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As regular readers will know I have a semi regular feature on this blog called Friendly Friday. This is where I write a post all about someone who is lucky enough to be my friend, and it goes up on a friday. Hence the name.
I haven't written a friendly friday lately, mainly due to laziness. A lot of people still ask for one. But that's not how it works. If you ask you generally don't get. A Friendly Friday is an honour which is bestowed upon you, not something you ask for. Come on guys! You wouldn't ask the Queen for a knighthood would you?
Well today is Friday, but this Friendly Friday is with a slight twist as you may have gathered from the title. This is an UN friendly Friday and is all about Grappa The Crazy Killer Demon Dog From Hell.
Don't let this picture fool you! She is pure evil!
I recently moved house, I now live in CampaWorld with Althea & Ivano. And Grappa The Crazy Killer Demon Dog From Hell.
I have made a few videos featuring Grappa, which you can see at the various links below.
Now I think it is time for the origin of Grappa to be told.
Grappa is an agent of Satan!
Yes, you read that right, Satan, The Devil, Beelzebub. What ever you want to call him. Satan the dark overlord is trapped in hell, he cannot escape due to him being trapped by Superman in a super strong cage made of super strong Kryptonian metal. He cannot leave hell to corrupt and destroy the planet, but he can send his minions to do so.
Throughout the ages many of these minions have tried to destroy the human race through various means. Some of them you may have heard of Hitler, Stallan, Kriss Akabusi, and Mother Tuckers.
Each of these "people" is actually the demon spawn of Satan himself, sent to earth on a mission of destruction. Fortunately most of these foe's have been defeated. Hitler was defeated by Captain America. Stallan was defeated by Lion-o from the Thundercats. Kriss Akabusi was defeated because he was just shit and clearly not as good as Roy Castle, and Mother Tuckers was defeated by one of the great unsung hero's of our time, Andy G! (Me)
Angered by the pathetic efforts of his previous minions, the dark overlord decided a different tactic was in order. In the very depths of hell, he took the soles of all the most truly evil people in the world, like people who play music through their phone speakers on the bus. All the previous contestants of Big Brother, and people who don't tip in restaurants. He took the soles from all these truly despicable people, as they are indeed the worst that humanity had to offer. He took those soles, and stuffed them into a dog. Then he sent that dog to the mortal plane on a mission to destroy the earth.
That dog was Grappa.
Grappa was armed with several super powers in order to help her in her mission to destroy the world, so far only a few of these powers have been documented:
Super Psychic Mind Control Powers.
The ability to bark very loud and wake up Andy in the morning.
The ability to do a massive crap at the furthest possible distance from a bin when ever Andy G takes her for a walk.
The ability to grow wings enabling her to attack from above.
If you ever come across her in real life, don't look directly into her eyes.They are pure evil, that's how she will hypnotise you into loving her. The next thing you know you're an unwilling soldier for the forces of darkness!
She arrived on earth and made her way to the local dog shelter, using her insidious mind control powers to prevent her from being put down for being the crazy beast that she is. If only the man who put dogs down was blind, then the world would be a much safer place. She used her mind control powers to hypnotise hapless couple Althea & Ivano Campagnoli.
Look into the eyes of the dog in this picture, look how they glow. This is Grappa captured on camera using her Super Psychic Mind Powers!
Definitive Proof!
Grappa uses her insidious mind control powers on all that she meets. Unfortunately for her, the day she first met Andy G (Me), I was very, very hungover. The fact that my brain was swimming in a sea of booze protected me from her powers, and I have become immune. It is only Andy G that can see her for what she truly is, and it is only Andy G that can save us all. And now the never ending battle continues,
If you can't see the video's above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe." If you do subscribe then you will be enlisted the fight against Grappa!
Althea is learning to drive. I am documenting her efforts mainly because it gives me something to post on this blog. You can see Episode 1 HERE
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe." If you do not subscribe then you are a bastard. Simple as.
As you may know, a couple of years ago I took a job working in New York, in a restaurant called Luigi's.
If you're at all interested you read about some of my adventures at Luigi's and all my other places of work HERE
Something that happens quite a lot in restaurants is swapping shifts, people used to ask me all the time if they could switch with someone else so they could have the night off or they needed more hours or some other reason which I didn't pay attention to. Usually the staff come to me whenever I am at my busiest, so I quite often ask someone to leave me a note and I'll get round to reading it later.
As regular readers should know, I recently moved house and as I was packing up my old flat, I found a box of stuff from New York, including my old notepad, and stuffed away at the back of that notepad was a note from one of the waitress's. It was a letter from Christina with a C. Not Kristina with a K she went mental and was never heard from again.
I can't remember why Christina with a C wrote me this particular letter, probably just to tell me that she would love me forever. Which is nice.
I can't say I blame her.
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe." If you do subscribe then the next time I see you I will sing you the song of your choice
Last night I returned home from another thrilling shift at Vincents. This is the condition in which I found the house.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
Then I went to bed, and all through the night I heard scratches at my door. Grappa The Crazy Killer Demon Dog From Hell, was trying to kill me! This is what happened when I opened my door.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then I will play for you the most beautiful song it is possible to play on a saxaboom.
