The Blog of Andy G: DEFAMATE THIS!!!

Hows it goin?

At time of writing i still don't have the internet in my fucken flat. Sky are bastards!!! So at the moment I am sitting in starbucks using there internet waiting for the latest episodes of all my geeky tv shows to download. Sadly its gonna take another hour or so so I thought I'd write some more bollocks for the 6 people who read this.

The other week I had my first big test. I realised it’s the first important academic test I’ve taken for around a decade. Yes an actual decade!! Fuck me I am getting old.

I even have a few lighter coloured hairs in my beard. Someone tried to convince me I was going grey, I think I'm turning blonde, I'm just a late bloomer.

Anyway

My test was in my law in the communication industries class. It was all about Defamation in the media. I’m not gonna bore you with the ins and outs of defamation, your probably already having a very boring day, hence the reason your reading all the shit I happened to be writing. Ill give you a brief description tho, so u know what I'm on about.

Defamation basically means you can’t slag some one off. There was a case a couple of years ago involving Tommy Sheridan and the news of the world. The paper claimed he attended swingers parties, he slept with prostitutes, and spent the night in an Aberdeen hotel with a journalist and got drunk in the hotel bar before hand. They claimed his political party forced him out as leader. Tommy sued for defamation because he claimed this was untrue and damaging to his reputation. He won the case and was awarded around £200 grand, or something around that.

When we arrived at our usual shambles of a wednesday afternoon law class our teacher was in her trademark grumpy mood. I was fully expecting to get my test results and move onto the next subject we’re meant to be covering. However the teacher had other plans. She went over every question in the assessment and told us what we should have put for our answers. Apparently out of 30 people in the class, only 2 had passed the exam.

Only 2?

Surely one of them must be me? I spent fucking hours making my notes, we were allowed to take notes into the exam so I made notes in my extra special very neat hand writing I save for special occasions. It took me HOURS! I knew I had to quote from specific cases we had studied and the exact definition of certain defence strategies so I made very detailed notes, so much so I ran out of ink in my pen.

After the teacher went over the entire test she then handed them back to us, as she walked round the room I heard a chorus of “This is bullshit!” and “Fuck it! I hate this class anyway” I sat there quietly confident, I knew I must have passed, I knew this subject inside out and back to front.

Eventually she came to me

“very good but you missed out the Rixa defence in question 2” she commented

THE FUCKEN RIXA DEFENCE???!!!

When defending against defamation there are a number of strategies you can use. The least used strategy is called RIXA, you can use the Rixa defence if the defamatory statement was made while you were beside yourself with anger you had no control over what you were saying. This defence has not been used successfully since 1845, so of course I didn’t mention it in my answer, why would I mention that? What are the chances that this defence would be successful?

Ill tell you.

There is NO FUCKEN CHANCE!!!

Anyway she gave us back the test papers, I’m fairly certain she thinks we are all fucken retarded as she told us all the answers before she returned the papers and then told us to make the necessary corrections and hand them back in.

At this point a lot of my class looked panicked as they clearly had not been paying attention when she was going over the answers.

I knew exactly what I had to do, I re wrote one of my answers and included the Rixa defence and handed it back to her, this took me all of 3 minutes, and that is all the work I did in that class, The class lasts for nearly 2 hours and I only did 3 minutes of work.

The rest of my time I occupied by doing this

I came up with some new defence strategies to be used in the courtroom. Since Rixa (pronounced Ricksa) has not been successful in over 150 years maybe its time to try something new. Like one of these:

TWIXA: The defendant has twix’s hurled at them.

BRIXA: The Defendant is bricked up inside the witness box and not allowed to leave until the truth is revealed.

LIXA: The Defendant gets licked by an unattractive member of the opposite sex until the truth is revealed.

DIXA: This defence is used involving defamation in the porn industry.

CHIXA: The Defendant gets chickens hurled at them.

MIXA: The Defendant is forced to listen to really shit dance music mixes.

JIGXA: The Defendant is forced to do a 100000 piece jigsaw puzzle, (with 3 piece’s missing) they are not allowed to stop until the truth is revealed.

FIXA: The Defendant can ask if Jim’ll fix it? This defence is rarely used as no one wants to sit on his lap.

TRIXA: Paul Daniels appears to take over the defence team, and dazzles you with magic.

PIXA: The case is put on hold while everyone watches pixar movies, toy story is most common

VIXA: The Defendant covers themself in vix vapour rub, howls like a hungry dog and runs out of the building, this usually works as everyone is so baffled by this behaviour.

WIXA: David Wicks From Eastenders replaces the defence team.

STIXA: The Dispute is settled by the two opposing parties hitting each other with a big stick.

KICKXA: The Defendant is kicked really hard in the shin.

KENTUCKY

FRIED

CHIXA: The Defendant is forced to eat nothing but Kentucky fried chicken until the truth is revealed.

PRIXA: The Defendant gets called a prick until they break down and the truth is revealed.

I did my test,

for my law class.

I did my best,

I got a pass!

I studied hard,