Sunday, 12 July 2009

Flattery will get you everywhere!

Hows it going? I hope all is cool wherever you happened to be. I've had a very long week at work. it's been another strange week, I will bore you with the details another time. Right now I wanted to share something with you. I was recently asked to provide a reference for a former employee. Joyce Flattery. Being in a position of management I have often been asked to provide references and have often refused because the person in question was shit. joyce and i worked together in Aberdeen and she was definitely one of the best waitress's to ever grace the restaurant. Being the nice guy that I am, I of course gave Joyce a reference. Here it is.

Surname: Flattery
First Name: Joyce
Contact Address: the closest irish pub
E-mail Address(es):
Mobile Telephone No: she dropped it in a pint of Guinness.
Referee's Name: Andy G
Designation: Good Looking ex boss
E-mail Address:
How long have you known the applicant?
It seems like forever
In what capacity did you know the applicant?
l Workplace mentor / supervisor / manager
Technically yes
l Workplace professional colleague
define professional?
l Other (please state the capacity in which you are completing this form) attempted to control her at work (generally failed) witnessed her drink most of the staff under the table.
Please describe the main qualities and attributed of the applicant, including your views on his or her suitability for the above post as outlined in the job description. If you wish to attach an additional sheet, please do so.
Joyce is an amazing person. Everyday I am amazed that she is still alive, considering the amount of alcohol she consumes on a daily basis. This truly is a medical marvel. Alcohol is not her only addiction, she also cannot control her cravings for olives. At last count, she eats approximately 3000 of these a day. While in my employ at the restaurant I once threatened to deduct £5 if I caught her eating another olive. She assumed I was joking and ate an olive. Unfortunately for Joyce, I was born without a sense of humour. The £5 was deducted from her wages and was donated to a very worthy local charity, the A.B.F. (Andy Beer Fund). When describing her qualities I would say she is loud, can swear more than any human being on the planet, slightly insane, and can out drink the 98% of the people on the planet. She is an incredibly open and occasionally overly friendly person, upon meeting my parents for the first time she announced to them she was going to marry me, this frightened me as I did not realize we were in a relationship. The news however, was a relief to my mother, who was beginning to think I was a gay. Even though Joyce had declared that we were to be married, she was still having a very open lesbian relationship with fellow employee Sarah Coonan. They frequently went on dates and quite often discussed them in front of me. I believe this was an attempt to evoke jealousy, which ultimately proved to be unsuccessful. This was much to the benefit of Sarah who I believe is still enjoying an “open relationship” with Joyce. Sadly, Joyce and I never married, upon reflection I believe this is for the greater good, I do not want to take her away from Sarah and more importantly, I do not think my liver could take it.
Regarding her suitability for the vacant position, as I understand Joyce is applying for a job as a pharmacist, this would be incredibly handy for her as she will have much easier access to the various pills everyone believes she takes, this would be the most logical explanation for her personality.
Applicant's current or former job title: Waitress/ Restaurant Minion/Drunkard
Date of employment: can’t remember, most of the time I was drunk.
Please describe the nature of employment, i.e. vacational, Saturday work etc.:
Joyce was employed as a waitress on a part time basis in a busy city centre restaurant. She excelled in this position as this gave her the chance to talk to hundreds of new people every week and fuck me can this girl talk. Most of the customers loved her and several wanted to socialize with her outside of the restaurant. For the most part Joyce refused the advances of customers, this is just as well as I believe some of them simply wanted to harvest her body for organs(if they knew the state of her liver I doubt they would bother.) Joyce was by far the best waitress in the restaurant, this was down to the fact she has the banter of 100 women and she moves faster than a speeding bullet stuck up the arse of a bat outta hell. If she has a red bull then chances are she would move so fast she could turn the earth back on its axis and reverse time like in Superman the movie. (although that makes no scientific sense, it was still a good movie!)
Summary of main duties:
Please comment on the applicant's performance under the following headings:
Please rate the applicant in terms of:
a) Quality of work:
Excellent as long as she was at least semi sober!
b) Performance in the job
Every night with Joyce is a performance
c) Relationships with others/Team-working
Very good, has at least one lesbian relationship, desperately wanted to marry the boss (me) and generally loved by all the staff. However if you are a slow worker then, she would eat you for breakfast! Literally. Several staff members disappeared after one shift and were never heard from again.
d) Unsupervised work/Use of initiative:
Excellent, as long as she is kept away from the olives.
e) Attendance
Excellent as long as she gets St Paddy’s day off and does not have to work for at least a week after.
f) Timekeeping
Frequently late, possibly due to burying the remains of the staff she killed or lesbian rendezvous’ with Sarah Coonan.
In your opinion, what are the applicant's strengths?
Drinking ability, banter, good dancer (not as good as me, obviously) can chat to ANYONE about almost anything. If Helen Keller came in for dinner they would be chatting away till the early hours!
In your opinion, what are the applicant's development needs?
She is a terrible singer, among her atrocious repertoire are “Joyce to the world” and ”There’s no Banana’s in the sky!” feel free to check out this video of her band “Joyce Division”

She also needs to work on her Anger management, DO NOT MAKE THIS WOMAN ANGRY, YOU MAY NOT SURVIVE!! There were several incidents in which I genuinely feared my life. Fortunately she is easily calmed when allowed to steal some olives and the promise of a Guinness. She also needs to work on her “follow through” it has been several years and Joyce and I are still not married, I do live in fear that one day she will turn up on my door and drag me to the church. I would be too scared to resist, it’s not all bad, I could do with a shag.
Would you re-employ this person?
Yes, I would be too afraid to face the consequences otherwise.
Any other relevant information: While writing this I am wearing my favourite hat (see attached picture)

and a pair of brand new socks, They feel nice.
I do hope this reference has been of use to you, if you require any more information then please do not hesitate to contact me and I will tell you anything that Joyce lets me.
Kind Regards
Andy G

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