My mate Dr Kev got married and moved to Australia a few months ago. I finally managed to talk to him on Skype a few days ago. It turns out he has received funding from his employer to stay in the country for another 3 years.
I was of course very happy for my friend at getting such good news. I must admit to being secretly disappointed as this means I won't see him for quite some time. Which is annoying. Kev can always be counted on for a couple of pints and to cook me dinner.
Kev got married to Alice on July 31st and moved to Australia just a couple of days later. So two nights before Kev's wedding, we did the only sensible thing we could do. We organised a retro pub crawl. We returned to the pubs and clubs we used to frequent when we were 18.
As regular readers will know I attended four weddings this summer, I have written up my account of the weddings and the various stag do's / nights out that surrounded all of them, but it is a hell of a lot. I may save it for a multi part blog post or put them out in a book for your reading pleasure.
I have a great deal written about the retro pub crawl, but again it is too much for one blog post. Instead of going into great detail I thought I would share with you a couple of pics and videos I didn't even know I had. I discovered them on my phone a couple of days ago and thought it best to share them with you.
These were taken in The Priory in Aberdeen, which is well known for being shit. But this was a retro pub crawl, and we went there when we were 18 so we had to go back. We rather stupidly decided to have a "Purple Rain."
A Purple Rain is a cocktail which involves lots of alcohol, lighting said alcohol on fire, capturing the fumes in another glass, extinguish the flame, drink the drink, inhale the fumes you captured in the other glass, then snorting the residue off another glass. It's minging. Fuck knows who invented it and why. They must have been off their heads.
Here's the barmaid preparing our "Purple Rains" Or "Blue stuff which is about to be set of fire."
Kev arguing with the Barman.
Then it just got too much for Kev and Dave.
The Purple Rains!
Then Nick started a dance off with a stranger.
Then for some very unknown reason, after all of us having our purple rains and wanting to do nothing else but leave Priory. Rushton then went and bought another round. To this day no one knows why.
If you can't see any of the video's above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe." If you do subscribe then one day I will take you to the Priory and buy you a Purple Rain.
Otto The Octopus fought well in the never ending battle against Grappa The Crazy Killer Demon Dog From Hell. But not well enough, he's dead now. Now a new hero must rise, and that hero, is Percy The Pig!
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe." If you do subscribe then you will receive a complimentary paper mache replica of Grappa to do with as you please.
Last Wednesday was another fun filled day in school. I'm in from 9-5 and late in the afternoon I felt the need for a caffeine burst. I headed to the coffee shop in the college and bought myself a Crapuccino. I sat at a table with KP, Cat and Scott. At which point some guy comes up to the table and hands a flyer to Kat and Kp, but ignored myself and Scott.
This was that flyer.
I'm sure you can guess from the colour scheme, but this is a leaflet for the LGBT society.
LGBT = Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender.
I never knew the gay community had a spokesperson within the college. And to be honest I am unsure as to why they do.
Does it really matter if you're gay or straight?
I am also slightly miffed that he gave a leaflet to Kat and KP while ignoring myself and Scott. Clearly Kat & KP look gayer than myself or Scott. Now I am not gay, but how does he know that?
Does he have a gaydar?
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE
He ignored me because he thought I was not gay. (I am not gay but that's beside the point.)
That's hetrophobic!
I am strongly considering running for the position of heterosexual rep. If gay people can have a rep purely because they are gay, then heterosexual people should get a rep for that too!
I showed this leaflet to a friend who was gay, and he was not chuffed. This is the reason why gay people do sometimes get a hard time. Because people make a big deal of it, who cares if your straight or gay? I don't make a big deal of rubbing my heterosexuality in your face.
My gay friend was not impressed at the stereotypical rainbow colouring and lady gaga images that adorn the leaflet. Is there any need? Seriously, all this is doing is drawing attention to the fact that you are gay, and to be honest no one really gives a shit.
If you take a look at the leaflet, one part says
"I will continually fight for LGBT causes such as the blood donation ban for gay men."
The way that's worded, I honestly thought that he was fighting to ban gay men from donating blood.
Apparently a ban is in place to prevent gay men from giving blood, I was unaware of this. But isn't it fairly easy to get around this ban?
If you want to give blood, go along to the blood donation shop, when someone asks if you are gay,
Say NO!
It's not difficult!
Unless they have a gaydar.
I also find this statement highly amusing,
"I will work alongside the vice presidents with the promoting the Hey Homo campaign raising LGBT awareness."
Hey Homo?
Really?
This is perhaps the most retarded thing I have heard in a long time. Raise awareness of peoples gayness?
Who cares?
This also sounds a little bit like the secret police outing all the gay people on campus. Are gay people going to be forced to wear a badge? Or greet each other by saying, "Hey Homo!" Or is everyone in the college going to be forced to greet gay people by saying Hey Homo?
Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit retarded?
So to bring this rant to a conclusion, I can see no point in having a gay rep, it seems a bit pointless to me. You're just gay, it's not like you're from another planet or something. All this does is draw attention to the fact that people are gay and does that really matter?
Here's a song featuring my two favourite gays If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE If you are interested, here is a link to my gay friends blog where he also has a similar rant.
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe I will break into your house, tie you to a chair and force you to listen to Lady Gaga for 24 hours straight
Althea is learning how to drive. Fortunately she is not learning in Ivano's toy car of doom.
I am terrified every time I drive that car. But I guess we all gotta die sometime.
Here's a video of when Althea returned home after her first lesson in which we discuss what she learned and take a look at her check list and discover that she want's to shoot a lesbian.
If you can't see the video above then stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do not subscribe I will make sure that Althea's next driving lesson will take place in Ivano's toy car of death and on your street. Which basically means there is a good chance that you and your neighbours will die.
It was 2 am; he had no idea where his mates were. He had lost Gary after he had been thrown out of the club for having an argument with a mirror. The bouncers refused to let him back in, they even turned down his attempt at bribery. In their defence he only had £6 in his pocket.
He had no idea where anyone was, all he knew was that he was starving! So the bouncers loss would be the kebab shops gain. He headed to Abra Kebabra and ordered a large pepperoni pizza.
It was then he saw her, she was gorgeous. She was perhaps the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her long blonde hair shone like the sun, her short skirt showed off her long legs that seemed to go on forever. He instantly fell madly in love with this girl.
Unfortunately for him, he was quite drunk. Fortunately for him, he wasn't overly drunk, he was drunk enough to know he was drunk, which in his mind gave him the advantage.
He didn’t want to stagger over there like a drunken moron. He didn’t want to use some cheesy line that every loser guy had tried on her before. He needed to be different, he wanted to be confident, direct and romantic.
He thought long and hard about what to say. And then it came to him, like a lightening strike in his mind, the perfect way to start a conversation. This was genius, this could not fail. This was classy, subtle, intelligent, and romantic all at the same time.
“Wanna fuck?” he asked.
“No thank you.” She said with a mixture of disgust and pity.
“Why not, don’t you like fucking?” Andy replied.
And then she left.
Out of his life forever, he missed her already.
But then he turned around, and saw a redhead in a low cut top.
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
A big thank you to everyone who bought my book last week while it was discounted. I have now sold a grand total of 47 copies! Remember people, Christmas is coming, and if anyone is interested in buying in bulk for christmas presents then a discount can be arranged.
I thought it was just friends who had been buying but apparently not. My book was recently read by someone who is NOT FAMOUS,
Those of you on twitter should follow @RealNotFamous and see what non famous antics this person gets up to.
I am also getting some international readers, the Spanish are loving my book.
See?
Those of you who have bought and read Fifty Envelopes will no doubt have seen the last page where I give you a glimpse at the cover of my next book, "Insert Title Here."
Don't worry I haven't been out buying more envelopes, this is a collection of 64 illustrated short stories. I am hoping to have a preview ready for sale before christmas. It is being illustrated by the very talented and truly awesome Diana Leto. I am hoping that by writing that previous sentence this will motivate her to send me the preview edition so we can start selling.
In the mean time I thought I would give you a sneak peak at one of the stories (without illustration). This is called Excuse Me.
And it is based on a true story.
EXCUSE ME
Andy was drunk, again.
He and Gary were dancing their asses off. In their minds they were like John Travolta, in reality they were like John Goodman.
They headed to the bar. Andy downed a pint of lager, although he didn’t know why as he ordered a vodka coke. He made a mistake earlier, he had broken the seal, and now he was peeing every 10 minutes. He staggered around the club trying to find the men’s room. Eventually he saw the sign, he followed the arrow and went through the door. He somehow managed to negotiate the stairs without falling. How he did this no one knows, let alone Andy. Arriving at the bottom of the stairs bruise free, he turned the corner and bumped into someone.
“Sorry mate.” he said apologetically.
Andy did the decent thing, stepped to the side and tried to step forward in order to pass, but this idiot did exactly the same thing. They bumped into each other again.
“Shall we dance?” Andy said jokingly, trying to hide the fact he was so drunk.
Andy then stepped back.
“After you.” He said quite politely.
The guy didn’t move, and Andy was starting to get pissed off.
“Will you get out of the fucken way!” Andy said angrily.
At this point Gary appeared.
“Who you talking to mate?” Gary asked, confused.
“This fucken idiot here!”
“Dude that’s a mirror.”
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Tomorrow I shall post the sequel to this story,
"Love In The Time Of Kebabs."
I'm sure you will all be waiting on the edge of your seat!
It shall be posted tomorrow at the crack of noon.
That's All For Now
Until Next Time
Have A Nice
Andy G
If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."
If you do subscribe then I will come to your house, cook you a sumptuous 3 course dinner and then after dinner I will do the macarena
