Sunday, 20 September 2009

On the Buses Part 4: Congratulations Bob


How ya doin?

hungover yesterday??? yeah me too.

Here is Part 4 of 5, of my correspondence with Big Bob of Bobs Big Bus Company.

Good Day Mr Johnson,

How the hell r ya? can i call you Bob? I fell we are quite good pals now! I am writing to you to express my most heart felt congratulations regarding my recent bus trip to Aberdeen. I am impressed!

I was visiting the Granite City in order to inspect my new flat and dance the night away with some old friends in the local discothèque. I am sure you have been reading my blog so you know I like to dance. I will not bore you with the details. After reading your letter I decided to give your company another try, (also I am broke and this is the cheaper option) and I am impressed! I have changed my appearance somewhat since my last bus journey and was traveling incognito, I will admit to being slightly afraid that all of your company would be on the lookout for me. Am I on your company hit list?

Upon Arrival to the bus station in Edinburgh I made my way to my stance (oh yeah!)

and was chuffed to see the bus was already there. The bus was early!! WELL DONE! Upon boarding there was only the faintest whiff of urine, although the whiff was still in the air for the majority of the journey the odour was bliss compared to my previous trip. I was also very impressed with the passengers; there were no fat people in sight! Have you implemented my scales idea?

There were numerous attractive women on the bus and at one point I actually said to myself “Andy like!” One particularly attractive young woman sat in the chair to my left with her young child. I was initially worried about the child screaming the whole way there but the M.I.L.F. counteracted this fear with her hotness! And to the babies credit it was very quiet for almost the whole journey. I was also impressed with your safety procedures, a tall scary man came on and shouted to put on our seatbelts, I think everyone did so right away as they would be too afraid not to in case this man shouted again. Please do not take this the wrong way; this is excellent, as safety must always come first!

The bus left exactly as scheduled and started on the first try! So far so good! Upon leaving the station we drove past something called a boogie bus, I did try and get a picture but alas I could not get my camera fast enough. This appeared to be some kind of party bus, with music and a pole dancer. Is this something you would consider? This would certainly make my bus trips to Aberdeen FAR more pleasant! Upon arrival in Dundee I noticed the young child did start to cry, this did not bother me as I almost had a similar reaction myself. When we arrived at the station it was a glorious day, the sun was shining and the girls were wearing mini skirts, it was ace. The second coach was delayed slightly but I didn’t even mind! I sat outside in the sunshine and read my book (Just a Geek: By Wil Wheaton in case your interested)

I took the opportunity to explore the surrounding area of Dundee bus station, as I expected there is not much but I did discover this amusing coffee shop sign

The owner is either very witty or too cheap to replace the sign (I suspect it’s the latter)

My bus arrived in Dundee station at 12:35 and I could not believe my eyes,

a Double Decker!!

Surely this is the stretch limo of the cross-country coaching community (how’s the for alliteration eh?) Upon boarding I asked the driver when our expected arrival time in Aberdeen was and he cheerfully replied one hour and 20 minutes from departure. I was impressed at both his friendly tone and precise timing. I chose to sit on the bottom level in order to secure a quick exit. I was quite concerned when a group of kids boarded and it looked like the seat next to me was going to be taken by a teenie bopper hoodie with an asbo, but fortunately they all decided to go to the second floor. Just as well because I overheard one of them saying it’s mental at the back of the bus!

And low and behold 1 hour and 21 minutes later we arrived in Aberdeen. Only one minute off. Brilliant! I even got two seats to myself on the bus. How cool is that? I did feel sorry for the driver when we arrived in Aberdeen, as he had to deal with all the bags himself. He was fast and efficient however and I think he should get a bonus of some kind. Also upon disembarking I noticed several bus drivers smoking in a corner, I’m not complaining about that, smoke away by all means, but I did notice they ALL had a moustache, there were about 6 of them. Is this some kind of bus driver tradition? In your previous letter you mentioned not wanting to force staff to have sensible haircuts, is it policy that all drivers must have a moustache? Is this why the young guy with the red hair was not the driver? No moustache means you can’t be a driver? Do you have any statistics regarding bus drivers and moustaches? I would be interested to see them.

I have to ask, did you know I was coming? Did you lay on special treatment just for me? Was the Double Decker bus a treat usually reserved for celebrities? As mentioned since last time I traveled with you I shaved my head and grew a beard all to avoid recognition with yourselves. Did you see through my disguise?

I would like to offer my heartiest congratulations on vastly improving your service. I hope you continue to keep this up and I hope your coaches remain urine free. With your permission I would like to publish our correspondence in my blog. I realise you probably think I’m just a fool who you don’t want to give the time of day, however in all seriousness I was very angry regarding my first journey with yourselves but I am now overjoyed with your company and would like to publish the story online, I believe you come up looking better than me. You look like an intelligent and thoughtful man in charge of a respectable company while I looking like a moaning idiot with a computer! If you wish to protect your privacy I will change your name and the name of your company. I will let you choose your own pseudonym and the name of your company, may I suggest something like Jonny Rocket and Rocket! If you can come up with something more original then I would be all ears. I look forward to hearing from you. And please do get back in touch.

Kind Regards

Andy Graham

Thats all for now

Until Next Time

Have a Nice

Andy G

This blog was written while listening to The 88

And I am still not finished Flash Forward

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