post and facebook can't handle that shit!

Have you clicked it yet?

You fucken better of!!!

Sorry I've had some wine. (by some I mean a bottle)

(by a bottle I mean a bottle and a half, the other half went into the pasta I had for dinner)

Anyone who is bored enough to read my twitter or my facebook status may have noticed this the other day

This run was inspired by an event which transpired a couple of weeks ago.

I awoke from my afternoon nap, and I had to get ready for work.  I grabbed a pair of clean trousers but something was wrong, something was very wrong.

They no longer fit me.

I was very concerned.

It appeared I was a victim of a crime!

Someone broke into my house, stole my trousers and replaced them with a smaller pair.

And the worst thing was it wasn't just that pair, they stole 3 pairs of my work trousers and replaced them with another pair which were identical in almost every way, except the waist line.

I was outraged!!!

How could someone do this?

Why would someone do this?

I went over it again and again in my mind, it was the only logical explanation, someone must have broken into my flat, and replaced all my work trousers with smaller sizes. 

This was either the work of a very odd trouser thief or an elaborate practical joke.

Then, something happened.

The truth was revealed to me.

I had not been robbed, which in retrospect I wish I had.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For a minute I thought I was pregnant!

Altho then I realised the chances of that are slim, I haven't had any for ages!

Fuck me I am a fat bastard these days aren't I?

Now I know why that girl was sick in my flat a few weeks ago!

(You know who you are!!)

(And to be honest so do a few other people.)

So, as of two weeks ago I made a decision to try and change my ways. And I did, I ate less, I walked to school more often, (except when I overslept) and I drank less (not counting Saturday). And then in the first decent nice day for months I decided to go for a run, well I say a run, more of a jog, a slow jog. 

I can't afford the gym so I am trying the cheap way of getting fit. For a while when I lived in Edinburgh I had a semi decent exercise routine going. I am going to try and implement this again.

I put on my trainers which haven't been worn in about 3 months, left the flat, and started running in a random direction. I ran for about 15 minutes straight and then walked back from where ever the hell I was.

I was knackered at night but still on a bit of a Red Bull high so I still managed to get a lot done.

The next day, as I was walking to school, I noticed something. 

Something I was quite chuffed with.

My jeans felt a little less tight.

Honestly.

I couldn't believe my luck!

I hadn't been doing much exercise, I only changed a couple of small things in my daily routine and went for ONE (not very long) run and I was already losing weight!

I AM THE MAN!!!

Honestly, I walked down that road and felt like a king.

I even treated myself to a sausage sandwich for breakfast as a reward for losing weight!

That morning at school I had to give a presentation about a job I wanted in the media industry.

The majority of the class did a talk on being a director. I did mine on being a writer, I really enjoy writing, and even though I am not particularly talented and my grammar is atrocious and I can never remember if it is there or their, (Happy now Aders???) it's what I hope to do one day.  Sadly I think that may just be yet another dream that goes unfulfilled, like my dream of meeting Jet from Gladiators.

It's alright tho, in the quite likely event that my dream of becoming a writer/producer doesn't happen, I have a back up plan.

RS Mccolls.

I can get cheap Red Bull and get to read all the magazines for free!

Not too shabby eh?

Anyway, as I was saying, my presentation was on writers. I wanted to have a witty and interesting title for my presentation.

In the end I came up with this.

Which stands for, 

Sadly this was a great exaggeration on my part, hence the reason I decided to change the title, in the middle of doing the presentaion to this.

As I said earlier on this particular morning I was felling pretty good, I just had a sausage sandwich and a Red Bull for breakfast, Just did an alright presentation. Now I was honest with myself, it wasn't an awesome presentation, but it was worthy of a pass. I hope. But that didn't really matter, I had lost some weight, with not a lot of effort, maybe I have some kind of super power? 

Maybe I have the ability to control my body mass through the power of my mind!!

Awesome!

I sat down on my chair and waited for my classmate to go up and do yet another talk on being a director. I leaned back on my chair day dreaming about what my superhero name would be.

Maybe, Weight loss man?

Maybe I could get a sponsorship deal from weight watchers.

I could certainly do with the money.

Altho I don't want to hang out with fat people.

Most of them are mingers! 

If any particularly fat people are reading this, please do not take any offense, I'm just being honest, take a look in the mirror, seriously. It's not pretty. Maybe next time you go to an all you can eat buffet, don't treat it as a challenge?

I can't say much myself, I am a fat bastard too. But, I have a newly discovered super power where I can alter my body mass at will!

Anyway, as I was saying, I was leaning back in my chair day dreaming about my new super hero name, when Cat, who was sitting opposite me, I have talked about her before, she drew this picture of me.

Personally I don't see the resemblance but she seemed very happy with it.

Anyway, as I was leaning back on my chair Cat looked over and had a strange expression on her face.

I then discovered why my jeans were feeling a bit less tight.

I had not lost any weight. 

I did not have any secret super powers.

I had forgotten to do up the top two buttons on my jeans.

SHIT!

Oh well never mind.

I would now like to apologise to all the fat people who have read this. 

I feel your pain.

I know what its like, I grew up with a fat sister.

If I have caused any offence to any fat people reading I do offer my genuine apologies and I hope you did not take anything I have said personally.

I would be happy to take you out for a salad sometime.

(Obviously this offer does not count if you are an actual minger, or my sister. I guess those two are one in the same aren't they?)

In other news I read earlier today that Apple have released the new Ipad. Not sure about this new device. It looks to me like a giant  iphone without the phone. Not sure If I will be buying one especially after watching this advert.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

Do you know that every time someone subscribes to The Blog Of Andy G a kitten is saved from extermination.