Tuesday, 13 April 2010

101 fun things to do in a lift

Hows it goin?
I think the title says it all really. For those of you who read 101 things you probably didn't know about Andy G, you may have noticed, 
Number 25: Andy G once wrote 101 fun things to do in a lift. 
I wrote these nearly 10 years ago for my school yearbook and thought I would share them with you now.

Some of these have some video clips along with them, so stop reading this crap on facebook and CLICK HERE.


1: Call the lift your ship and make all the passengers your crew and bark orders at them.

2: Take along some animals and start a zoo

3: Start a disco dancing competition

4: Talk to your thumb

5: Pretend you are on Star Trek and every time you push a button say something like "To the ground floor, warp factor 8. Engage!"

6: Do your ironing

7: Do a strip tease

8: Ask what floor people want and push the wrong button

9: Wear a sailors uniform and greet every passenger by saying "Ahoy there matey!"

10: Set up a shop which sells nothing but pornography and gardening magazines

11: Sell used cars

12: Sell your friends

13: Sell yourself

14: Try to burst your spots

15: Try to burst other peoples spots

16: Ask people for the time and when they tell you, look at your watch and say "Oh yeah."

17: Ask people for the time, if they say they don't know then look at your watch and shout "WELL I DO!"

18: Wear a pair of rollerblades and attempt to "grind" the other passengers

19: Take the chewing gum out of your mouth and offer it to the other passengers

20: Pick your nose and offer it to the other passengers

21: Start a nightclub and don;t let anyone in unless they are over 18 or really good looking

22: Hold the annual Aberdeen football club fan club convention

23: Take a blow up doll and have some fun

24: Take a blow up sheep and have some fun

25: Take along some soil and plant a tree

26: Reassess Einstein's theory of relativity

27: Try to eat the other passengers

28: Try to eat the lift

29: Try to eat your own shoes

30: Try to eat a pot noodle (no one wants to eat a pot noodle)

31: Try to eat yourself

32: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce in a loud and confident voice,

33: Continuously sing Bohemian Rhapsody and head bang at the appropriate part

34: Perform River Dance

35: Create your own religion and try to convert some people

36: Try and undo the straps on your straight jacket

37: Stand in the corner and head butt the wall

38: Every now and then, bark like a dog

39: Every now and then, Baa like a sheep

40: Ask every passenger to marry you

41: Bring along a bed and have a power nap

42: Say that you are Elvis and you faked your own death in order to pursue a career in lift operation, then start singing to prove it.

43: Talk to your foot

44: DO your best Dom Joly impression (if you can't see the video below CLICK HERE)

45: Take your maths homework with you and get the other passengers to do it for you by calling it market research on the maths skills of the british public

46: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then shout in a loud, confident voice,

47: Take a yoyo with you and hit the other passengers on the head by doing an "all around the world"

48: Open a restaurant

49: Hide in a coffin and make groaning noises occasionally

50: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then roar at them

51: Ask every passenger who comes comes in if they think chickens are attractive

52: Smile and make pleasurable moaning noises, then say, "sorry my mobile is on vibrate."

53: Say to everyone who comes in, "Oh my god, you killed Kenny, you bastard!"

54: Hop around and pretend to be a kangaroo

55: Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then say "I've got new socks on."

56: Say that you are santa and ask every passenger what they want for christmas

57: (if you are male) When an attractive woman gets on the lift, stand in the corner and mutter to yourself, "Down boy, down boy"

58: Shout "SNIPER" and drop the ground

59: Hum the mission impossible tune and do commando rolls

60: Call everyone who comes on the lift Bob

61: Start singing "I will survive"

63: Make airplane noises

64: Challenge every passenger to a duel

65: Quickly take off your jacket, throw it to the floor and stamp on it, and start shouting, "IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE!!" Then faint.

66: Ask everyone who comes on the lift, "Who would win in a fight, Superman or Captain Birdseye?"

67: Say hello to another passenger and if they ignore you say, "Oh come on, don't be mad, I know we both said some things that we didn't mean, but it doesn't mean we still don't love each other."

68: Pretend to be a teletubbie and say "eh-oh" every now and then

69: Take a whoopee cushion on board and let the hilarity commence

70: Open a shoe shop

71: Give yourself a hair cut

72: Start panicking and screaming with fear every time the lift moves and grab onto another passenger for safety

73: Say "Ok who farted"

74: Ask another passenger "You haven't seen a fried egg lying around here have you?"

75: Say "MOOOOOO" occasionally

76: Say to another passenger "Hey hey good lookin!"

77: Take a pencil out of your pocket, hold it like a sword and shout at another passenger "ON GUARD!"

78: Put on a ginger wig and claim to be Bianca from Eastenders

79: Play table tennis

80: Breed ferrets

81: Put on a rock concert

82: Create a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision making, abstract thought and completely indistinguishable from the real thing.

83: Become a Madonna imersonator

84: Form a band and "Jam"

85: Hold the next general election

86: Open a gerbil race track

87: Fill the lift with water and go scuba diving

88: Sell double glazing

89: Have a wrestling match

90: Do a trapeze act

91: Build a housing estate

92: Re enact every scene from "Short Circuit"

93: Put up a picture of yourself which says, "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE, FOR THE DEATH OF SEVERAL CHICKENS IN THE LOCAL AREA"

94: Film an episode of "Top Gear"

95: Bet the other passengers that you can jump up and down on one foot until your hipbone is pounded into dust

96: Sell the dust collected from your hipbone

97: Bet the other passengers that you can stick a £20 note up your nose, when they give you the note, run away.

98: Open a betting shop

99: Perform a stand up comedy show

100: Read The Blog Of Andy G

101: Write 101 more fun things to do in a lift

These were all written aprox ten years ago, I changed a couple because they were specific to the school. I wonder if anyone is actually gonna read all this shite? If you have I bet you feel a bit let down eh?

Come on, gimme a break. 

I'm trying to post something original every fucking day for a month, that's not easy.

So fuck you!

Sorry, I haven't had a Red Bull for nearly 3 weeks and I am suffering from withdrawal.

Thats All For Now

Until Next Time

Have A Nice

Andy G

If you want to get all the crap I write delivered straight to your inbox then go to www.TheBlogOfAndyG.com and put your email address in the wee box that says "subscribe."

If you do subscribe then I will do something fun in a lift, with you!

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